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The Associated Press (my finishing hold if I ever become a newspaper-themed professional wrestler) reports that Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland would rather concede to the judgment of a first base umpire than go through the trouble of walking all the way out there and moving all of those limbs and saying all of those words. Thanks a lot, slowest baseball news day ever. What, did Sammy Sosa's nephew not rob a magic shop or something? Is someone at the Associated Press doing an article for their high school newspaper? Did Tiger Woods only reveal seven new mistresses today? Regardless, my job as a comedy blogger is to comedically blog about the news, and this is what constitutes news. Tomorrow's Dugout: Manny Acta would rather pee standing up than have to sit on the cold toilet rim.
The Dugout
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GotMeOnMyKnees: I've thought about this long and hard. I've always said that I think they ought to change one thing about baseball. |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: What, the ongoing shame of rampant steroid abuse and its effect on the sport and its history? |
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FuTeNiOnTheBounty: 便所佇叨位? |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: The skyrocketing salaries? The growing gap between big and small market teams? |
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FuTeNiOnTheBounty: 你會曉講台語無? |
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DragonsLaird: is it my horrible face |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: No, none of those things. I don't think you should be able to argue an out-safe call at first base. |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: Talk about delaying the games and everything. |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: oh |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: I think if they don't allow you to argue that call -- he said he was safe, he said he was out, he never changes his mind -- plus he's behind the plate the next time. |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: So why go out and argue? |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: no, I mean I guess I see your point, arguing with the umpires is generally fruitless |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: We should probably also stop letting coaches walk to the mound to talk to or replace pitchers. |
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DragonsLaird: what, why |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: Talk about slowing the game down. You go out, you've got to walk all that way and then talk, and what for? Conversation is a futile attempt to connect with your fellow man. |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: I'm not going to be able to really "change" the pitcher or help him with my words. Philosophically I don't even know that he exists. |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: I should be able to make pitching changes from the dugout, or the whole thing should just be automated |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: now when you say you aren't sure philosophically that the pitcher exists, do you mean- |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: My mind is the only thing I know exists. Solipsism. I don't know that you're real. The fans in the stadium might just be figments of my imagination. |
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DragonsLaird: they are. we play in detroit, last season our attendance was "four" |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: the stadium isn't real either, we played in a liquor store until it was robbed by machete-toting eleven-year olds. |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: now we play in MBM Check Cashing & Gold Field |
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DragonsLaird: the giant soap sculptures of tigers outside of the park are still real |
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FuTeNiOnTheBounty: 我聽無 |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: baseball is like life, in that all of its serious problems are neither material nor conjectural, but philosophical. |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: for example, what is the deal with me having to go out into the grass and take off my hat to listen to the national anthem? |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: I should be allowed to waste away in the shade of the dugout, closing my eyes and performing the song in my head at some point during each day |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: perhaps on special days I will imagine a flag |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: So basically what you're saying is that the one thing you'd fix about baseball is having to stand up or do anything |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: it's my personal philosophy, I got it from Eric Wedge |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: you got it from being a crotchety old man |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: /puts wad of chewing tobacco into mouth; lights wad on fire |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: if we stop arguing calls baseball becomes like some weird internet forum where the mods can't take a joke and any conflicting opinion is an anti-humanitarian personal attack |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: shouldn't we stop worrying about hurting each others' feelings and worry about the fact that we are boring and going to sh** |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: shh, let's end this conversation with a moment of reflection |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: you are eating a ball of flaming dirt |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: I'm not eating it, I'm chewing it and I said shut up |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: ... |
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FuTeNiOnTheBounty: ... |
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DragonsLaird: ... |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: shouldn't we- |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: shhhh |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: but I |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: shhhhhhh |
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OhComeLetUsOrdonez: ... |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: ... |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: ... |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: ... |
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GotMeOnMyKnees: /eats flaming ball of dirt |
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