Week in Review: No More Tiger

Before Tiger Woods issues another press release asking to be left alone, we would like to issue our own prepared statement:

Leave us alone!

After today, Week in Review is taking an indefinite break from Tiger Woods. No more stories about Perkins waitresses slathered in syrup or how Woods checked into the hospital under the name William Smith.

Will Smith, the Fresh Prince of Isleworth? Tiger, your private life has grown sordidly stale.

We realize you didn't exactly want it to become the universe's No. 1 conversation topic. Anthropologists discovered a lost Amazonian tribe last week sitting around a campfire arguing whether Elin should shrink your head.

But you knew such rampant hanky-panky would get out and mutate like the Ebola virus. If you didn't, you must have balata for brains. Now you want a "safe haven" for "personal healing."

So do we, pal. If we hear one more porn star confession we might go Steve Williams on a fire hydrant. We only hope our sponsors stick with us as we concentrate on other world events, like football mascots getting busted in prostitution raids. Which brings us to our Quote of the Week:

"He will be fine in time, but the remote was a write-off."

So said Dr. Wei Lung Zhi after he removed a TV remote control from the rear end of Huang Chen. The unfortunate Chinese college student got drunk and his roommates apparently decided to play a little prank on him.

There's no need for further details. We figure it's just a matter of days until some Las Vegas "hostess" comes out with a story about Tiger's remote control fetish.

Fear not, we are changing the channel. Furthermore, we advise all those still interested in Woods to wash their hands before proceeding. Now we'll recap one last Tiger-dominated week and then move to a private island in Sweden.

Sunday

Hours after Florida loses the SEC Championship game, Urban Meyer checks into a Gainesville hospital to have Nick Saban removed from his brain.

A New Jersey funeral home director is arrested for selling body parts after investigators discover Raiders fans ordered a brain for JaMarcus Russell.

TMZ reports that doctors at Health Central Hospital found a 6-iron up Tiger Woods' rear end. "He will be fine in time," a doctor said, "but the golf club was a write-off."

Monday

Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen and receiver Golden Tate announce they plan to turn pro as long as they are not drafted by whatever team hires Charlie Weis.

Despite Barry Bonds' insistence that he won't retire, his agent says the home run king's career is over unless Victor Conte can come up with age-reversing human growth hormone.

Emergency crews on Long Island rescue a worker who'd been trapped in a cesspool for four hours. A spokesman said if the man had been subjected to one more Tiger Woods story, he might not have survived.

Tuesday

The Environmental Protection Agency announces that it considers the carbon dioxide spewed by Stephen A. Smith to be a dangerous pollutant subject to governmental regulation.

Supermodel Giselle Bundchen presents a new baby boy to Tom Brady, who already had a son with actress Bridget Moynahan. In related news, Victoria's Secret asks the Patriots to trade Brady to Sri Lanka.

After a 54-year run, CBS announces it is canceling As the World Turns and replacing it with a hidden camera attached to Tiger Woods.

Wednesday

After trading 17 Engineering professors and the entire History department to clear salary cap space, Texas signs Mack Brown to a new $5-million-a-year deal.

The NCAA announces it is investigating Tennessee's use of "hostesses" to recruit football players. In related news, Tiger Woods verbally commits to the Volunteers.

Terrell Owens announces he has signed a deal with the Wilhelmina modeling agency but that he has no plans to start dating Tom Brady.

Thursday

Barack Obama accepts the Nobel Peace Prize but tells the Norwegian audience he still plans to send 30,000 additional troops to try to remove Al Davis from Oakland's front office.

In a roundup of prostitutes and their clients, Rhode Island police arrest a man who played Pat the Patriot, the jumbo-headed New England mascot. A team spokesman says the team had no idea Tiger Woods was even a Patriots fan.

After the Iditarod announces it will start drug-testing mushers this year, Barry Bonds' agent announces his client is retiring from dog-sled racing.

Friday

The wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford files for divorce after discovering her husband shared a hotel suite in Las Vegas with Tiger Woods.

Terrance Watanabe, a toy-manufacturing tycoon, is arrested for non-payment of debts after running up $125 million in gambling losses in Las Vegas. As a public service the judge advises Watanabe to film a Nike commercial telling Charles Barkley "I am not a role model."

Notre Dame introduces Brian Kelly as its new coach after private investigators confirm Kelly did not attend the same graduate school as George O'Leary.

Saturday

In the closest vote ever, Alabama's Mark Ingram wins the Heisman Trophy over Barack Obama.

Elin Woods buys a $2 million house on a secluded Swedish island that does not have fire hydrants.

Michelle Duggar, the mother on the reality show 18 Kids and Counting gives birth to her 19th child. Not to be outdone, the Octomom places a call to Tiger Woods.

This week's guaranteed developments or my name isn't William Smith:

Congress will raise the national debt ceiling to $14 billion to help pay for Nick Saban's raise.

Huang Chen will check himself into a hospital after he wakes up from a drunken stupor and discovers his TV set missing.

The PGA Tour will announce it is taking an indefinite break from golf until Tiger Woods returns.