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Peyton Manning Is a Witch

Nov 17, 2009 – 9:00 AM
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Stephanie Stradley

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The conventional view is that Peyton Manning is an extraordinarily precise passer whose single-minded dedication to the NFL may make him one of the most game-altering quarterbacks to ever play the game. Those of us who have watched him carefully over the years know the truth, however. Peyton Manning is a witch.*

I use to think that The Peyton was evil and had a pact with the devil. Colts fans took exception to that because they said Manning is a really swell guy who does good deeds and likes Oreos. Okay then, can we just agree that he is a witch, and then just agree to disagree on his evil status, and whether he should be burned at the stake?
Everyone can agree that very odd things happen with just the threat of The Peyton getting back on the field.

Patriots coach Bill Belichick might have been just playing the odds going for it on 4th down in the Patriots' Sunday Night Football loss against the Colts. However, do you see him doing that in the 4th quarter against any other quarterback in the league? Belichick made this sort of call against Atlanta earlier this season, but not at such a critical time in the game. It's The Peyton's sorcery that caused the 4th down result in Colts-Patriots: the decision, poor use of timeouts, lack of execution and questionable spotting of the ball.

Colts-Patriots provided probably one of the strangest endings of a game this year, but not as strange as the ending of the Colts-Texans matchup last year. The Texans were ahead 27-17 over the Colts and possessing the ball on 3rd down with 3:54 in the game. Backup Texans quarterback Sage Rosenfels wanted desperately to get the first down to help seal the game and to keep The Peyton safely on the bench. Alas, a spell was cast on Rosenfels, and the Rosencopter debacling ensued (strange unembeddable video link), leading to a 31-27 victory over the Texans.

How do we know that these events are caused by witchcraft, The Peyton's sorcery in particular, and not by just the fear that No. 18 strikes in opposing players and coaches? Some people like things like proof and evidence, but that is just legal mumbo-jumbo. We could dunk him in water to see if he floats, but the Colts do not like The Peyton to get wet and melt, hence the roof on their stadium.

You might say, "Hey, Manning doesn't wear a pointy hat, so therefore, not a witch." I'm telling you that if NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell allowed for pointy helmets, The Peyton would certainly be wearing one. His head would look like the top of an Atlas V space rocket and it would scare children. And as you know, he loves to frighten kids.

It's a little known fact that Peyton Manning turned Tom Brady into a newt. He got better, which was fortunate since supermodels don't marry newts. (Obvious exception: Paulina Porizkova.)

The stuff The Peyton does at the line? He's casting spells, waving his arms about, speaking strange incantations. He'd bring his wand onto the field but Goodell doesn't allow props, just as he doesn't allow for pointy helmets. Here's a few examples of the witchcraft in action:

The Peyton's witchcraft best explains the Colts undefeated season. Key injuries to the defense. A bunch of baby receivers. Injured running backs and not much of a running game. An offensive line that would result in Sackfest with any other quarterback behind it. Feeling confident with Curtis Painter as the backup quarterback against the Patriots. Teams have done much worse with fewer problems.

He's a witch!!! Burn him!!!

Note that it is improper to refer to The Peyton as a warlock. According, to some Wiccan sources, men can be witches, and the term warlock is a pejorative term that means "oath breaker." So, as not to offend, don't call him a warlock. He might turn you into a newt, just like he did to poor Tom Brady.

* A note for the less astute. This is satire. Reprehensible things have been done through the ages to people accused of witchcraft, and in some cultures such heinous acts continue through the present time. I like Peyton Manning. A lot. So much in fact that I would like for him to retire immediately so as not to possibly receive any injuries to his human form. And if he's not at risk of game missing injury given that he is backed up by Curtis Painter and Jim Sorgi, well, then he's a witch.
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