Week in Review: Earth vs. Asteroid

There's nothing like starting the year with news that we are all going to die in a fiery apocalypse.

So we'll skip last week's other notable battles -- Gilbert Arenas vs. Javaris Crittenton, Mike Leach vs. the James Gang, Urban Meyer vs. Urban Meyer -- and go directly to the biggest clash of all.

Earth vs. Asteroid.

The head of the Russian space agency said an asteroid approximately twice the size of Shaquille O'Neal is on a collision course with our favorite planet. It's named Apophis, and The Big Rock is set to hit us sometime in the 2030s.

"People's lives are at stake," Anatoly Perminov said.

Isn't that what Washington D.C. police said about visitors entering NBA locker rooms without bulletproof vests? As serious as that issue is, Arenas cannot take out an entire planet.

Perminov said a scientist told him the 850-foot asteroid "will surely collide with the Earth." NASA handicappers have put those odds at 1-in-250,000. But remember, NASA is also a U.S. governmental agency.

An esteemed collection of them recently put the likelihood of a young Muslim buying a one-way ticket to Detroit with an Al Qaeda gold card and then trying to blow up a plane with weaponized underwear at "Don't ask us, we just work here."

So forgive me if I don't have much faith in our government experts. Fortunately, the Russians aren't going to just sit around and let Apophis turn us into dinosaurs.

"We should pay several hundred million dollars and build a system that would prevent a collision," Perminov said.

Isn't that what George Steinbrenner said when the Yankees were threatened by the Red Sox? Which brings us to our Quote of the Week.

"Between 60 and 75 percent."

So said Nets guard Devin Harris when asked how many NBA players own guns. We learned last week that Arenas owns at least three. We also learned he apparently doesn't like to pay off his gambling debts, which prompted Crittenton to exercise his Second Amendment right to bear arms in an NBA locker room.

This looks like a perfect opportunity for President Obama to promote some more international brotherhood and goodwill.

He could propose a joint U.S.-Russia Asteroid Avoidance project. The Ruskies could provide the scientific knowledge to track Apophis. The NBA could provide the firepower to shoot it down. Just don't put Shaq in charge of telling everyone where to aim or we're all toast.

And now, before I get chest pains and decide to put my health above my work, here's what else happened last week.

Wait, the heck with my family's wishes. I'm going to carry on despite the fact my EKG is flatter than a Shaq free throw.

Sunday

The Jets end the Colts' unbeaten season after Peyton Manning and the entire Indianapolis defense sit out the second half in order to get rusty for the playoffs.

A day after announcing he's resigning due to stress and continuing chest pains, Urban Meyer goes to practice, touches the hem of Tim Tebow's jersey and suddenly feels much better.

Amid growing anxiety, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano goes on the Sunday morning talk shows and says "the system worked" when the Raiders spent $68 million on JaMarcus Russell.

Monday

Texas Tech suspends Mike Leach after he allegedly makes Craig James' son, Adam, spend three hours in a shed watching old tapes of Eric Dickerson doing sideline commentary on Monday Night Football.

In yet another scathing rebuke of the Obama administration, former vice president Dick Cheney says the only thing he misses about Washington D.C., is hanging around the Wizards locker room and exchanging hunting stories with Gilbert Arenas.

A Sturgis, N.D. woman is arrested with a .708 blood alcohol level, breaking the previous record held set by John Daly during a rain delay at the 2008 PODS Championship.

Tuesday

After Randy Moss fails to make the AFC Pro Bowl roster, Patriots teammate Wes Welker says he will honor Moss by jogging his passing routes and appearing disinterested throughout the game.

Mike Leach says that Craig James would regularly show up at practices and demand that Adam James be named president of Texas Tech.

A new Quinnipiac University poll shows 63 percent of college football fans prefer a playoff to the current BCS system as long as Quinnipiac University does not make the championship game.

Wednesday

Shaquille O'Neal gives LeBron James a Rolls Royce for his 25th birthday. In a related move, AT&T gives walking papers to Tiger Woods for his 34th birthday.

Texas Tech fires Mike Leach and replaces him with Adam James.

Rush Limbaugh is hospitalized with chest pains after learning the NFL will no longer allow Bill Belichick to waterboard captured scouts.

Thursday

Four Tennessee basketball players are busted after police stop their car for speeding and find marijuana, an open bottle of alcohol and a gun. Lane Kiffin blames Urban Meyer.

In his year-end address, Pope Benedict says global peace will come only if people save the environment and the NBA installs metal detectors at locker room entrances.

Tired of Brandon Marshall bellyaching about his pulled hamstring, Denver coach Josh McDaniel announces Marshall will spend the rest of the season locked inside a darkened shed at Texas Tech.

Friday

After the 911 tape surfaces, Urban Meyer says he didn't reveal his chest pains and ambulance trip to the hospital because he didn't want anyone to mistake him for Rush Limbaugh.

The Bruins and Flyers sell out the NHL's Winter Classic at Fenway Park, prompting Bud Selig to announce he sees no reason why baseball can't play a 250-game season and play the World Series in January.

Millions of Rose Bowl parade viewers are charmed by a float featuring dogs snowboarding to freedom from Michael Vick.

Saturday

A day after Tim Tebow completed 31 of 35 passes for roughly 95,399 yards in the Sugar Bowl, NFL scouts report Tebow's draft stock plummeted because he didn't play linebacker in the second half.

Washington minority owner Ted Leonsis announces the team will change its name from the Wizards to the Crips.

Memphis police arrest Tyrone Buckley after they catch him drinking a 40-ounce beer while driving backward down a city street with a marijuana plant on the front seat. Tennessee immediately signs Buckley to a basketball scholarship.

This week's guaranteed developments:

Fantasy football season ends with the final NFL games, forcing approximately 213 million Americans to find another way to kill three hours a day at work.

President Obama meets with the heads of the CIA, TSA, FBI, NSA, Homeland Security and State Department and demands they figure out how to prevent any more soccer fans from entering the U.S.

The National Rifle Association names Gilbert Arenas its NBA Player of the Year.