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In "teams I wish would would huddle together closely and jump off a cliff" news, Boston Red Sox left fielder Jason Bay has turned down a sixty-million dollar deal from the club to explore his options in free agency. His agent says that there are already better offers on the table, so that was my starting point. Then I image searched Jason Bay's agent, vomited out loud for about twenty-five minutes, and the whole Dugout process changed.But anyway, Jason Bay is better than your average outfielder and therefore will be carried around the parks next year in a golden chariot filled with dubloons. These entitled athletes, am I right? Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. Or below, I guess, because you can't read this from the main page anymore.
The Dugout
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TheoElDio: All right jerks, I've got my leather jacket, I've got on my skinny jeans, let's do this thang. |
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TheoElDio: Jason. Jay Bay. My boy. MY BOY. |
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TheBayBoy: hello |
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TheoElDio: $60 mil keeps you in uniform for another four years. Perfect, boom, sign right here, here's a pen made out of TITANIUM, and, uh |
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TheBayBoy: /leans back in chair; whispers into half-opened storage closet |
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TheBayBoy: No thank you! /starts to get up to leave |
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TheoElDio: Wait, hold on a second? What did you just do? With the... /makes wild finger gestures in direction of closet |
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TheBayBoy: what, nothing |
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TheoElDio: No, it was something, you leaned back in your chair and talked into that broom closet and ... |
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TheBayBoy: No I didn't! |
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TheoElDio: Frank and BEANS! Help me out here, bro! |
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FranconaBun: We all saw you, Jason, and the 38 people on the roster who look exactly like you are all in the other room, so we KNOW it was you. Fess up. |
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TheBayBoy: ... all right, you got me. I was talking to my agent. My agent is in the closet. |
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TheoElDio: An agent? Well bring him out here! We can get down to BRASS TACKS. Play a little HARDBALL. Put our NUTS TO THE GROUND if you know what I'm saying |
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TheBayBoy: I... I can't do that. |
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FranconaBun: oh no, did you just mean your agent was gay when you said that |
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TheoElDio: That's not a problem either. Hey, we're a tolerant team - we let Clay Buchholz stay on the roster, don't we? |
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TheBayBoy: It's not that either, it's just... uh, how do I say this... |
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TheBayBoy: My agent is basically the scariest looking human being to ever walk the Earth. If you looked directly at his face I'm pretty sure you would sh** your pants and die. |
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TheBayBoy: and then I'm in here with him and a room of dead bodies, and I don't really feel like watching him strip your flesh and eat your bones today |
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TheoElDio: C'mon, you've got to be kidding. |
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TheBayBoy: No, it's true. He's going to sprout bats wings and hold your eyeballs in front of his eyes as though they were his eyes |
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TheoElDio: Jay Bay, c'mon now, I think I can heh heh handle looking at an ugly guy. How bout you, Frank? You okay looking at a real stinker? |
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FranconaBun: sure, I gotta look at Boof Bonser all the time now |
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TheoElDio: Then it's settled. Bring him on out, and let's iron this out. |
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TheBayBoy: well... okay... /wanders into closet, begins loosening shackles /tosses humorously oversized padlock into room |
| **Online Host** UrbonMyth has entered the chatroom, landing on two feet but resting on four. |
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UrbonMyth: HELLO |
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FranconaBun: AHHHHHHHHH |
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TheoElDio: AHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHH |
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FranconaBun: AHHHHHHHHH |
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UrbonMyth: WE DO NOT AGREE WITH YOUR EVALUATION OF THE PLAYER |
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TheoElDio: AHHHHH JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS HAPPENING |
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FranconaBun: WHY IS YOUR AGENT A CLAY AIKEN CHUD BABY |
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TheBayBoy: He's very good! |
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UrbonMyth: FRANKLY WE HAVE OTHER OFFERS ON THE TABLE THAT ARE OF GREATER INTEREST TO hissssssssss |
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UrbonMyth: TO JASON |
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FranconaBun: Oh great, we know what that means. |
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WinBenSteinsBrenner: /taps fingertips together excitedly |
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TheBayBoy: Uh, well it's actually more like... |
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WilponDeReplay: /drinks standing water from half-filled trash can /falls into trash can |
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TheBayBoy: but still |
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UrbonMyth: /unhinges jawbone to drain ursine fluids |
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TheoElDio: oh, oh god I don't even care anymore just, just get out of here /shields eyes |
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TheBayBoy: okay guys, well, it was great playing in Boston, I had a- |
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FranconaBun: NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT YOU JUST LEAVE |
| **Online Host** TheBayBoy has ridden UrbonMyth out of the chatroom. |
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FranconaBun: What are we supposed to do in left field now? |
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TheoElDio: does Matt Holliday's agent look like something Kratos should be stabbing in the eyeball with a horn? |
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FranconaBun: no |
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TheoElDio: great, give Matt Holliday 400 million dollars, who gives a sh** |
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