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Jason Giambi, pictured right, is making the same face I made when I found out that the Colorado Rockies are close to bringing back Jason Giambi as a pinch hitter. Giambi is just the youthful solution the Rockies need to assist aging first baseman Todd Helton. Apparently, Giambi's 2009 season of no hits in one at bat for Colorado gave them the idea that a 40-year old with an OPS+ of negative sixty-thousand would help them win the NL West. Regardless, Giambi is on his way back to the Majors, and what better way to celebrate than to equate him to Bible stories. Hooray! Today's Dugout is below.
The Dugout
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LongLiveGiambi: /does steroids |
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LongLiveGiambi: f**k you baseball who needs you, I'm Jason friggin Giambi, I was good f**ken... SOMETIME in the past |
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LongLiveGiambi: I don't need your "one year contract"... I'll go play for the DSA! They'll let me do whatever the hell I please! |
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LongLiveGiambi: /stumbles down road to the Damascus Baseball and Softball League trying to jab self in ass with Body Fortress fruit punch creatine |
| **Online Host** Suddenly, a great light from the sky flashes and knocks LongLiveGiambi to the ground. |
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LongLiveGiambi: AHHHHH /falls down |
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TheGreatIM: Jason, Jason, why do you persecute me? |
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LongLiveGiambi: Who are you, Lord? |
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TheGreatIM: uh, you called me "lord" so don't you already know who I am? Or are you trying to figure out if I'm the holy ghost of whatever |
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LongLiveGiambi: No, I mean, who are you? /shields eyes from light argh where are my wraparound sunglasses when I need them |
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TheGreatIM: I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting, |
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LongLiveGiambi: I believe you, because only a 2,000 year old man could use "whom" properly in a chatroom |
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LongLiveGiambi: wait hold on, how am I persecuting Jesus? Is it the tattoos? Because I was led to believe that entire sections of Leviticus were just horsesh** |
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TheGreatIM: please try to use "poop" intead of "sh**" in the presence of Christ |
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LongLiveGiambi: sorry |
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TheGreatIM: but for real though, you are persecuting me in all kinds of ways |
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TheGreatIM: Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? |
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LongLiveGiambi: I'm sorry, I thought it would be okay for my temple to look like one of the Goombas from the Super Mario Brothers movie |
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LongLiveGiambi: should I stop eating nothing but philly cheese steaks extra bread and stop drinking nothing but guinness swirled together with shamrock shake? |
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TheGreatIM: among other things, yes |
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LongLiveGiambi: oh, wait /looks at syringe in hand I'm sorry for doing steroids! Oh whew that was a close one, thank goodness now I am completely forgiving for having done that |
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TheGreatIM: yeah unfortunately that's pretty much how I work, it's weird |
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LongLiveGiambi: You do? I was talking about Major League Baseball |
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TheGreatIM: ugh why did I make you |
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LongLiveGiambi: I didn't think you did, I thought God made me. Like, God the Father |
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TheGreatIM: we're all basically the same guy... Heaven is a lot like the Boston Red Sox in that regard |
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LongLiveGiambi: /shrug |
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TheGreatIM: The greater point I'm trying to make by blinding you in the desert is that I have given you a gift... sort of, and you are wasting it sort of |
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TheGreatIM: Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do. |
| **Online Host** Three days later in the Colorado Rockies Chatroom! |
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LongLiveGiambi: ... and then I was led into Denver, where an MLB doctor "healed by blindness," and now I'm ready to play for your team again |
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BarmesAway: oh, okay, that sounds... I uh, have to ask my manager first |
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LongLiveGiambi: No, that's cool. Tell him that I'm here to do God's work on Earth. |
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LongLiveGiambi: also, I don't want to be called "Jason" anymore. Now I shall be called "Jeremy." |
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BarmesAway: ok |
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BarmesAway: MR. TRACY! DO YOU WANT JEREMY GIAMBI ON YOUR TEAM |
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TracyTakesOn: lol no |
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TracyTakesOn: hahaha why would you even ask me that |
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