As someone who recently moved from the AL Central to a comfortable new home at the very bottom of the NL East, I like to keep track of what the Tribe, White Sox, Twins, and whatever other teams are in that division. One of those teams is the Detroit Tigers, and boy, is there a lot going on. Skipper Jim Leyland isn't going to be allowed to sneak smoke breaks in the dugout anymore. Joel Zumaya is coming back from the near-comatose state he found himself in after getting to Andrew Ryan's office in Bioshock, Justin Verlander is going to start on opening day, Brandon Inge is being repositioned as second shortstop... everything is changing in Detroit, and with the season approaching it's crunch time!

It's not really "crunch time," I don't know what that means. But the Tigers are doing stuff, and the job of The Dugout is to facetiously report to you when people are doing stuff. Tonight's Dugout follows.

The Dugout

	DirtKnapp: C'mon, skip, it ain't so bad.
	GotMeOnMyKnees: you don't understand you don't understand YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND you don't understand /fidgets, paces around clubhouse
	GotMeOnMyKnees: I stepped in a pile of dog sh** on the way over here today, how much chai tea you think I'd have to pour on it to get it to taste like a menthol cigarette
	DirtKnapp: look, the average time of a game is 2 hours 54 minutes... you can't go 2 hours 54 minutes without a cigarette?
	DirtKnapp: it's your job, you shouldn't be able to do that during your job anyway, I don't get eat a meatball sub and masturbate breaks
	GotMeOnMyKnees: if I had a head like yours I wouldn't be able to go five seconds without a cigarette, you look like a f**king Olmec
	GotMeOnMyKnees: now why don't you go buy me a pack of smokes before your face gets any fatter and redder
	DirtKnapp: aw don't be that way, skip, I know you don't mean it. It's just the withdrawal talking!
	GotMeOnMyKnees: /turns away, scoops hands, pretends like nobody is watching
	DirtKnapp: what're... /leans in What're you doing over there, skip?
	GotMeOnMyKnees: me nothing you aren't noticing anything /puts face into hands
	DirtKnapp: That's gonna be illegal! You gotta stop doing that, besides, smoking is... /gets closer look the hell?
	GotMeOnMyKnees: ahhhhhh my wife got me this bonsai tree to help me calm my nerves, and I thought I'd get more out of it if I set it on fire and snorted it up my f**king nose
	DirtKnapp: I uh, don't think that's how you're supposed to use a bonsai tree, skip
	GotMeOnMyKnees: I WILL GIVE YOU EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS IF YOU BUY ME A PACK OF CIGARETTES
	DirtKnapp: can't do it, skip, morally impertinent
	GotMeOnMyKnees: I WILL GIVE JOEL ZUMAYA EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS IF HE BUYS ME A PACK OF CIGARETTES
	ZumayaMyLord: sweet, give that to me in Munny and you've got yourself a deal
	GotMeOnMyKnees: Dollars IS money, I'm giving you dollars of money
	ZumayaMyLord: No, not money, munny. They look like little yellow and blue nerf balls. You get them from killing Heartless.
	GotMeOnMyKnees: the f**k are you talking about bad news brown, I'm offering to give you dollars of god damn money
	ZumayaMyLord: GP? Kremkoins? How about Adam, can you give it to me in injectable Adam?
	GotMeOnMyKnees: like a... like a man?
	ZumayaMyLord: Gil?
	GotMeOnMyKnees: Rick, what the hell is this kid talking about, and why does he want me to give him part of a fish's head
	DirtKnapp: I don't know, skip, yesterday he asked me if he could have some "rings"
	DirtKnapp: I reminded him that he plays for the Tigers, and that he shouldn't be expecting us to get rings any time soon
	ZumayaMyLord: sorry, I am under the age of 30, so my one hobby is the only thing I know or can talk about
	GotMeOnMyKnees: What about Verlander? Get Verlander to do it!
	DirtKnapp: I already tried, Justin is demanding more money to run to the store for the smokes
	GotMeOnMyKnees: Dontrelle Willis!
	GotMeOnMyKnees: We can't rely on him to get back from the store with the smokes intact, sometimes he can do it, most times he can't
	GotMeOnMyKnees: BRANDON INGE
	GotMeOnMyKnees: he never takes a walk
	GotMeOnMyKnees: AHHH I AM GOING TO BURN COMERICA PARK TO THE GROUND IF SOMEBODY DOESN'T RUN TO THE STORE
	ADamonApproaches: i'll go doowit
	GotMeOnMyKnees: oh really
	GotMeOnMyKnees: Don't listen to him, skip, he's going to run straight into the wall and keep all your money!
	ADamonApproaches: naw man i'll go doowit you jus keep me awound for times like this okay johnny damon wants to be a tiger
	GotMeOnMyKnees: sh**, why not
	GotMeOnMyKnees: and hey, you're a name I recognize, so maybe if you hit .260 this season we'll see about getting you into the All-Star game