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On Saturday morning, 19-year old Nikolai Bonds was arrested under suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon after arguing with his mother, then throwing a doorknob at her. This is a very serious issue, raising questions about the role of a parent in disciplining a child, the terror of a woman being physically abused at all, much less by their own son, and the further degradation of a generation of rich, egocentric teenagers. However, adding "Barry Bonds" to the equation makes it ridiculous and hilarious, and you start asking yourself questions like "does Barry shoot his kid up with HGH and that is why he is a crazed monster" and "how big is Nikolai's head going to be in 2025."Nikolai was not only arrested for suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, but for suspicion of assault and battery, vandalism, false imprisonment (for not letting his mother leave the house), and obstructing and resisting an officer. Note: Miley Cyrus getting a tattoo under her boob could've been a hell of a lot worse.
The Dugout
| **Online Host** Welcome to the Barry Bonds Family Chatroom! |
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SonOfBonds: reaahhhhrgg /berates mother, breaks vases and picture frames, throws doorknob through nearby wall |
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GoldBonds: *clicks tongue* nikolai c'mere |
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SonOfBonds: what |
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GoldBonds: c'mere nikolai barry bonds wants to have a talk with you |
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SonOfBonds: i ain do nothin |
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GoldBonds: NIKOLAI ONE, TWO... don't make barry bonds count to three ONE, TWO... ONE |
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SonOfBonds: awwwww |
| **Online Host** GoldBonds and SonOfBonds have entered a private chatroom. |
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GoldBonds: now that you have taken a break from mercilessly frightening your own mother i gotta ask you seriously - what do you think about tiger woods |
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SonOfBonds: huh |
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GoldBonds: tiger woods the golfer is having sex with many ladies, its all over the news, folks dyin in arabia nobody cares just wanna know bout tiger sinkin butts |
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SonOfBonds: i thought you was gonna bring me in here an bust me up |
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GoldBonds: see i think he went about it all wrong |
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GoldBonds: when barry bonds cheated on his sherry palmer lookin ass wife he did so with a exotic playboy play mate |
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GoldBonds: tiger got it all backwards, cheatin on the beautiful playmate with a series of women, each with a right eye wonkier than the next |
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GoldBonds: what, bust you up, why |
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SonOfBonds: because i was assaulting my mom with a deadly weapon |
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GoldBonds: nikolai i did not name you after the iron sheik's friend because i wanted you to NOT beat people up |
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SonOfBonds: yes sir but i was tryin to assassinate her with a feature of furniture |
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GoldBonds: mmmm hm and just like tully blanchard it backfired on ya ass, didn't it |
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SonOfBonds: yes sir |
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GoldBonds: nikolai where the f**k did you get a f**kin doorknob anyway, did babydoll throw that sh** over the steel cage for you to use |
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GoldBonds: an what was with that throw, what kind of accuracy is that, throwin at your moms an hittin the damn living room wall |
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SonOfBonds: /shrug |
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GoldBonds: i thought you was the son of barry bonds, not the son of bobby bonilla |
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SonOfBonds: sorry dad |
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GoldBonds: yeah you better be |
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GoldBonds: well barry bonds has talked to you briefly about this an he is startin to fall asleep so let me wrap this up: in conclusion, what are your feelings ree tiger woods |
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SonOfBonds: n***a crazy |
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GoldBonds: agreed! now go back out there with your mother and experience zero consequences |
| **Online Host** GoldBonds and SonOfBonds have entered a private chatroom. |
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LadyCop: Nikolai Bonds? You're under arrest on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. |
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GoldBonds: what, why |
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LadyCop: Because there is a terrified lady on the ground and a bunch of broken stuff in your house and a doorknob sized hole in the wall with a doorknob in it |
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GoldBonds: this is because i'm black, isn't it |
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LadyCop: Sir, you aren't under arrest. Your son is. |
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GoldBonds: you racist the only way to handle this is to FLIP OUT AND KILL YOU AHHHHHH |
| **Online Host** GoldBonds has blown out both knees and torn a pectoral muscle trying to choke the hell out of a lady cop. |
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GoldBonds: help me son, take her down, you are too beautiful to go to jail |
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SonOfBonds: /picks up vase, hurls it directly at LadyCop |
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LadyCop: /remains motionless |
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Vase: /lands two feet in front of the lady cop, doesn't break |
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GoldBonds: son of a bitch when did steve buechele impregnate my wife |
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