Separate But Equal Bowl Proves It's Time for Equality

By the time the fourth quarter of Boise State-TCU began, I was finished with cursing the BCS monopolists who gave us such a travesty of football justice by putting both TCU and Boise in the same bowl. I'd given up trying to figure out which underdog to root for -- even though TCU was favored they didn't seem like a traditional favorite -- and just settled back in my couch to watch and enjoy the game as best I could.

Even though I wanted to be rooting for TCU and Boise State against a Big Six challenger, I didn't have that opportunity because both teams had been slotted in the separate but equal bowl. As I wrote back when the match-ups were announced, this was a clear attempt to keep a BCS school from an embarrassing beatdown on national television. Nope, better to have the little schools duke it out as a sideshow that offered little in the way of danger for the BCS cartel. Win and one team was still perfect, but they'd just beaten another smaller school. They hadn't stormed the BCS castle and demanded justice.

Even still, this was the non-title game I was most looking forward to watching. Dive in for 20 observations from the televised broadcast of the Fiesta Bowl.

1. The game gets off to a rousing start with an extreme HD close-up of No. 24 for TCU, Brandon Cook (Joesph Turner, the other 24), rushing off the field puking.

How many people in their homes almost vomited after seeing this?

I did.

In fact, if I didn't have an incredibly subdued retch reflex thanks to changing my son's diapers for the past two years, I would have lost it here.

What an opening. The football equivalent of a nude scene in the movie Precious.

2. Remember all that talk from the experts about how no one would want to see these two teams play?

That was wrong. The stadium is packed.

And I'll reiterate the prediction I made when this game was announced, the Fiesta Bowl will be the second highest rated BCS bowl.

Book it.

3. How hot are the TCU cowboy boots and hot pants on the pom girls?

I mean, those girls are all uncomfortably hot no matter what they wear, right? But in those outfits? Good Lord. Each one a 8.5 or better. Collectively, they're smoke jumpers. (i have no idea what smoke jumpers means, aside from the Entourage Vinnie Chase movie, but henceforth it's a term for a collection of extremely hot girls.)

And Fox goes to them time and again as they cheer.

Can you imagine how many people in the northeast are watching this and thinking, everyone of those girls is hotter than anyone in my entire city? Especially now when it's minus-52 degrees outside and been snowing for three months? Every single man, and half the married ones, in the city of Buffalo with a car is probably on his way to Texas right now.

4. Boise State's Brandyn Thompson strikes a blow for every man whose mom put a phantom y in his name and returns an interception 51 yards for a touchdown to give Boise a 7-0 lead.

He needs a dance that incorporates the Y. Or a big tattoo of the letter Y on his bicep.

5. Luke Wilson and these AT&T ads that come on after every commercial break are under-discussed.

If I'd told you that one of the funniest actors of the 2000s would inexplicably hitch his star to a cell phone company, would you have believed me?

Especially after Old School in 2003?

What's Wilson's best role besides Anchorman since that movie? 3:10 to Yuma? A multi-show appearance on That 70's Show?

Basically, who is advising Luke Wilson and why hasn't he fired them?

Also, who even thought to pitch Luke Wilson on being the AT&T spokesperson? I mean, honestly, how many names did they have to hit before they thought to call him? And then how shocked were they when he agreed to participate?

We need more details on this entire process, everyone who sees these commercials has no idea how they happened. I want to see the contract he signed.

How much could it possibly be worth to throw away your career?

6. Ah, I see Fox has decided to debut the upskirt cheerleader cam starring the TCU cheerleaders.

Look, far be it from me to argue against the upskirt cam (especially given my Internet browsing history), but how awkward does this have to look if you're at the game? Some guy with a huge camera is on one knee, probably wearing shorts and knee pads, shooting straight up a cheerleader's skirt?

If you or I do that, we get tackled, put in jail, and charged with a sex crime. But if the FOX guy does it with a huge camera, it's acceptable behavior?

It pains me to say this, but I don't think so.

Anyway, props to FOX for being inventive and giving us the exact opposite moral perspective from the Tebow cam. By Thursday's game, I'm expecting for Fox to go back to Tebow, doubtless already doing ministry work in the Philippines, for a circumcision cam.

7. TCU's Andy Dalton is blindsided by Boise's Kyle Wilson on a corner blitz.

The hit is awful.

What's worse than the hit? Chris Myers reporting from the sideline that, "There's not a scratch on his red head."

As if red-headed men don't already have enough societal distaste to deal with. Hell, Chelsea Handler has made an entire career out of destroying men with red hair. Would Meyers have referenced any other hair color and made any other quarterback sound like he was 9 years old and just fell off his bike?

I don't think so.

So if you're Dalton, you get the crap knocked out of you, and then your hair color gets mocked?

At least the TCU pom squad loves you.

8. Does everyone agree that if you're male and capable of procreation you can't give the horned frog sign?

Yep, once you hit puberty you have to give the sign up. They have horn mitzvahs in Fort Worth. You go out in the backyard and metaphorically bury the horns.

The horned frogs cheer is the emoticon of fan cheering signals. You just can't do it.

9. TCU scores on a perfect pass to make it 10-7 just before the half.

Cameras cut to Myers where he is consoling Dalton for his red hair. "Come on, Big Red," Meyers says, "they have hair dye in Hollywood. Trust me, I know. How do you think my hair hasn't changed in 15 years? You can go dark."

10. Does TCU have the hottest student body on Earth?

Or did the FOX camera crew send 65 cameras to cover this game, 48 of which were to be exclusively focused on finding attractive women?

I'm picturing someone in the control booth saying, "Give me walking hotness."

And think about this, there are only 8,600 students on the entire campus. It's a private school.

Smoke jumpers, I tell you.

11. Boise State's nose tackle, No. 99, Michael Atkinson, is known as Canadian Bacon because he's 6-foot-1, weighs 332 pounds, and is from Windsor, Ontario.

That's the best nickname I've heard in years.

Maybe the best sports nickname ever.

I wish I knew a fat guy from Canada just so I could steal this nickname and pretend I'd come up with it on my own.

12. You want the exact opposite of the TCU pom squad? The girls at Boise State who are wearing some sort of orange latex sheen tops draped over one shoulder, with black choker necklaces.

They also have clear bras that are visible on the other shoulder, the one not draped in orange latex.

They look like party girls from 2084.

13. At long last, snagging offensive momentum, TCU pierces the Boise defense and surges inside the 20.

Boise is on their defensive heels, bedraggled and wiped out for the first time all game, it's time for the flying elbow from TCU to take control of this game once and for all.

So TCU goes for the jugular with ... double quarterback draws?

Seriously, double quarterback draws?

I can maybe see it once, but the double quarterback draw is inexcusable. Although, I would give anything for the transcript of the conversation that led to the double quarterback draw. You know it was grudgingly agreed too. Like when your buddy orders double whiskey shots after all of you are already wasted.

You think, "I don't know about this."

But then you get talked into it. "Come on, man, it's the perfect call. It will take us right over the edge. No more beers, I promise."

Then someone throws up immediately. Ten minutes later, one of your friends is passed out at a table and the other one is making out with one of the girls in the orange latex tops from Boise State.

That was this play call.

Predictably both quarterback draws combine to gain a yard and TCU throws underneath on third-and-nine for three more yards.

Andy Dalton is displaying an uncanny ability to throw two-yard out patterns on third-and-long. You really think those passes might be open? That the Boise defense might want you to throw the ball immediately to the first open receiver you see?

TCU kicks the field goal to tie the game at 10.

15. And then Boise is Boise. Or Chris Petersen is Chris Petersen. What a fake with nine minutes left!

On fourth-and-nine for 29 yards? With your punter throwing the pass in the face of an oncoming rush from your own 33?

Yep, Boise is so exciting they can make me use exclamation points! Petersen is the M. Night Shyamalan of the Fiesta Bowl.

You want a surprise ending? It's his signature move.

Of course it's great for now, but eventually it leads to Lady in the Water.

Anyway Boise scores on the drive to go up 17-10 with 7:21 left. On, of course, a flip into the end zone.

16. Later Boise buries TCU at the 1-yard line and intercepts another Dalton pass to end the game.

But not before Boise fans get very nervous that Dalton might find a way to tie the game.

17. How impressive has Boise's defensive coordinator, Justin Wilcox, been this season with time to prepare for Oregon and TCU?

He's held two of the nation's highest scoring offenses to eight and 10 points respectively. Oregon averaged 36 and TCU averaged 40 against everyone else. Since Oct. 17, TCU had scored 44, 38, 41, 55, 55, 45, and 51 points.

After losing its opener, no one kept Oregon under 24 in the regular season.

That's no coincidence. Boise's staff is pretty awesome, and not just Chris Petersen.

18. Time for some analysis, every offensive starter for Boise is back next year. And they averaged 44 points a game, tops in this nation, this year.

How highly does a team that has only lost one game in two years deserve to be ranked?

I think if Boise isn't ranked in the top four in the preseason, there's no point in having a poll.

In fact, I'd have them second. Right behind Alabama.

19. In the meantime, if I was a Boise player, I would have taken a lesson from Ian Johnson, who memorably ended the Broncos last appearance in the Fiesta Bowl by proposing to a cheerleader.

I'd rush to the TCU pom girls, drop to one knee, and propose to the entire squad.

Whoever said yes, I'd marry them.

After all, proposing on national television is as much of a tradition as Boise winning BCS bowls. And no matter who accepts on the TCU pom squad, you're coming out pretty well.

20. Until then, it's time to stop with Boise State as a sideshow.

They're legit national title contenders. They should have been this year, and the Broncos definitely will be in 2010. They've given the BCS no choice.

Ultimately, the Boise State Broncos are going to buck the BCS.

Until then, we're left with this question: Would Alabama or Texas beat Boise?

I'm not sure.

And, if you're being honest with yourself, neither are you.

I'd bet you 332 pounds of Canadian Bacon on the outcome. If only we could get the game.

Thanks again, BCS.