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On Wednesday, the MLB Players' Association voted unanimously to approve the selection of General Counsel Michael Weiner as their Executive Director, effective immediately. Weiner has years of experience and is excited to do a great job despite always looking like he's wearing some kind of weird rubber mask. Weiner has a lot of ideas to help Major League Baseball, such as an expanded and contracted playoff structure, a regulation of draft procedures, and riding around in a huge car shaped like a hot dog. Whatever he does will be an improvement over former director Donald Fehr, who ushered in the new era of leadership by allowing everyone he knows to do tons and tons of drugs.
Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. But before you jump, be sure to vote repreatedly and often for Amandah P. and her superfluous H as 2010 Phillies ballgirl.
The Dugout
| **Online Host** Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. |
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AWeinerIsYou: Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. Today I'm named the new executive director of the MLB Players' Association. |
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AWeinerIsYou: I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stop putting things off, I would be happier. |
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AWeinerIsYou: Baseball needs a Best-of-7 Division Series and a postseason with fewer off days. If we had a seven game division series, I would be happier. |
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AWeinerIsYou: I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. |
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AWeinerIsYou: But that's not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? |
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AWeinerIsYou: The sense of this executive board is that mandatory slotting, as you call it, or a salary cap, as I would call it, is going to be a tough haul. |
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AWeinerIsYou: We need to get support for that. But I'll still be ugly. Nothing's gonna change that. |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: Hey Mike, what're you up to? |
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AWeinerIsYou: Trying to write a Dugout. |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: Good sh**, man. What's it about? |
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AWeinerIsYou: Arbitration. Nobody's done a Dugout about arbitration before, so, so there are no guidelines. |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: You know what you should do? Put Farnsworth and Thome in the Dugout, and have them be fighting over a, I don't know, like a piece of cake |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: and then you have the arbitrator come in and say "I'm gonna cut this pie in half, and whoever wants it more will say that they'd rather the other guy get it than see it cut" |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: and then Kyle Farnsworth gets cut in half with the sword. Wouldn't that be f**ked up? |
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AWeinerIsYou: That doesn't make any sense. Why would the arbitrator cut Farnsworth in half? |
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AWeinerIsYou: A pie is supposed to be cut, either guy is going to have to cut the pie to enjoy it. We always use Farnsworth. Doesn't make any sense. |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: Sorry. People laugh at the unexpected! |
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AWeinerIsYou: Into me as the new head of the MLBPA... Donald Fehr is there, introducing me. I take the podium, my hands are sweating, and... |
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AWeinerIsYou: /buries head in hands |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: Don't worry about it so much, bro. Just sit down, open up Dreamweaver, and write. You're good! People are reading you. I think. |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: I'll be over here possibly only existing in your subconscious if you need me |
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AWeinerIsYou: /puts fingers on home keys, stares at mlbplayers.com |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: did you tell them about how you want to make baseball like football, where the good draft picks always go to horrible teams and languish for like seven years before doing anything worthwhile |
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AWeinerIsYou: I was planning to, but- |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: did you tell them about how drug testing was working fine, even though it turns out every player ever was slash is on drugs? |
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AWeinerIsYou: I don't know if I'll have room |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: did you write some more about the "salary floor," because the biggest problem facing baseball is that players aren't making enough money? |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: did you talk about how much you love the small market teams |
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AWeinerIsYou: yes |
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AWeinerIsYou: argh will you shut up, I need to get this posted so we can break up the 40,000 posts about Tiger Woods and his wandering junk |
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WeinersDontUseDrugs: sorry |
| **Online Host** Later that day, in the Major League Baseball Players Association Chatroom... |
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FehrDotCom: All right everyone, if I could have your attention please, I'd like to- |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: who elected will forte playen a political figure to be our leader |
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FehrDotCom: uh... well, I'd like to introduce you to the new, acting executive director of the MLBPA, Mr. Michael Weiner. |
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AWeinerIsYou: Thanks, everyone. First of all, let me say what an honor it is to be here with- |
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WordUpThome: HEY EVERY ONE GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY, HIS NAME IS "WEINER" LIKE A FRANKED FURTER |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: like the profane body part!!!!!! !!!! |
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AWeinerIsYou: Uhhh, as I was saying, uhh... /awkwardly shuffles, drops index cards |
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WordUpThome: EXCUSE ME MR. FEHR WILL YOU SHOW US YOUR WEINER |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: with weiner times are gonna be hard lol hey weiner you sure you have the balls for this job lol weiner hey winer weiner weiner weiner |
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AWeinerIsYou: I should... I should probably... uhhhhhhhh |
| **Online Host** AWeinerIsYou has left the chatroom in a sweaty mess. |
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FehrDotCom: Welp, that didn't work. I guess I have no choice but to surrender to Bud Selig! |
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WordUpThome: HOO-RAY |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /is cut in half by samurai sword |
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