The Week in Review: Tiger Tosses His Cookies

WINDERMERE, Fla. -- Welcome to the scene of the crime.

No, not that one.

The other one, where satellite trucks and talking heads from around the world hogged the handicapped parking spaces across from the front gate of Isleworth. In case you've been dead the past week, that's where You-Know-Who lives.

We'd like to ignore that story, but it would be like living in Pompeii and pretending Vesuvius didn't erupt and spew lava-hot bimbos all over the land. So while we must address it, we will maintain some shred of journalistic dignity and not use you-know-who's name.

You're probably as sick of hearing it as his wife. Though we beseech you not to take a 4-iron to your computer.

Or was it a sand wedge? So many questions linger, but there's no doubt YKW's tale (we'll go with his initials) had a profound impact on earth's orbit last week. Everybody had women on their mind.

David Stern predicted one would be in the NBA within a decade. Charlie Weis said one was shacking up with Pete Carroll. Geraldo Rivera said something you'd expect from Geraldo.

"If he wins the U.S. Open people will think of the green jacket."

That would normally make Quote of the Week, but it was aced out by a spokesperson for "The Tyra Banks Show."

"He did not touch her behind. It's just the angle of the photo."

What made it so priceless was "He" is the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. In text language, CM went YKW on TB. In real words, Cookie Monster apparently groped Miss Banks' rear end during a skit. Let's just hope Mrs. Monster doesn't find the 300 text mysterious messages on her husband's phone.

But things could have been worse for YKW. A Minnesota Viking could have been driving his Escalade.

First, Adrian Peterson was ticketed for driving 109 mph, then Bernard Berrian was clocked at 104. At least they were awake at the wheel, which was more than could be said for Florida defensive end Carlos Dunlap.

He was busted for DUI when Gainesville police found him asleep at a traffic light at 3:25 a.m. Dunlap's excuse was that he'd just left an Urban Meyer motivational speech on the SEC Championship Game.

Five days later, Tim Tebow was outperformed by some chick who threw nine footballs into a target at halftime to win a scholarship. Somewhere, YKW was probably texting her about how nice her form was.

Now, before Gloria Allred sues FanHouse for excessive chauvinism, here's a recap of what you may have missed last week while waiting on YKW to poke his head out of Isleworth's gilded gates. Sunday

Newsweek reports that in his much-anticipated speech at West Point, President Obama plans to order 30,000 new fans to Notre Dame but says the school must meet benchmarks and beat Navy in the next 18 months.

Saskatchewan loses, 28-27, in Grey Cup thanks to Montreal getting a second field-goal attempt when the Roughriders were penalized for having too many men on field. Geraldo predicts people will only remember Montreal wearing the green jacket.

The world's largest atom smasher in Switzerland set a world record for proton acceleration, breaking the previous mark set by YKW's wife when she swung a proton-enhanced driver at her husband.

Monday

Sports Illustrated names Derek Jeter its Sportsman of the Year, narrowly beating Barack Obama.

The Jets bring in Yankees manager Joe Girardi to teach Mark Sanchez how to slide and throw the ball within six feet of the strike zone.

Golf Digest's January cover comes out and shows YKW reading a putt behind a kneeling Barack Obama with the caption "10 Tips Obama Can Take From (YKW)." Michelle Obama immediately orders the Secret Service to remove the magazine from the Oval Office.

Tuesday

A Birmingham, Ala., woman who'd changed her named to "Jesus Christ" is excused from jury duty. The judge said any verdict would be appealed based on the fact the woman wears only No. 15 Florida jerseys.

FSU puts Bobby Bowden on an ice floe and pushes him out to sea, leaving Joe Paterno the only remaining college football coach to have served under Teddy Roosevelt.

Notre Dame fires Charlie Weis but gives him an $18 million buyout and six months to remove all personal effects and Frito-Lay bags from his office.

Wednesday

Ron Artest tells Sporting News that he used to drink cognac at halftime. Not to be outdone, Dennis Rodman says he once had sex with an armadillo while getting an offensive rebound in San Antonio.

Casey Johnson, the daughter of Jets owner Woody Johnson, is arrested for grand theft after allegedly taking clothing and jewelry from a friend's apartment. Coach Rex Ryan says he plans to bring in Rickey Henderson to teach her how to steal.

Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez compares his team's woes to New Orleans after Katrina, but adds that defensive coordinator Michael "Brownie" Brown did a "heck of a job."

Thursday

One week after banning tattoos on the right "saluting arm," the Air Force drops the new policy after realizing 17,000 new recruits and every NBA player would be disqualified from serving if World War III breaks out.

A female horse at Calder Race Course is diagnosed with herpes. Track officials said they don't know how she contracted the virus, but they do find 300 text messages on her cell phone from YKW.

David Stern tells Sports Illustrated that a woman could be good enough to play in the NBA within 10 years, and that a kangaroo could play in the WNBA next season.

Friday

The USO names Barry Switzer coach of a military flag football team in Iraq, citing his vast experience in dealing with players who carry automatic weapons.

In the wake of the Climategate scandal, two Academy Awards voters say Al Gore should give back his Oscar for "An Inconvenient Truth." In related news, 794 Heisman voters say Troy Smith should return his 2006 Heisman Trophy.

A graduate student at the University of Delaware discovers a letter from Thomas Jefferson in which he claims YKW fathered Sally Hemings' child

Saturday

A fire kills two men and 43 horses at Lebanon Raceway. The track bravely stays open for simulcasting, saying the horses would have wanted it that way.

Charlie Weis says he couldn't have gotten away with shacking up with a grad student, like Pete Carroll has. Carroll denies the accusation and points out there isn't a grad student within 5,000 miles of South Bend who'd shack up with Weis.

Spain wins the Davis Cup, prompting Geraldo Rivera to predict if Spain wins the World Cup people will only think of Generalissimo Francisco Franco still being dead.

Next Week's Guaranteed Developments

After resigning as football coach at Kansas, Mark Mangino will announce he plans to pursue his dream of fighting ex-players and becoming the UFC's super-duper-heavyweight champ.

With everyone except Bea Arthur claiming to have had an affair with him, YKW will go on Oprah and tearfully admit that all he ever wanted was to pass Jack Nicholson's record of 18 major mistresses in a career.

Gloria Allred will file a paternity suit against Dennis Rodman on behalf of an armadillo.