Stinkface Chronicles: Boom With a View

They will never consider it, but it may be time to rechristen Staples Center the Stinkface Center.

For some reason, the Anschutz Entertainment Group's pleasure palace in downtown Los Angeles has been the place to see and be seen when it comes to unleashing the stankiest, funkiest and most malodorous dunks of this, the nascent 2009-10 NBA season. This is the seventh entry of the Stinkface Chronicles and dunks at the Staples Center have been featured in half of our previous chapters.

What will we give in you in Stinkface VII? You receive a double-dose of Staples stink, though -- apologies Clippers and Lakers fans -- no member of the two local fives uncapped any of the funk.

Trevor Ariza on Chris Kaman

Last week, Trevor Ariza made his second appearance at Staples as a Rocket, a mere six months after winning a title with the Lakers. In his first game back, new Laker Ron Artest threw Ariza's shoe to Dyan Cannon.

In his second game back to Staples as a Rocket, Ariza took it out on Kaman.

Watch.



As the video is titled: Trevor Ariza dunks on Chris Kaman's children's children. No wonder Ariza made it look so easy, dunking on kids like that. And Kaman may be losing his hair, but he doesn't look old enough to be a grandfather.

Regardless, Ariza isn't an ageist. He brought the tomahawk down hard on Kaman's head. It sounded like the following video at the 3:10 mark.



That's Kaman and his buddies lighting a fuse and exploding unused mortars on Kaman's thinning front lawn. You can see a parallel in Ariza blowing up on Kaman's receding hairline.

First, we have the anticipation: the lighting of the fuse. It begins at eight seconds into the video as Ariza gets the ball at three-point line on the left wing and he's alone. I mean alone as in the other nine players are on the opposite half of the court.

The fuse is lit.

Clipper center Marcus Camby tries to blow it out, but Ariza lets him blow by instead. Ariza has no intention of shooting the three. The lane has turned into a runway and he's ready to soar. One teammate knows it, too. Please look at the posture of the fifth Rocket down the bench. Talk about chillaxin'.

Yet, as soon as Camby sails past Ariza and into the scorer's table, that fifth Rocket slides forward in his seat in anticipation. He just doesn't want to see the explosion; he wants to feel the heat as well.

Baron Davis then tries to snuff the spark, but he too goes flying by. As Ariza takes off outside the restricted area, his teammate rises out of his seat. When Ariza reaches his apex and Kaman comes into view, the fifth Rocket -- a clairvoyant -- leaves his seat and pivots toward the rest of the bench.

He's ready to react. Here it comes: BOOM!

Of course, the fifth Rocket's response is like that of a kid on Christmas morning who gets what he asked for: pure exultation. That PlayStation3 is gonna play real nice on daddy's new HDTV.

For the players on the floor, their reaction is far more measured. They turn and run down the floor. They have a game to play.

For the fans, the explosion rippled through the seats like a shock wave. At 10 seconds into the video, watch the group of people in the third row behind the hockey boards behind the Rockets bench. Don't worry, you can't miss them. They're practically the only ones in that section.

There's a gentleman in a blue shirt and a guy in a white Lakers No. 24 jersey. I would like to thank them for their sartorial choices because it made them easy to identify. They act as if they've been caught in the Ariza dunk blast and lean way back in their seats.

You can't see their stinkfaces, but you know they're making them because -- coupled with the pained "Ohhhhhhh!" the crowd lets out -- they both cover their face. A close up of those two would have made for good comedy. The gent in the Lakers jersey goes so far as to do it with both hands and then doubles over as if he's in pain. Maybe he realized he's a Lakers fan at a Clippers game and that the Clippers' starting center just got treated like the Lakers' backup center. Maybe he likes Kaman and feels tender toward him as would a mother to a child who just got posterized. Maybe he exploded in laughter because that's just how silly the dunk was.

Again, it's all speculation. But there is one thing we know: Ariza on Kaman blew up real good.

Jermaine O'Neal on Lamar Odom's Back



Not every Stinkface needs to come during the dunk. To wit: Jermaine O'Neal and Lamar Odom, the best shoving match between NBA players with last names beginning with O since the great Don Osten-Wally Osterkorn dustup in the early '50s. (Maybe there was a Greg Ostertag-Charles Oakley tussle I missed.)

Anyway, O'Neal gets a nice feed from Dwyane Wade, Odom tries to help on defense, but lags behind the play as O'Neal slams it home. But O'Neal has a difficult time returning to the Staples Center floor because Odom's standing under the hoop. As is his right, by NBA rule, O'Neal hangs on the rim without receiving a tech, but as he lets go of the rim, he lands on Odom's Kardashian karrier. Odom takes exception, of course, because that spot is for toting his lady on romantic moonlit walks on the beach in Malibu.

O'Neal mentions he didn't see a "reserved" sign on Odom's back. Odom says it's a given. NBA pushes are exchanged as are technical fouls and Odom gets the rest of the night off because that was tech No. 2.

Alas, O'Neal thinks not one bit of this is funny as his stinkface is profound. His teammate, Quentin Richardson, however finds the whole incident hilarious. After the fact, it's hard not to agree with Q.

Later this week: Deron Williams and Andre Iguodala