Blind Item! Which Los Angeles Dodger was spotted canoodling with a pop princess at Italian eatery Il Ristorante di Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica, California? Sources say that the two lovebirds groped their mutual tree branch and didn't stop to come up for air! Someone send out an "SOS!"

Dear God I'm terrible at that. I didn't even get far enough to call Matt Kemp something asinine like "The Heartful Dodger." Anyway, he and "Hard" to listen to Rihanna are a couple. Or they're just good friends. Or he's her "beau." Her "boytoy." She's his "galpal." Hey the next time you see Steve Kmetko walking down the street, kick him in his heart.

Today's Dugout follows.

The Dugout

	EthierOr: I've got to tell you guys, things sure have changed since my wife and I got married.
	EthierOr: Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules!
	GarlandVocalBand: lol this is gonna be classic
	KempAnawana: Andre is about to tell it like it is! He says what we're all thinking!
	EthierOr: Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose!!
	EthierOr: 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
	KempAnawana: lol fa real
	GarlandVocalBand: Why can't women figure this out? I just don't understand women sometimes!
	EthierOr: 1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
	EthierOr: 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
	KempAnawana: man I didn't think you'd have any relationship problems, Andre, your Mormon gymnast wife is pretty hot
	EthierOr: yeah, the awesome sex we are always not having is great
	GarlandVocalBand: I'm going to forward this list of Man's Rules to my girlfriend... she's always busting my chops!
	GarlandVocalBand: I ask her what is wrong, and she says nothing. I'm gonna act like nothing's wrong! I know she's lying, but it's not worth the hassle!
	EthierOr: ain't that a stinker
	GarlandVocalBand: and don't even get me started on how long it takes her to get ready!
	KempAnawana: haha I feel you, my girlfriend takes a long time to get ready too
	KempAnawana: I'm all, "honey I got on my sleeveless shirt and workout pants, let's hurry up and go to the Olive Garden"
	KempAnawana: and she's all "hold on a minute I gotta make my hair look like Roger from Doug"... Roger was the bully on Doug and his hair looked like diagonal bacon
	KempAnawana: so I sit downstairs on the leopard print furniture reading the 250 copies of Us Weekly on her coffee table, waiting patiently, doing my own thing, you know
	KempAnawana: but then I'm hungry so I'm all, "chicken alfredo baby please hurry up we gotta go"
	KempAnawana: and she's all, "sorry I just read about what Lady Gaga wore to the Olive Garden on Pink is the New Blog and now I can't wear any of this"
	KempAnawana: and it's hard to understand her because she just talks through her nose and makes random noises
	KempAnawana: so then she takes an hour and a half to wrap tubing around her legs and squeeze herself into a Victorian style corset and put on a jaunty miniature top hat and paint clouds on her face
	KempAnawana: and by then I have long lost hope for my chicken alfredo extra sauce and rolls, but she has already called photographers so we gotta go out
	KempAnawana: so we drive really fast to the Olive Garden, but she's got on big retro sunglasses and can't see anything and won't shut up, so I have to start punching her in the face
	KempAnawana: but I've got to still drive, so I drive with one hand and punch her like, with like snapping motions with my right hand
	EthierOr: ... wait, you do what
	KempAnawana: I hit her repeatedly in the face. Because she won't shut up, and she may have threatened to bite me. I don't remember. We have a very passionate relationship.
	KempAnawana: What, is that weird?
	EthierOr: yeah dude pretty f***ing weird
	GarlandVocalBand: I, Garland, would knock all of my girlfriends down! But even I wouldn't HIT her, jeez
	KempAnawana: it's okay, we always manage to reunite, thanks to a Vanity Fair cover spread or a teary-eyed Barbara Walters interview.
	EthierOr: She doesn't just break up with you?
	KempAnawana: Nah. She's got at least six songs assuring me that we are "down foreva."
	KempAnawana: but she did say that if I hit her again she would indirectly Tweet about it for several months. But that's only if somebody leaked the pictures.
	KempAnawana: you don't understand my girlfriend. She's Hard. She's like the Barbadian Tammy Wynette. The more you hit her, the harder she gets.
	GarlandVocalBand: that doesn't sound like a Tammy Wynette, that sounds like a Metapod
	EthierOr: does that make Ciara a Caterpie?
	KempAnawana: The trick is to beat your girlfriend, but be handsome. That way you can say you don't understand why it was wrong, and like 45% of people will believe you
	KempAnawana: but dating a pop star is a trip, man, seriously... I recommend it to everybody. In fact, I been hooking Dodgers up with pop stars all Winter
	Online Host Meanwhile, in the First Date Chatroom!
	WordUpThome: HELLO BLIND DATE THIS IS JI
	WordUpThome: JIM THOME
	WordUpThome: I AM A FREE AGENT NOW, BUT AS LONG AS I'M IN THE NATIONAL LEAGUE I THOUGHT I WOULD "PLAY THE FIELD" SO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR SELF
	TheBrownBonnie: Once upon a time there was light in my life. Now there's only love in the dark.
	WordUpThome: OF COURSE THERE IS ONLY LOVE IN THE DARK, WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS MEXICAN RESTAURANT IS, CALIGULA
	WordUpThome: I LIKE YOU, YOU REMIND ME OF ENLARGED MARGE