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The Dugout: Albert Pujols Testifies Before Senate Committee

Jan 18, 2010 – 6:30 PM
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Brandon Stroud

Brandon Stroud %BloggerTitle%

As it turns out, Jose Canseco was right. Everybody who has ever played baseball is or was on steroids. Yep, your hero was on steroids too. So was mine. I'm sure Cal Ripken Jr. made it to some of those consecutive games by shooting something into his butt cheek and Hulking Up. It isn't great, but it's par for the course at this point, and as the announcements become more and more frequent we just have to start being grownups on the Internet about it.

That being said, I don't think that Albert Pujols is on steroids. I also think that he's really as old as he says he is, and that if I wish hard enough a dead fairy can come back to life. Today's Dugout follows.

Oh, and by the way, daily Dugout start back up today. Enjoy, and for God's sakes tell people to get in here and read them.

The Dugout

**Online Host**
Welcome to the 2014 Senate Committee Hearing in Regard to the Use of Performance Enhancing Drugs in Major League Baseball Chatroom!

GoldBond: Please raise your right hand

PujolJunkie: due to the dist-e'bution of mass in my upper body i canno raise my hans higher than e'shoulders
GoldBond: oh, sorry. Do you promise to tell the truth?
PujolJunkie: no
GoldBond: /looks over for approval
bud_is_wiser: /makes "allow it" gesture

GoldBond: all right, well... /fumbles through index cards with MLB logo on back

Could you please state your name for the record?

PujolJunkie: José Alberto "Stymie" Pujols Alcántara.
GoldBond: have you at any point during your career have you been given or have you knowingly taken performance enhancing drugs of any kind?
PujolJunkie: i am not here to talk about e'past
PujolJunkie: but please, ask me any question abou anything that have happen in my life before this moment
GoldBond: What is your relationship to Mark McGwire?
PujolJunkie: mar magwire became e'saint louis cardinal hitting coach in e'2010 season
GoldBond: 2010 was also the year that Mr. McGwire finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs himself, was it not?
PujolJunkie: that is e'correct
GoldBond: now according to your Twitter archive...
**Online Host**
Note: in 2014, "Twitter" is the only thing that can be used as evidence in a court room per their advertising agreement, and whatever you say on Twitter goes into the permanent record as fact
GoldBond: according to your Twitter, "posted 4 years and six hours ago," you were "proud of him for making the disclosure" and that you "looked forward to working with Big Mac in Spring Training"

PujolJunkie: /leans in

to be clear that last comment was tweetered when i was so hungry

GoldBond: How old were you when these comments were made?
PujolJunkie: e'thirty years old
GoldBond: And how old are you now?
PujolJunkie: e'thirty years old
GoldBond: How did the 2010 season end up going for you and your delicious Big Mac?
PujolJunkie: pretty good at firs, e'cardinals play good but inconsistent ball and are in secon play in June
PujolJunkie: that is when e'coach magwire inject francisco samuel with an expere'mental neurotoxin that cause him to grow several times his normal size
GoldBond: To increase his muscle mass and bulk him up for the longrun of the season?
PujolJunkie: no to turn him into e'rampaging kaiju, more monster than man
PujolJunkie: because of this the cardinals finish fourth in e'division and colby rasmus was torn asunder in francisco's mighty jaw, but the country pulled together in times of adversity and that was e'pretty special
PujolJunkie: this is also when e'bod selig was name "commissioner of beisbol for life" for his contr-e'butions
GoldBond: and what were your contributions, Mr. Selig?

bud_is_wiser: /leans in

absolutely nothing

GoldBond: During this time did Mr. McGwire try to inject YOU with any experiemental neurotoxins?
PujolJunkie: no, never, e'period /points dramatically
GoldBond: And why is that?
PujolJunkie: because i had already been doing e'steroids for e'fifteen years, the good kinds that make me good at beisbol
GoldBond: Wait, really? What was the reaction of your head coach?
LaRussasOnFire: hey now, i ain see sh**
GoldBond: well this changes everything

PujolJunkie: what are you, estúpido

of course i do steroids have you ever seen how far i can hit e'beisbol, it doesn't make me any less likeable

GoldBond: but you said that you had never knowingly taken performance enhancing substances!
PujolJunkie: pssh i don't take e'steroids to enhance my performance, my performance is awesome already, i am pretty much e'best hitter in history
PujolJunkie: i take them to look like e'dominican bill goldberg
GoldBond: yeah, but steroids are still performance enhancing drugs, and if you-
bud_is_wiser: excuse me, but the last time I checked there was a stuffy old 85-year old white guy in the Oval Office again and that means you have to shut up and let me do whatever I want
bud_is_wiser: I'm late for my 7 o'clock appointment
GoldBond: for what
bud_is_wiser: injecting my triple-A all-stars with polar bear semen and teaching them how to go into rage blackouts and Polish Hammer their loved ones to death
GoldBond: do you do this kind of thing, Albert?
PujolJunkie: no, e'polar bear semen doesn't work unless you take it directly
PujolJunkie: oh you meant beating my wife, e'ha ha no i do not do that, if i hit e'woman she would evaporate into dusts
GoldBond: uhh...
PujolJunkie: my left arm is starting to deflate, so i gotta go, but here /pulls out tape recorder, pushes "record"
PujolJunkie: "i do not do any steroids," okay see you guys again in a few years /tosses tape to government
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