Earlier this week it was reported that former World Series MVP and Seattle Mariners bullpen coach John Wetteland had been taken to a hospital with an undisclosed "mental issue." Some reports said it was an issue related to suicide, some where saying it was a domestic dispute that got out of hand... I've been refreshing my Twitter page for the last four days in the hopes of getting the scoop, but all I've learned so far is that Lady Gaga is "fug," Bill Belichick has no idea how to coach professional football, and that one of my friends is RT: about to eat dinner.

Regardless, the Mariners are Serious Business™ in the world of The Dugout, so I wanted to skip the facts and get straight to anonymously slandering people. Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Seattle Mariners Mental Health and Rebuilding Offseason Chatroom!
	MsGM: all right Jack, if you'll just sign right here that'll tie you to the Mariners for the next two seasons
	MsGM: but before you sign, let me make sure one more time, you PROMISE that you aren't Nosferatu or any sort of phantom der nacht
	CaptainJack: i don't even know what you're saying
	MsGM: then sign here please
	CaptainJack: Thanks. And thanks for signing me in the first place, there aren't anymore nautically-themed teams for a guy with a screen name like mine to go to
	CaptainJack: How do you pronounce your name again?
	MsGM: it's pronounced "Zduriencik"
	CaptainJack: like Logglobo Vlandignorf? But with a ... but with a z?
	MsGM: What? No. Zduriencik. Zuh-duh-ree-en-kick-en-stein. Why are we paying you five million dollars a year? You can barely read.
	CaptainJack: because I'm a defensive whiz
	MsGM: you mean "wiz"
	CaptainJack: no, I spelled it right
	Online Host WakaMole has entered the chatroom.
	WakaMole: Hey, sorry to interrupt, but they just took John Wetteland to the hospital, they think he might've tried to-
	WakaMole: hey, I didn't know we signed Alan Cumming, you were great in Romy and Michele's High School Reunion
	CaptainJack: what
	WakaMole: They think he might've tried to kill himself.
	MsGM: do you think there's any way we could correlate this with how bad the Mariners bullpen is?
	WakaMole: I know, that's the direction I was planning to go with it
	Elijah_Price: maybe it was an accident, doctors tell me that every step I've taken after 1999 has been a suicide attempt
	CaptainJack: maybe he read "Aardsma Feierabend Jakubauskas" on the sheet and his blood pressure went up and his brain tried to explode
	CaptainJack: seriously you guys, do I play for Seattle or is there a team in Bosnia I don't know about, jesus christ
	MsGM: well if uh, if we don't make jokes about it, how are we supposed to deal with it?
	WakaMole: What do you mean?
	MsGM: I don't know Donnie, the situation ain't exactly Barry Bonds putting on a Paula Abdul wig, the guy wants to kill himself
	MsGM: maybe we could get some of his favorite celebrities to stop by and cheer him up. Doesn't he like Shania Twain? She'd probably want to help out
	Elijah_Price: Shania doesn't give a sh** about the Wetteland!
	MsGM: then what are we supposed to do?
	CaptainJack: i think the most important thing to do is say "if he REALLY wanted to kill himself he'd be dead!!!" as quickly as possible
	CaptainJack: nonchalant condemnation from self-righteous know-it-alls is the best thing you can give to someone who is depressed. it's like saying "you're in my thoughts and prayers" when somebody dies
	Elijah_Price: he's right, that's a great thing to say, especially when famous people die
	Elijah_Price: when somebody dies you gotta let everyone who finds out know that you also care - when James Whitmore died I made sure his family told everyone they knew that I was praying for them
	MsGM: Then what?
	CaptainJack: then we gotta get as melodramatic about it as possible, get real pissed off on the Internet when people aren't reverent
	Elijah_Price: yeah, when James Whitmore died I was on jameswhitmorefans.org and some guy was all "Go To Hell, Harry!" and I flipped out and banned his ass forever
	CaptainJack: haha why do you care so much about what happened to james f**king whitmore
	Elijah_Price: because he was F**KING GOOD, that's why
	MsGM: so I can care best by not really caring at all?
	CaptainJack: like everything else in life, you want to care, but not ever tell anybody about it
	CaptainJack: that way when you're old you can get all bent out of shape and have a small series of regretful moments
	MsGM: say, how do you know so much about wanting to die?
	CaptainJack: I played for the Pirates for nine years
	WakaMole: shhh everyone be quiet, here he comes
	Online Host WettelandPony has entered the chatroom.
	WettelandPony: hey everybody, sorry to scare you like that, I got into a fight with my wife and got worked up and had to go in for some tests
	WettelandPony: not a big deal though, I'm doing great and I'm ready to go back to work
	MsGM: yeah, if you REALLY wanted to beat your wife you would've done it already, I don't believe you for a second
	WettelandPony: wait, what, I didn't say that I was-
	MsGM: talk all you want but I don't buy it for a second
	CaptainJack: haha I bet he tried to beat his wife but couldn't, because he coaches for the Mariners. We can't beat ANYBODY!
	MsGM: RAHHHHH DON'T JOKE ABOUT DOMESTIC ABUSE
	Online Host CaptainJack has been banned from the Mariners forever!
	WettelandPony: gonna go kill myself brb

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