NBC Dances in Hockey Hell

Admit it, you've had a sneaking suspicion all along that many of the Winter Olympic events aren't really sports. Sure, they're pleasing to watch on television, but is snowboarding, a sport that didn't exist until the 1970s, really worthy of an Olympic medal? Or is it just a sport that we Americans created so we could dominate other countries and increase television ratings in the process? And while you might like the luge, does the two-man luge really change the sport that much? Do we really need to keep coming up with ways to send more people down hills in lycra suits?

But for the first week, you could bite your tongue and accept the Winter Olympics. Sure, if you're anything like me, you might have found yourself staring at NBC reporters sitting in front of a roaring fire and thought -- what in the hell is going on here?-- but you could at least see the sports you wanted in HD. Then NBC made a boneheaded scheduling decision that will echo through the Olympic ages: Instead of showing the United States vs. Canada hockey game on its main television network it put on, wait for it, ice dancing.

Ice dancing!

In HD.

Instead of hockey. I swear, you can't even make this stuff up.

All over the country, hockey fans exploded with indignation. I know, because my house is stocked with visiting Michiganders this week. As the start of the USA-Canada game grew closer, my wife's family, grew increasingly excited. For months, hockey fans had been waiting for an epic tilt like this, Canada's talent-laden gold medal hopefuls against the talented American spoilers.

A test for hockey superiority on the grandest stage of all.

Come time for the game, we flipped on NBC to watch hockey.

No dice.

A frantic remote control search ensued for the game, until we ended up on an non-HD MSNBC. My family was shocked, the epic tilt of hockey teams, a game that reprized the timeless theme of 1980 hockey, and it wasn't on in HD? Surely, this was an error that would be remedied in short order. NBC couldn't possibly be ignoring this game for ice dancing could it? That decision would boggle the mind, replacing an epic contest between two countries for a "sport" that everyone knows is not actually a sport.

After all, ice dancing is complicated. Basically, you dance on ice while occasionally wearing ridiculous themed outfits that are borderline insulting -- Indian costume anyone? Judges sit and score how well the tandems dance together. As sports go, well, let's be clear, this is not a sport. Imagine the outrage if I started a campaign to get rollerskating dancing added to the Summer Olympics. How about ballroom dancing? Cheerleading? I'd be laughed out of the room by the International Olympic Committee. And that laughter would be justified. But put French people on skates and let them dress up as dancing cowboys -- honestly, the French infatuation with the American west remains inexplicable -- and, voila, it's the sport of queens.



A sport that has to be in HD on prime time.

Meanwhile, on MSNBC, a station that many sports fans aren't even aware exists, the USA played Canada in a massively entertaining hockey game. Which is the better sports story? It's no-contest, right? The hockey game wins in a landslide, a blizzard. But, and here's why these winter Olympics are a sporting sham, which one is more likely to draw television ratings from non-sports fans? Sadly, it's the show that is ice dancing. So here's what you get, the people at NBC valuing television ratings for a non-sport over television ratings for an actual sport.

And actual American sports fans lose out.

And if you're truly a sports fan, that's why you have to view the Winter Olympics with trepidation, the actual sports are secondary. Ice dancing has existed since 1952, and it has only been a Winter Olympic sport since 1976. Most Winter Olympic sports that get major television coverage aren't actually sports in the traditional sense, they're manufactured shows to make television networks happy. Hell, ultimate frisbee has existed longer than snowboarding or ice dancing. So has frisbee golf. Are any of these sports coming to the Summer Olympics?

No.

So as the United States withstood furious attack after furious attack -- Canada would zip 45 shots at American goalie Ryan Miller while the United States mustered 23 -- Americans sat and watched ballroom dancing on ice. And here's where the ultimate indictment of NBC comes, as the game remained competitive, NBC didn't break into the ice dancing and bring us the hockey game.

Would this have been impossible?

Hardly.

Especially with the hockey intermissions when NBC could have left the game to update all the daft ice dancing fans. It would have taken 15 seconds to relegate ice dancing to MSNBC. Of course, it would have been more appropriate to put it on BRAVO -- the Real Ice Dancers of Phoenix -- from the start, but that's another story.

Even if you're NBC and you don't want to cut in before the third period, you still have plenty of time to bring us the third period, to set the scene for the frenzied finale of what was rapidly becoming the story of the games. Especially considering this was not just a story about the Americans winning, it was also a story about the pressure-packed, homestanding Canadian team losing. Instead, NBC stuck with ice dancing until the final 30 seconds or so of the hockey game.

And let's be clear, this wasn't even the medal round for ice dancing. It was just the first two programs of a three-program event.

Let me repeat that, nothing was decided in ice dancing Sunday night ... they didn't even award a medal!

It's a two-day, made-for-television show, and there is another whole night of prime time ice dancing before anything is decided. So for those who point to the fact that this was a preliminary game between the USA and Canada, you're correct, but ice dancing wasn't being performed to conclusion either.

As the red-sweatered Canadian fans filed out of the arena, their team having lost, 5-3, to the Americans, the nation to the north went into mourning. Meanwhile, the nation to the south of Canada watched foreign dancers gyrate to old American tunes. Ultimately, NBC's decision to go with ice dancing over hockey provided the perfect satire of the Winter Olympics, the show consuming the actual sports.

"Well, we beat Canada," said my father-in-law, a lifelong hockey fan, clapping his hands together. "But only people with MSNBC know it."

Thanks to NBC at least we all know what Moldovan folk music sounds like.