Week in Review: Where Is Dwight Freeney's Ankle?

MIAMI – It's almost kickoff. Do you know where Dwight Freeney's ankle is?

It's usually hard to pick out the one preeminent story of a week. But Super Bowl Week is always preeminent, and the big story was ... well, there wasn't one. That's usually the case at the Super Bowl, where 9,352 of the world's leading journalists converge looking for news.

Unfortunately, Super Bowl Weeks are invariably news-free unless a player tries to pick up an undercover vice cop and make her appear in a pro-life commercial. Nature and ESPN abhor a vacuum, however, so some issue will get more publicity than Lady Di's funeral.

This year's winner was Freeney's ankle. It's an important part of a key player, but you'd have thought the planet's future was riding on the status of Freeney's torn ligaments.

Which it does, of course. I just spent 12 hours staking out a South Beach nightclub where Freeney's ankle was supposedly seen partying with Jay-Z and Warren Sapp's girlfriend. That brings us to our Quote of the Week.

"It's literally like he's on a vigil."

So said Dr. David Dosa, a geriatrician at Brown University. He was talking about Oscar, a cat with a spooky ability to predict death.

Oscar lives at a rehabilitation facility in Providence, R.I. He'll only visit patients who are on the verge of dying.

No joke. Dosa has been tracking Oscar for years and wrote about him in the New England Journal of Medicine. Dosa has no explanation for Oscar's ability, but the staff now uses the cat as sort of a Jimmy the Greek of Death.

Which brings us to Quote of the Week II: "And the Oscar nomination for ... Dear God, get that cat away from me!"

The Academy Award nominees were announced last week. In an attempt to gin up interest, the academy has become the NBA. It expanded the Best Picture category from five to 10 nominees, which is like 16 of 30 teams making the playoffs or Dwayne Schintzius winning the Oscar for Best Actor.

It's the most ridiculous thing since USC got a verbal commitment from a 13-year-old quarterback. We knew Lane Kiffin would make his mark on National Signing Day, but who knew future Trojans would be using crayons?

Here's what else went on this week:
Sunday

The NFC wins the Pro Bowl. Or maybe it was the AFC.

Kentucky guard John Wall says he doesn't listen to John Calipari except when he's being told where to pick up envelopes stuffed with cash.

The NFL Network will begin its Super Bowl XLV Pregame Show live from Cowboys Stadium.

Monday

Kobe Bryant passes Jerry West to become the Lakers' all-time leading scorer. Historians quickly note that West did not have the advantage of 3-point shots, and Wilt Chamberlain did not have the advantage of Match.com.

Barack Obama unveils a $3.83 trillion budget, the largest fiscal outlay since the 2009 Yankees payroll.

Michael Vick says he's a "Top-10" quarterback, making him the first athlete to appear on both the NFL's and FBI's Most Wanted lists.

Tuesday

Chris Mortensen reports that Dwight Freeney's ankle has been sleeping in an oxygen chamber with the Elephant Man's bones.

Scott McCarron says he did not mean to call Phil Mickelson a "cheater" for using a 20-year-old wedge. In related news, Jesper Parnevik says he did mean to call Tiger Woods a "cheater" for using 20-year-old waitresses.

Punxsutawney Phil comes out of his hole, sees Oscar the Cat and drops dead.

Wednesday

After Florida signs the No.1 recruiting class, Urban Meyer announces he plans to take a three-minute leave of absence to use the bathroom.

"Singer" and PETA activist Pink calls Prince William "a redneck from the South" for supporting fox hunting and painting a black No. 3 on the side of his mother's carriage.

Dwight Freeney's ankle moons a helicopter that's hovering over the Colts' practice field.

Thursday

In honor of the Saints, a Louisiana animal shelter offers half-priced adoptions for all black and tan/yellow/gold animals. Duly inspired, Archie Manning offers to father another child and let the Raiders adopt him.

Dwight Freeney's ankle guarantees the Jets will win Super Bowl III.

Friday

A day after a woman filed a civil suit alleging he sexually assaulted her in 2007, Michael Irvin files a $100 million counter suit accusing the woman of "attempting to destroy the hard-earned reputation and career of a highly acclaimed sports broadcaster." Why Irvin thinks the woman is out to destroy Bob Costas remains unclear.

Peter King reports that Dwight Freeney's ankle has checked into a sexual rehabilitation clinic in Mississippi.

At his annual State of the League Address, Roger Goodell says the NFL will ban the forward pass next season in order to improve Tim Tebow's draft position.

Saturday

China announces it is deputizing 60 mothers to form a "Mom jury" and surf the Internet for porn sites deemed indecent for young web users. Among the first sites reportedly banned are Playboy.com, Maxim.com and the USC football Web site.

This Week's Make Up Your Own Tiger Joke entry: A Wisconsin woman is sentenced to a year's probation after she ties up her cheating boyfriend and glues his penis to his stomach.

Danica Patrick enters her first NASCAR event and accidentally runs over Dwight Freeney's ankle.

This week's guaranteed developments:

The New Jersey Nets name Oscar the Cat their new head coach.

Tiger Woods files for bankruptcy after buying Valentine's Day cards for all the women in his life.

After meeting with Dwight Freeney's ankle, Indianapolis general manager Bill Polian decides to hold the team's starters out of the Super Bowl in order to have them healthy for April mini-camp.