Despite what Elizabeth the Nanny claims, Jake the Bachelor doesn't know how to throw a football. Of course, that's the least of his worries -- he's got 20 girls trying to marry* him -- but still, how can a grown man not know how to, you know, throw a football?
Turns out, there's a precedent: Philip Rivers. And he's an NFL quarterback! And not just that, he's a Pro Bowl NFL quarterback! (Who, unlike the other two QBs drafted in the first round of the 2004 draft, doesn't own a Super Bowl ring. Or two.)
In any event, board-certified physician Dr. Crackback breaks down each of Jake's four throws and rates them for manliness and whatnot, and, well, the reviews weren't great.
I think this was my favorite observation (throw No. 2, around the 30-second mark): "Winds up and... Oh man, what in the Helen's house was that? Did he just try some kind of sidewinder cross-body swing throw? Who taught him that? And then that goofy little leg whip to finish it? And he missed his target by 5 feet and she had to go chase it. Wow. Ugly."
Yep. Very ugly. Then again, Jake doesn't have Antonio Gates to save him.
* marry = win show, get another reality gig out if it