Week in Review: A Wide World of Sports

It's not nice to kick a man when he's down. In honor of that we will try to avoid the fallen bodies of Charlie Weis, Allen Iverson, Hulk Hogan, Rich Rodriguez and Caster Semenya.

As for Mark Mangino, another rule applies. If you have to kick a man when he's down, make sure he is built like a giant marshmallow so you won't hurt your foot.

So we come not to bury Mangino, but to treat him like a soccer ball. We couldn't bury him if we wanted to because the coffin construction would trigger a worldwide mahogany shortage.

And that, gentle readers, is the first of many potentially offensive references inspired by last week's biggest newsmaker. We hate to make fun of anyone, but the week was full of obesity news and Mangino earned the ridicule.

In case you missed it, Kansas launched an investigation into Mangino's alleged tyrannical abuse of football players. We say "alleged" because Mangino apparently ate three of the players set to testify against him. Which brings us to our Quote of the Week.

"I didn't come to Lincoln to be told that my weight is not in an acceptable range. I came here to get an education."

So said Tiana Lawson, a student at Lincoln University. The school requires any student with a Body Mass Index of 30 or above to take a fitness course in order to graduate.

Predictably, riled civil libertarians said Lincoln is discriminating against calorically challenged individuals. The normal BMI is 18.5 to 24.9. Oprah's has fluctuated from 35.5 to 47.3.

Mangino's reportedly is 110 percent, the same effort level he demanded of his players as he forced them to carry him on their backs to the nearest McDonald's. We're not sure if the investigation will lead to Mangino's cafeteria privileges being revoked, but if Kansas wants to get rid of him it should remember George O'Leary.

He became the only Notre Dame coach to retire undefeated after officials determined he padded his resume and said he had a master's degree from NYU. Notre Dame, as we have all found out, much prefers coaches who flunked their high school coaching clinic.

Kansas should hire the 132 Associated Press reporters currently vetting Sarah Palin's book to check Mangino's resume. If he claims to have graduated from Lincoln University, the guy is toast.

Kansas boosters should also explain how Mangino's appetite for destruction of opponents -- as well as meals -- suddenly became an issue when the team stopped winning.

And now, before Bud Adams realizes we are going to boo him, here's more or less what else happened last week on the sport's and weirdness front.

Sunday

Titans owner Bud Adams flips a bird at Buffalo fans after dozens of them try to seek shelter under his toupee.

Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair stage a bloody brawl while promoting an upcoming Hulkamania match in Australia. Naïve journalists believe the act until Hogan's great-grandson is spotted giving ketchup packets to the nurse who carries Flair's oxygen tank.

A Congressional panel launches an investigation after the Obama Administration releases statistics showing the stimulus package has created a job for Allen Iverson.

Monday

Cleveland's city commission rejects Nike's request to create a giant mural of LeBron James on a 10-story office building, saying it would be too commercial. It then rejects the Big 12's request to create a life-sized mural of Mark Mangino, saying there is no building large enough for such a project.

Italian art collector Giovanni Tozzetti announces he has found Galileo's finger, which was cut from the genius' corpse in 1737. The NFL warns Tozzetti he will be fined $250,000 if he gives the finger to NFL fans.

A California man is arrested for allegedly paying teenagers $31 to spit in his face, scream at him, slap him and urinate on him. He should have just walked on at Kansas and gotten that for free.

Tuesday

Forbes releases its annual Most Overpaid list. Will Ferrell tops the actors category with his movies earning only $3.29 for every dollar he's paid. Rich Rodriguez tops the coaches with his school paying $1.3 million for every Big Ten win.

Track's governing body announces South Africa's Caster Semenya can keep her world championship gold medal but refuses to say if Semenya will next compete as a man, woman or try to become the first person to win both the men's and women's Olympic 800 meters.

In a controversial policy reversal, a government health panel says that women in their 40s should not get yearly exams to see if they're at risk of meeting Steve Phillips.

Wednesday

Sen. Robert Byrd (D-Formaldehyde Jar) becomes the longest-serving lawmaker in congressional history. To commemorate the occasion, Byrd announces he will face the winner of the Hulk Hogan-Ric Flair match.



The Center for Science in the Public Interest reports that a medium-sized popcorn and soda at a movie theater has the nutritional equivalent of three Quarter Pounders topped with 12 pats of butter. Upon hearing the news, Mark Mangino cancels practice to attend the premiere of New Moon.

Georgia mascot UGA VII dies at age 4. His owner denies rumors that UGA committed suicide after learning the Bulldogs were probably headed to the Meineke Car Care Bowl.

Thursday

In honor of Michael Jordan and anyone else who ever sat through one of their games, the Sacramento Monarchs announce they are retiring every number on their roster.

After a late push by the National Organization for Reform of Marijuana Laws, Tim Lincecum wins the Cy Young Award.

Johnny Depp is named People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive," narrowly beating Joe Paterno and Caster Semenya.

Friday

Oprah announces she will end her talk show and give away WNBA franchises to every audience member at the final show.

A 550-pound Georgia man dies after spending his final eight months stuck in a recliner. I'm running out of Mangino jokes, so just make up your own.

Saturday

Johnny Depp is named People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive," narrowly beating Joe Paterno and Caster Semenya.
A Chinese hotel executive pays $350,000 for Michael Jackson's sequined glove. He says it was a bargain compared to what the Cubs paid for Milton Bradley's bat.

A British man is acquitted of murder after claiming he strangled his wife in bed because he was dreaming she was an intruder. After hearing the verdict, Kansas officials tell Mangino he will no longer be allowed to take naps in the team locker room.

A Vatican researcher says faint writing on the linen confirms the Shroud of Turin was the burial cloth of Jesus. Computer-enhanced images found "Tebow" and "15" on the back of the garment.

Next Week

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geitner will tell Congress a third stimulus package may be needed to save Charlie Weis' job.

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg will approve Nike's request to dress the Statue of Liberty in a giant No. 23 jersey if LeBron James agrees to sign with the Knicks.

Disaster will be narrowly averted after the ropes holding Mark Mangino snap and he floats toward a crowded restaurant during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.