The Seattle Mariners are turning it around, folks. Two years ago they lost 100 games with a $100 million payroll. Last season they improved to 85-77, and this offseason they're one of a few teams going out of their way to make their presence felt. They are trading, signing, and transacting more than a character from Jersey Shore. With a few more roster shakeups they could be looking at a contender. Or hey, at least we could have a different AL West team losing in the playoffs from time to time.

Their first big move was acquiring Arwin-from-The-Suite-Life-quality utilityman Chone Figgins to satiate their need for a power hitter. The next step is adding my personal favorite baseball player Cliff Lee in an attempt to have him play baseball as far away from me geographically as possible. Step three: something involving the moose. Step four: PROFIT!

These issues and more in tonight's Dugout.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Seattle Mariners Offseason War Room Chatroom!
	WakaMole: ...so why did we sign Chone Figgins for four years instead of getting someone who can hit?
	MsGM: The answer is BASEBALL, Don.
	MsGM: Ichiro has a quality OBP, but without consistency behind him in the lineup, causing his stolen bases and rate of runs scored to fall.
	MsGM: Teaming Chone with Ichiro provides an ideal table-setting duo in our new-look every-day offense. His OBA and 101 walks last season factor heavily into this.
	WakaMole: ...uhhh, so... /stares down at floor
	MsGM: You don't follow.
	WakaMole: Sorry boss, I didn't expect to have to know about baseball when I took a job coaching the Mariners. I'd just have to know about rain and uh, Jay Buhner, and... blehhh I don't know
	WakaMole: put it in terms I can understand. Tell it to me in Nintendo from the 1980s
	MsGM: All right. Do you remember Baseball Stars?
	WakaMole: of course, it is only the GREATEST BASEBALL GAME OF ALL TIME.
	Elijah_Price: I don't know, Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball for the Super Nintendo was pretty sweet
	WakaMole: shut the f**k up your game is the most inaccurate of all time, it made Glenallen Hill white, Ben McDonald black, and put Leo Tolstoy on the Athletics when he should've been on the Reds
	Elijah_Price: but Tolstoy disapproved of communism!
	WakaMole: go back to the National League with your antiquated historical assumptions, Nick Noheart
	MsGM: anyway
	MsGM: The best team in Baseball Stars was the American Dreams. Babe, Hank, Willie... no other team could come close.
	WakaMole: right, even their pitchers could hit home runs
	MsGM: I played that game for MONTHS trying to overcome the Dreams. I tried beating them with the team full of Japanese guys...
	WakaMole: the Dodgers
	MsGM: I tried beating them with OTHER team of Japanese guys
	WakaMole: us
	MsGM: I even tried beating them with the Lovely Ladies...
	WakaMole: the Yankees
	MsGM: But the strategy I used there, and the strategy I plan to use in real life, is this: I chose the Ghastly Monsters.
	Elijah_Price: well at least that explains Jack Wilson
	MsGM: no, seriously, the two fastest guys in the game play for the Monsters: "Eric" and "Creepy." Ichiro is Eric, and Chone Figgins is creepy
	chpwned: heeeeeeeeeeehhhhh
	WakaMole: uh...
	MsGM: It doesn't MATTER that Eric and Creepy couldn't hit home runs... if you touched the ball, if you bunted straight to the pitcher, you were guaranteed a spot on base because they were so fast
	WakaMole: so what's the plan?
	MsGM: We bring up Ichiro and count on an infield single
	WakaMole: writing "Do what we have done since 2001." Got it, check. What's next?
	MsGM: Figgins bats second, we have him bunt, no matter the situation. Ichiro is at second before third basebman "Jay" has even touched the ball
	MsGM: The job of the other 7 guys is to put the ball into play... Ichiro and Figgins try to get caught in a rundown, running to and from the base in a jarring pattern until the guy with the ball either throws it back to his base where nobody is covering, or he accidentally throws it to the wrong base
	WakaMole: ...does that happen in real life?
	MsGM: you don't watch a lot of AL West baseball, do you
	MsGM: if Ichiro and Figgins get four at-bats, that guarantees us 8 runs per game, and with an 8 runs per game average I think we can take the division
	Elijah_Price: we could take this division with a 0 runs per game average
	MsGM: Now that we've signed our Creepy, all we have to do is move into beautiful SNK Stadium and read its majestic scoreboard, offering: "WELCOME TO SNK STADIUM"
	WakaMole: Sounds good. What happens when we make it to the playoffs?
	MsGM: I don't know, I never got that far, the game keeps erasing my stats
	WakaMole: I guess all we need now is a pitcher who can give up fewer than 8 runs per game
	Online Host ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet has entered the chatroom.
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: The offseason is boring. You guys want to play XBox?
	Elijah_Price: Sorry, we don't play XBox here, we're the Nintendo team.
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: What's Nintendo?
	WakaMole: XBox for grandmas and babies
	MsGM: we spend all season playing minigames that are so blurry they hurt your eyes, but MARIO is doing them so it is GREAT. You wanna hang out in Seattle?
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: Why not, the Phillies don't know what to do with me anyway

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