"Your misery's over. Take it from a guy who knows, this is the best day of your professional life."
Actually, I'm not sure what Turner told Zorn after the Chargers' B team beat Washington, 23-20. But it should have been something like that considering the pain everybody associated with the Redskins has endured.
"One thing you can say about this season is you won't ever forget it," Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell said, "because you learn how to fight adversity."
Which brings us to the $50 million question: has Dan Snyder finally learned?
On Monday morning, he fired yet another coach. That's six in 10 years. If all the rumors are true, No. 7 will be Mike Shanahan, complete with a five-year deal at a reported $10 million per.
You can say this for Snyder, he doesn't mind spending money. You can also say he needs to spend some on himself -- take a very long vacation, bankroll a couple more Tom Cruise films, go buy a small country and help your wife renovate it. Do anything, just stay away from the Redskins.
Snyder's managerial style has earned him comparisons to cartoon bosses like Montgomery Burns and Cosmo Spacely. I think he's more like Kathy Bates in Misery, and Redskins fans are a collective James Caan.
The only difference is instead of being hobbled by a sledgehammer, Snyder keeps bashing them with his football savvy.
By now you'd think he'd have learned to hire the right people and leave them alone. He's either done one or the other, but never both.
Joe Gibbs he sort of left alone, but Gibbs wasn't the second coming of Joe Gibbs that Snyder thought he'd be. Neither was Steve Spurrier or Marty Schottenheimer. The closest might have been a guy named Norv Turner.
The Redskins were 7-6 when Snyder fired him in December 2000. Since then, Washington is 22 games under .500. So what was it like working for Snyder?
"Uh, it was, uh, you know, we..." Turner said last week. "It's hard, because it wouldn't be fair for me to talk about it in terms of the pluses and minuses and all that. You know, any time you get in a situation and it's brand new, football's a business that's different from probably any other business."
Yeah, you can't treat coaches like they're 7-Eleven clerks who served you a bad Slurpee. Especially when you have no clue how to make a Slurpee yourself.
Snyder's impatience first showed with Turner. His remedy for every problem was to throw money at it. That was fine by Bruce Smith, Deion Sanders, Jeff George and other fading stars.
Along the way, Snyder has done the impossible -- he's made the Redskins unpopular in Washington, D.C. About the best thing you could say about this season was that none of the players pulled guns on each other in the locker room.
No wonder Snyder banned negative signs from FedEx Field.
Poor Zorn was in over his head from the start. He deserves a good share of blame, but nobody deserved to get jerked around like he was.
The guy was classy to the end, even if he was in denial that the end was near. As the game was slipping away Sunday, reports flourished that Zorn would soon be fired.
"Really?" he said. "I've had no indication of that."
Perhaps he didn't see where Snyder had already interviewed assistant coach Jerry Gray for the job. Or he didn't consider it a vote of no-confidence when Snyder yanked his play-calling duties and brought in Sherman Lewis to oversee the offense.
Lewis had been retired for five years and was calling Bingo games at a senior citizen home. It's safe to say Shanahan won't be keeping him on staff.
Actually, it's not safe to say Shanahan will take the job. Snyder may try to exhume Vince Lombardi. Or he could name himself coach and save a bundle when he has to fire himself next season.
For the sake of a once-great franchise, let's hope Snyder has learned from all the self-inflicted adversity.
Hire Shanahan, then disappear. That's the only way the misery will ever end.