Week in Review: Karma for Steroid Era

If you believe there is a God, you have to be thrilled at last week's most visually stunning development.

Sammy Sosa is turning into The Joker.

He showed up at an awards show in Las Vegas with skin the color of your standard toilet bowl. Sosa blamed the freshly embalmed look on facial cream and bad lighting.

Nonsense. I want to believe it's Sosa's punishment for cheating his way to fame, fortune and home runs.

Despite corking his bat and his body, Sosa had no problem looking himself in the mirror. Now karma has come knocking, and it ain't pretty.

"I'm not trying to be Michael Jackson," Sosa told a Latin TV network.

Sure thing. If he'll lie to Congress, he'll lie to Univision. If my diagnosis is true, however, Barry Bonds will turn into Michael Jackson first. Then all of baseball's cheats will soon start looking like rejects from the powder room at Madame Tussauds.

If Manny Ramirez ever gets into the Hall of Fame, his plaque will have to be made of limestone. Bud Selig, who oversaw the Steroid Era, will look like Grandpa from The Munsters.

Speaking of karma and artificial enhancements, it caught up with Carrie Prejean last week. She's the Miss California USA winner who came out against gay marriage in the Q&A portion of the show.

Prejean claimed that stand cost her the crown and sued for religious discrimination. Turns out Church Lady had a $5,200 boob job and a trail of sex videos. Which brings us to our Quote of the Week:

"We have become the laughingstock of Spain."

So said a politician from the country's Extremadura region, where students are now offered a sex-education class in "self-pleasure."

The American term for that is ... well, I'm not going there. But I know it's only matter of time until the University of Kentucky turns it into an academic major to help John Calipari sign players.

Before we get to last week's other developments, a word or warning if you're visiting Perm, Russia, in the next few days:

Do not eat the kebabs.

Police arrested three homeless men for butchering a 25-year-old man, eating some body parts and selling other bits to a local kebab house.

If you are traveling to Perm, you might want to borrow some of Sosa's face cream. It's guaranteed to repel starving cannibals, or your money back.

Sunday

A late hit on Redskins safety DeAngelo Hall sparks a sideline brawl during the Atlanta-Washington game. In keeping with team policy, the Redskins didn't hit anyone.

Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry says lead singer Steven Tyler may quit the band if the NFL says he is so old he can play this year's Super Bowl halftime show.

Sammy Sosa announces he is getting engaged to Lisa Marie Presley.

Monday

Joe Cada, 21, becomes the youngest winner of the World Series of Poker and announces he will donate his $8.5 million prize to the first scientist who can prove poker is a sport.

The Philadelphia Inquirer reports that 77-year-old Richard Ramsey recently underwent a sex-change surgery in hopes of becoming Steven Tyler's stand-in with Aerosmith.

Sammy Sosa announces he is buying the Elephant Man's bones.

Tuesday

In honor of Michal Jordan, LeBron James announces he will stop wearing No. 23 next season and urges all players to follow suit. Adidas says it supports James' position but that the best way to honor Jordan would be for all players to stop wearing Nikes.

After weeks of waffling, Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler says he's not retiring and plans to quarterback the Minnesota Vikings next season.

Roger Clemens appears at a Houston Rockets game and is mistaken for LaToya Jackson.

Wednesday

A court rules that one of Joe Namath's dogs is "dangerous" after witnesses said it regularly attacked people. The Eagles immediately sign Namath to a free-agent contract.

After three Tennessee players are arrested for attempted armed robbery, Lane Kiffin says evidence will clear the trio and prove Urban Meyer is the Zodiac Killer.

Immigration foe Lou Dobbs announces he is leaving CNN to fight the winner of the Manny Pacquiao-Miguel Cotto welterweight bout.

Thursday

The nation's first marijuana cafe opens in Portland. With that free-agency lure, the Trailblazers are immediately installed as 2-5 favorites to win the 2011 NBA title.

To honor Dennis Rodman, Michael Jordan says all NBA players should stop dating Madonna.

Eliot Spitzer gives a lecture on ethics at Harvard. In the afternoon session, Steve Phillips gives a lecture on celibacy.

Friday

The Justice Department announces five accused 9-11 terrorists will stand trial in New York. Attorney General Eric Holder says he's confident of prosecution because the terrorists will be represented by the Michigan Wolverine's defense.

A Florida man is arrested after he calls 911 four times looking for sex. In related news, Carrie Prejean passes her Florida 911 Emergency Operator's exam.

The NFL announces The Who will perform at the Super Bowl halftime show, edging out Neil Diamond, Herman's Hermits and Roy Orbison.

Saturday

Former MLS player Devin Barclay kicks the winning field goal in Ohio State's win over Iowa. To honor MLS tradition, the stadium emptied before Barclay's kick.

Sammy Sosa announces he is buying Neverland and inviting Mark McGwire's children over for a slumber party.

With unemployment at 10.2 percent, Barack Obama announces he will convene a White House summit next month to see if there is any way to save Charlie Weis' job.

Next Week

NFL Players Association chief DeMaurice Smith will announce players' plan to boycott Super Bowl XLV if the league signs another band that hasn't had a hit since Brett Favre was born.

In her new book Going Rogue, Sarah Palin will reveal she did crystal meth with Andre Agassi before her interview with Katie Couric.

To honor Al Davis, the NFL says players will no longer be allowed to wear the number 666.