Junior and Danica Provide Feud for Thought ... and Not Much Else

The biggest story in racing is spinning out. That became apparent Wednesday when it made the National Enquirer.

No, it wasn't "Lindsay Lohan Confessions" or "Why Jon Gosselin hates Hailey Glassman's guts." Joining those headlines was this grab for attention:

Dale Jr. & Danica NASCAR War.

"Dale is livid at Danica for talking trash about him behind his back," revealed a source. "He's feeling he's giving her entrance into the NASCAR world and teaching her his tricks -- and she's saying how she can beat him."

Just because it's in the Enquirer doesn't mean it's not true. The paper was just nominated for a Pulitzer Prize for its investigation into John Edwards' zipper problems. Inquiring minds now want to know whether Dale Earnhardt Jr. hates Danica Patrick's guts.

According to the usual unnamed sources, insiders, friends and pit-crew observers, the answer is yes. Believe them if you want, but the story behind the story is the real story.

What do celebrities do when they can't really do anything?

They get attention the new-fashioned way. They concoct it.

The strategy is not really new. It's just more pervasive in our reality-show culture, where you could win a Pulitzer Prize for uncovering what exactly Paris Hilton ever did to become famous.

I'll personally award you one of my Pulitzers if you can find a Kardashian who can excel at anything besides self-promotion. The tabloid template was bound to find its way to NASCAR's biggest stars, since they can't gain fame the old-fashioned way.

Dale Jr. has parlayed being Dale Sr.'s son into a $30-million-a-year business. Imagine what he'd make if he actually won a race. Paris Patrick has turned a mediocre Indy-car career into a cheesecake conglomerate.

It's not that either driver is a complete fraud. It's just that if Patrick hadn't been born a cutie and Earnhardt hadn't been born an Earnhardt, they'd be racing go karts at the Pahokee Speedway.

Like Britney and Kevin Federline, they were destined to be together. When Li'l E hired Danica for his racing team, the nuptials were attended by 2,409 reporters and a GoDaddy.com film crew.

The first stop in Daytona was a honeymoon. Danica was gaining ground and experience before she wrecked in her Nationwide race debut. Finishing 35th was good enough to get her guest shots with Ellen DeGeneres and Jimmy Kimmel.

Meanwhile, Dale Jr. finished second in the Daytona 500, which probably earned him an extra $5 million in endorsements.

Problem is Daytona isn't the real racing world. With its high banks and restrictor plates, the key is mainly to avoid a crash and mount a late charge.

Last week's racing in Fontana, Calif., was a much better predictor. Instead of just hanging around, drivers actually had to drive the two-mile track.

Patrick finished a frustrated 31st, three laps behind the winner. If this were baseball, she would be reassigned to the Appalachian rookie league.

Not to be out-frustrated, Earnhardt finished 32nd in the Auto Club 500. That gives him one win in his last 74 races. If the Hendrick team were the Beatles, Li'l E would be Pete Best.

"What can you do?" he mused afterward. "You just go home."

Then maybe you have someone call the Enquirer and plant a story. I'm not saying that definitely happened. But if it didn't, Earnhardt should get a new PR team.

Feuds always sell, though Joe Frazier would be insulted if he read about this one. Ali-Frazier, now that was a feud. So was Al Davis vs. Pete Rozelle, Kobe vs. Shaq and Nancy vs. Tonya.

Not only did the rivals really dislike each other, they could back up their rivalry with an actual resume. This is like Carrot Top and Nicole Richie arguing over who is the finer thespian.

The closest it would come to an actual sports feud is George Steinbrenner vs. Billy Martin. The Boss wanted to win, but he also needed the Yankees to dominate the back page of the New York City tabloids.
Patrick is taking a four-month NASCAR hiatus after this weekend. They want us to keep talking about her somehow. What better way than to crank up the Enquirer's Scandal Machine?

In the coming weeks, expect unnamed sources to say Earnhardt has moved out of the garage and wants a divorce from Danica. Maybe paparazzi will catch him sharing a few dozen cheeseburgers with Kirstie Alley.

Meanwhile, Danica will start giving Kato Kaelin private driving lessons. They'll round up the usual psychics to weigh in. Is Uri Geller still alive?

If nothing else, this NASCAR War might keep you entertained in the checkout lane. But once you pay for your groceries, inquiring minds still want to know:

Will Danica and Dale Jr. ever do anything to deserve so much attention?