Week in Review: 'Serious' Business

There are about 293 unanswered questions surrounding last week's big news. One of the biggest is why Tiger Woods went to a hospital that considers a runny nose a "serious" condition.

The initial worldwide panic over his "accident" could have been avoided if Health Central Hospital hadn't reported Woods was in "serious" condition when, according to TMZ, his wife had really only stuck an 8-iron up one of his major body cavities.

That would be seriously embarrassing, but people generally interpret "serious" to mean the patient has a life-threatening condition, like a football program being coached by Charlie Weis.

A spokesman said all patients transported by ambulance are initially listed as "serious." That seems a seriously flawed policy, though it certainly jump-started the media frenzy over Woods. Which brings us to our Quote of the Week.

"I wish people would open their minds and enjoy things. It's all for a laugh. It's really not that big of a deal."

No, that wasn't Woods when he finally decided to talk to police investigators. It was Adam Lambert after his performance on the American Music Awards.

In case you were lucky enough to miss it, the American Idol star kissed a male keyboard player and had a dancer simulate oral sex on him. We would relate that to the conversation Woods and his wife had just before he plowed over the fire hydrant, but this column was just transported to Health Central Hospital and therefore must initially be "serious."

There, that's long enough. Now on to Quote of the Week II.

"Just to get away from school right now is all we want. We'll try to get some [class] work done. If it doesn't get done, it doesn't get done. Don't worry about it."

So said Kentucky basketball player Daniel Orton when discussing his study plans during the Wildcats' trip to the Cancun Challenge. It sounds as if John Calipari is quickly making the same academic inroads he blazed at Memphis, where Derrick Rose made the Dean's List for averaging 15 points a game.

On that note, this column has been upgraded from "serious" to "sarcastic" condition. In lieu of flowers, Kentucky fans are asked to send SAT answers to their local Calipari recruit.

And now without further delay, here's what else Elin Woods can tell the police she witnessed last week:
Sunday

A Pennsylvania man kills girlfriend's 13-week old pit bull because the puppy wouldn't behave before the Steelers' broadcast. He flees but police recognize him wearing a No. 7 Eagles jersey.

Hacked e-mails from the Climate Research Unit at the University of East Anglia show scientists conspired to promote "global warming" and rigged computer models to get East Anglia into a BCS bowl.

After nobody notices Jimmie Johnson won his fourth straight Sprint Cup title, NASCAR announces next year's Daytona 500 will be held in Tiger Woods' driveway and the honorary starter will be Elin.

Monday

Unable to find a team willing to let him start, Allen Iverson announces he is retiring and will replace Timothy Geitner as Treasury Secretary.

A friend of O.J. Simpson tells the New York Post that Simpson has been working out in prison and is in great shape and that O.J. expects to sign with the Raiders as soon as his 30-year sentence is up.

PETA suggest the University of Georgia replace its recently deceased UGA mascot with a fake "animatronic" dog. The university quickly notes that it replaced Mark Richt with an animatronic coach midway through the season.

Tuesday

An unidentified couple crashes the state dinner for the prime minister of India. Secret Service say President Obama was never in danger despite the fact Elin Woods was carrying a loaded 3-wood in her purse.

Donny Osmond wins Dancing With the Stars. Somewhere his ex-teen heartthrob rival Michael Jackson starts moonwalking 360s in his grave.

At a study hall before leaving for Cancun, seven of the 15 Kentucky basketball players successfully find Mexico on the map.

Wednesday

Brady Quinn defends Charlie Weis, saying "I'd like to play under him again." Cleveland fans immediately petition Notre Dame to give Quinn another four years of eligibility and to take Eric Mangini with him.

Swedish police release a man suspected of murdering his wife, saying the woman was actually killed by a moose. In completely unrelated news, Tiger Woods decides to buy a 600-pound European Elk for his Florida mansion.

A German woman is crushed when a 220-pound fake Christmas tree falls on her. The tree is inadvertently transported to Health Central Hospital, where it is listed in "serious" condition.

Thursday

The NFL Network "accidentally" airs Denver coach Josh McDaniels yelling a vulgarity during the Broncos' win over New York. The ratings-starved network then replays Adam Lambert's AMA performance and identifies him as Giants coach Tom Coughlin.

After securing a promise he will be the starting point guard, Allen Iverson announces he is signing with the New York Liberty.

The Fiesta Bowl announces WWE champion John Cena will be the grand marshal of its parade. In related news, the BCS announces it has predetermined Boise State will get jobbed out of a bid.

Friday

The Florida Tuskers' dream of a perfect 7-0 season dies when they lose the UFL championship game to Las Vegas. The 1972 Dolphins break out a warm Pabst Blue Ribbon to celebrate.

The New Jersey Nets drop to 0-16. The 2008 Detroit Lions send a congratulatory telegram welcoming them to the club.

PETA protests outside the gates of the exclusive Isleworth development after Tiger Woods runs over a fire hydrant and denies local poodles a place to relieve themselves.

Saturday

After securing a promise he will be the starting point guard, Allen Iverson announces he is signing with the New York Liberty.
Elin Woods tells police investigators that a fake Christmas tree fell on her husband's Escalade and caused the fingernail scratches on his face.

Barack Obama attends the Oregon State-George Washington University game. The Secret Service reports nobody crashed the gate despite repeated pleas from GWU athletic department.

After Charlie Weis, Ralph Friedgen and Mark Mangino combine to go 13-22, the NCAA unveils its Rooney Rule – Schools must interview at least one healthy coach before hiring someone who looks like he just ate Andy Rooney.

This Week's Guaranteed Developments:

A 911 tape will reveal Tiger Woods was just going to discuss politics with Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford and John Edwards when he left his house at 2:30 a.m.

Florida State will announce Bobby Bowden retired seven years ago.

After months of pondering, President Obama will announce he's sending an additional 30,000 troops to help keep the peace in Isleworth.