The Dugout Spring Training 2010 closes out the NL West today with the Arizona Diamondbacks, who used to only show up in Dugouts when I wanted to make a joke about how Randy Johnson looked like Dr. Satan from House of 1,000 Corpses. The new look Diamondbacks are something to keep an eye on... they're locking down important young talent, focusing on short and long term goals toward permanently improving the team, and, most importantly, they are holding auditions later this month for anyone who wants to sing the National Anthem.

If I lived in Arizona, I would do three things: 1) Go to Wrestlemania, 2) drink a ton of okay-tasting ice tea out of enormous aluminum cans, and 3) go to Chase Field wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sing like an idiot, and become an Internet millionaire. Today's Dugout follows.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Chase Field National Anthem Tryouts Chatroom!
	TrailerHinch: so how does this work, is it pass-fail like American Idol or is it based on sheets of paper with big numbers on them like in the NBA
	AWoodedGlenn: They get up here, they sing the National Anthem, and if we like it we let them sing it again at a home game.
	TrailerHinch: is it possible to just replace everyone with patriotic stock music? Because I have a tape
	Gibson_Statocaster: Is it possible to replace everyone with footage of me hitting that homerun with my gimpy horse leg? Because that is ten times more indicative of the American spirit than Francis Scott Key writing a poem about watching other people fight
	AWoodedGlenn: a lot of people have dreams of failing at singing in front of people, so unless you want every National Anthem pantomimed in a patronizing way by Baxter the Bobcat, just do this with me, okay
	TrailerHinch: okay okay, who's up first
	AWoodedGlenn: ummmm /checks clipboard "Local girl who tries really hard but chokes, and hits like five bad notes and leaves crying."
	LocalGirl: uhhhh MEEEEEH RICA, uhhh MEEEERICAAAengh, God shed his grace on th.... eeeeeeee....
	Gibson_Statocaster: Why is she holding her microphone like that?
	AWoodedGlenn: Because I'm gonna bet Amy Grant holds her microphone like that. I don't know, maybe she thinks it works like a megaphone.
	LocalGirl: ...and the HOOO oh OOOME of the ... buh-raaaaaaaa voice cracks aveee... /bursts into tears, runs off field
	TrailerHinch: put her down for like 25 of the 70 games
	AWoodedGlenn: Already ahead of you, she'll be performing on every night we have to give people something to get them to come watch the baseball
	AWoodedGlenn: up next is "little black boy with no confidence"
	LittleBoy: /holds microphone against face, sways back and forth
	AWoodedGlenn: he's here with his brother, "little black boy with way too much confidence who tries to sing the National Anthem like Usher"
	TrailerHinch: now wait, is the Star Spangled Banner really still our national anthem? I thought we had changed that to the "have you driven a Ford lately" song
	Gibson_Statocaster: no, the anthem is the same, you're thinking about "all country music"
	TrailerHinch: Sorry. I'm one acapella group away from giving this to Baxter. Who's up next
	AWoodedGlenn: next is "chubby girl who has been practicing every day for the last 16 years for an opportunity like this"
	ChubbyGirl: /puts finger in ear, uses hand to illustrate height of note /wears a dress with a cinch under the boobs, like that is fooling anyone
	AWoodedGlenn: followed by "pretty girl who didn't think she needed to practice, forgot the words, people cheered her anyway"
	PrettyGirl: And the laaaaamb of the freeee-HEEEEEEE! And the land, of the, braaaaaaaaaave /holds out hand with palm up, because this is the important part of the song
	TrailerHinch: Oooh, she's hot.
	AWoodedGlenn: I know, I totally penciled her in for like ten games. I gave the chubby girl an ill-fitting promotional hat from a local ice cream company
	Gibson_Statocaster: I want to see something uplifting. Something for the "I masturbate in a bean bag chair to Lee Greenwood" set.
	AWoodedGlenn: then you're in luck, because up next is "man in military garb singing to make your grandpa cry"
	ServiceMan: /anthems for Our Freedom
	Gibson_Statocaster: replace the singing with guys solemnly raising and lower guns to a snare drum and you've got yourself a deal
	TrailerHinch: we aren't going to get people to come out in the scorching heat to watch bottom-of-the-division NL West baseball with chubby locals What about celebrities? Can we get some celebrites to sing?
	AWoodedGlenn: of course, we're the Diamondbacks, we have the money to do anything!
	AWoodedGlenn: feast your ear eyeballs on "tween sensation who has never actually heard the Star Spangled Banner"
	JesseMcCartney: Ohhhh say can you see... by the ramparts we watched... what so prouuuudly we hailed, whose broad stripes and the brave
	Gibson_Statocaster: I don't believe what I just saw.
	TrailerHinch: I thought we already said no to "little black boy with way too much confidence who tries to sing the National Anthem like Usher"
	AWoodedGlenn: what about "avant-garde pop meta statement"
	OurLadyOfGagalupe: /performs national anthem atop piano made to look like a colossal napkin dispenser while wearing a string bikini made entirely out of Troll dolls
	Gibson_Statocaster: brilliant
	AWoodedGlenn: or if that is too stimulating, "one of Paris Hilton's friends trying too hard to be an avant-garde pop meta statement"
	KeshaFallingStar: STOP TALK TALK TALKING THA
	TrailerHinch: ugh, that girl looks like somebody swept her up out of the kitchen floor
	Gibson_Statocaster: If I used the bathroom on her I think it would somehow make her cleaner. What did she do, try to gouge out her eyes with pastel chalk?
	AWoodedGlenn: so... I think that gives us every game. If we can find at least one group of old men who want to sing together for some reason, we've covered everything.
	TrailerHinch: I don't really care, I'm only going to come to the games where they're giving out free t-shirts