Opinion: A State of the Union We'd Really Like to See

From: Dave George
To: Barack Obama
Subject: SOTU speech

Dear Mr. President:

I know you're busy getting ready for tonight's big State of the Union address -- your first one! -- but I wanted to send you a quick note of encouragement. And some advice. I know, I know, you didn't ask for it, and technically speaking, we don't really "know each other." But indulge me.

I hear that you really, really want to reach the average middle-class American with your message tonight. Well, I'm about as average as you can get. Did a stint in the Army. Make OK money, but struggle sometimes. I'm a first-time homeowner as of March 2008. I know what it's like to be unemployed (eight times and counting). And I want my government to mostly leave me alone -- except when I need its help.

So trust me, if you really want to reach the guy or gal out there in the sticks, I think you'd do well to include some of these things in your talk:

Open with a video spoof of the Domino's Pizza commercial where you admit that your first year kinda sucked, but you've heard from your "customers" and now you're fixing it.
Then announce that if Republicans participate in at least three of the 50 standing ovations, Domino's Pizza will give all Americans a free medium one-topping pizza.
Invite Jay and Conan over for beers to "work stuff out."
Acknowledge that you're pre-empting "American Idol" and make Biden sing some Mariah.
Pause in the middle of a sentence and adopt a Haitian baby.
Acknowledge that not everything we're seeing right now is Bush's fault.
Give a shout-out to the folks in homes and pubs across the country who are playing the drinking game where every time you say "Let me be clear," they have to do a shot.
And how about a scrolling "ticker" at the bottom of the screen of all the tweets commenting on your speech?
Ask at some point in the speech if Joe Wilson has any comments to make.
Bang your shoe on the lectern. (How awesome would that be?!)
Admit that you have a "teleprompter problem" and that you're joining a 12-step how-to-speak-from-the-heart group. (Don't forget to look away from the teleprompter when you deliver this line!)
Ask Michelle to wear sleeves. (C'mon, it's Congress ... and winter.)
Finally, if you find yourself getting nervous, just imagine your audience in their underwear -- but do not look over at Sen. Robert Byrd!

Oh, and one more thing. We'd like to see all of this in the first 30 minutes. (We don't really watch these things 'til the end.)

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Anyhoo, hope this helps.

Talk to you soon, I hope!

Patriotically,

Dave

P.S.: Wear the red tie tonight. That's a power color.
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Dave George is a social media marketer by day and a stand-up comedian by night. You can follow him on Twitter -- @DaveGeorge_DC.