Week in Review: The Addiction Edition

Excuses, excuses.

They were everywhere last week, which gives me an excuse to pose the question:

Does anybody take responsibility any more, or is everything written off as an "addiction?"

Case in point: The National Enquirer posted a photo of Tiger Woods at a sexual-addiction clinic in Mississippi. It was either Woods or the Loch Ness Monster wearing a hooded sweater. Since Nessie hasn't been attacked by a 9-iron-wielding wife lately, we'll assume it's Tiger.

I'm not a doctor, nor have I ever played one on TV. And I know some poor saps spend 23 hours a day perusing goat-porn Web sites. But come on, "sexual addiction?"

I'd like to fish seven days a week and continually fantasize about catching a 13-pound bass. Maybe I should check into a fishing-addiction clinic.

It sounds as if Tiger's setting himself up to go on Oprah and say, "See, it wasn't my fault I was spending $60,000 a night on hookers. My brain was wired that way." His lawyers will then sue AT&T, Accenture and all those other companies for dropping a helpless endorser.

I hope that's not the case, but it would certainly follow our modern ethos (and yes, I'm addicted to using words like "ethos" to sound erudite). Which brings us to the Quote of the Week:

"The Evil Witch defeated Geoana."

So said a commentary in the Evenimentul Zilei, which you probably don't subscribe to. It's one of Romania's leading papers, so it must be taken seriously when it questions whether President Traian Basescu hired a parapsychologist to launch a "negative energy attack" on rival Mircea Geoana.

Geoana claims the mental chicanery cost him the recent election. That's the lamest excuse I've heard since, well, last Tuesday night when Barack Obama blamed parapsychologist George Bush for the Democrat party's loss of the Massachusetts Senate seat.

You knew the Democrats were groping when they made fun of winner Scott Brown for driving a truck and claimed Curt Schilling was a Yankees fan. But in the interest of keeping this column fair and balanced:

BUSH LIED!

There, where were we? Oh yeah, copouts.

As part of his upcoming BET reality series, Michael Vick visited the graves of his canine victims last week. Please tell me he's not going to attribute the genocide to an uncontrollable "dogfighting addiction."

Oddly enough, guess who showed some real responsibility last week? France.

The country that once lost a war to Greenpeace announced that seriously overweight flyers will be charged for two seats when they fly Air France. In other words, you will no longer have to worry that Haystack Calhoun's love handles will smush you against the fuselage for the entire flight from Atlanta to Paris.

Now, before I get sued for libel by Fat Sex Addicts Anonymous, here's some of what you may have missed last week.
Sunday

At the Golden Globe Awards, Wade Phillips and Norv Turner shared the award for Most Likely to Have Incriminating Photos of Their Bosses.

USC women's basketball coach Michael Cooper says (expletive) UCLA during a postgame news conference. Not to be outdone, USC football coach Lane Kiffin says UCLA is supplying weapons-grade plutonium to Iran and accuses Rick Neuheisel of being the second gunman at Dealey Plaza.

In his first appearance since admitting steroid use, Mark McGwire tells cheering fans that he would have hit 1,000 home runs if he hadn't had to take steroids for "health purposes."

Monday

BET defends its decision to start airing The Michael Vick Project in two weeks, saying his story deserves a realty show. In related news, David and Victoria Beckham reportedly spend $3,300 to have their bulldog puppy, K9, flown first class from London to Los Angeles. The Beckhams say they would have bought K9 a coach ticket but the only seat available was next to Vick.

A goat smashes in the doors of a strip club in Palm Springs, causing $2,000 damage. An agent for the goat blames the incident on his client's "sexual addiction."

Saudi Arabian authorities shut down an "illegal" women's fitness center but says females are welcome to swim laps in the men's pool as long as they wear one of the new Speedo burkas.

Tuesday

During his victory speech, Senator-elect Scott Brown says his two daughters are "available." Tiger Woods immediately sends a text message offering his services to the Brown transition team.

A California man pleads guilty to transporting 14 tons of marijuana in the back of a semi truck. He refused to divulge his destination but authorities found "NBA All-Star Weekend" on a crumpled work order in the glove box.

A Georgia woman forces her 12-year-old son to kill his pet hamster with a hammer after he gets a bad grade. Police immediately arrest her, noting that if college football coaches did that with their players the hamster would be extinct.

Wednesday

The All-American Basketball Alliance, an all-white league, announces plans to start this summer. Commissioner Don "Moose" Lewis says the league's All-Star Weekend will probably be held in David Duke's driveway and will not feature a dunk contest.

Former vice presidential nominee John Edwards admits that Tiger Woods is the father of his mistress's baby.

On the eve of his first day at work, America's first legal gigolo -- identified only as "Markus" -- compares his trailblazing ways to Rosa Parks. Inspired by his bravery, male prostitutes nationwide start refusing to sit in the back of city buses.

Thursday

Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell is named King of Mardi Gras in Mobile, Ala., thus becoming the only current king capable of overthrowing an entire country.

This week's Make Up Your Own Tiger Joke entry: In the midst of a brutal winter, Holiday Inns in Britain introduce human bed warmers to heat up guests' beds.

Following the "folk theme" directive from the International Skating Union, a Russian ice dancing team dresses as Aborigines, wearing brown face and tribal paint at a European meet. Despite protests of cultural insensitivity, Judge Al Jolson IV gives the performance a 9.4.

Friday

A New York dairy farmer shoots 51 cows before turning the gun on himself and committing suicide. BET immediately announces it hopes to buy the farmer's corpse and give it a weekly reality show.

Bristol Palin tells Oprah Winfrey that she's swearing off pre-marital sex, raising speculation that Tiger Woods will go on Oprah and tearfully announce he's giving up post-marital sex.

NBC pays Conan O'Brien $32 million to sit on his butt and not do anything, which immediately makes him eligible to join the Major League Players Association.

Saturday

Oakland reportedly decides to retain Tom Cable for next season but will no longer pay him a bonus for punching assistant coaches.

In his first public statements since the Sugar Bowl, Urban Meyer says he plans on taking a leave of absence between 4:09 a.m. and 4:17 a.m. on June 24, 2029.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie reportedly split after she insists on adopting the Memphis Grizzlies.

This week's guaranteed developments:

Details magazine will run a clarification stating that "Markus" is actually America's first gigolo who doesn't have PGA Tour privileges.

The TSA will arrest an Air France flight crew for forcing a terrorist carrying 1,000 pounds of explosives in his underwear to buy two seats on a flight from Copenhagen to Detroit.

In his State of the Union Address, President Obama will make fun of the drivers in the NASCAR truck series.