Another year, another young guy who is supposed to show up and save the entire team! The Dugout's Spring Training 2010 special event continues tonight with the Cincinnati Reds, a team steeped in history and determined to exist in spite of the coach who seeks to physically destroy them. Super prospect Aroldis Chapman has debuted with great fire this Spring, and if he keeps it up he may steal away the coveted starter position from Jay Bruce. Wait, is that how the Reds work?

Anyway, tonight's Dugout deals with the very serious issue of Aroldis Chapman is going to end up the protagonist of a Harvey Danger song by the end of 2010. Look at that picture, he's been there for a day and he's already bending around all weird. This isn't going to end well. The Dugout follows.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to a riverbed far from the Cincinnati Reds 2010 Spring Training Chatroom!
	BakersDozen: /hoists up britches, wanders out into shallow waters
	CastelliniSky: So... you ever read The Onion?
	BakersDozen: nah boss, I don't ever read the onions, I just learned how to select an avocado like two weeks ago
	BakersDozen: the trick is to squeeze it as hard as you can for several minutes... if there's anything left when you're done, throw it away
	CastelliniSky: No, The Onion, it's a satirical newspaper.
	CastelliniSky: Well, it used to be a satirical newspaper, now it's just a movie blog full of College Humor videos
	BakersDozen: is it good
	CastelliniSky: it is, but it isn't what it used to be... to put it in terms you'd understand, what they were doing in the 90s was like Pete Rose, and what they do now is maybe... Eric Davis?
	BakersDozen: how am I supposed to understand those terms
	CastelliniSky: I was going to go somewhere with that but yeah, it's probably best that you don't read it
	CastelliniSky: All right, it's your turn. You can ask me anything. This is a bonding trip, don't forget!
	BakersDozen: /fishes around in murky water with ham fists
	BakersDozen: well first I'd have to ask, shouldn't we be at Spring Training right now messin with the ball club instead of out here in the crick fishing
	CastelliniSky: No, we have plenty of time, when Bud made the playoffs go into November he uh... agreed to make spring training start in May
	BakersDozen: okay well if we're fishing shouldn't we have fishing poles
	CastelliniSky: no no no, this is what all the active adults do with their time, fishing the way it used to be done, with our hands! and me veering off the road suddenly when we passed that Sporting News stand has absolutely nothing to do with it
	BakersDozen: all right then, serious question time somebody told me about an online website that claimed the Reds finally have some money to spend.
	BakersDozen: you all gonna bring in a big name free agent this year? I heard Mike Redmond was available but those fat cats with the swollen wallets up in Cleveland scooped him up, heh
	CastelliniSky: money? oh, no, no of course not, the Reds haven't had any money ever!
	CastelliniSky: I mean especially not now that we've given 46 million dollars to... to... uh...
	BakersDozen: /rasies eyebrow
	CastelliniSky: .. a man who said he would install a gigantic throttle level in our outfield to finish the steam locomotive we're building in the outfield?
	BakersDozen: whatever, give it to me straight
	CastelliniSky: oh boy, uh /looks around
	CastelliniSky: Yankee tax! This year all the other teams have to pay a Yankee tax to keep them good, because without the Yankees nobody would like baseball!
	BakersDozen: yeah okay that makes sense
	CastelliniSky: /wipes brow
	BakersDozen: I don't even know why we play baseball in Cincinnati, ain't like we ever go anywhere with it okay your turn, ask me anything
	CastelliniSky: here's a good one: say you got a pitcher with a 100 mph fastball. Say he's maybe 6'4, 185 pounds. Southpaw.
	CastelliniSky: say he's 22 years old and barely speaks English, and say the Reds won the Ohio Lottery or something and paid him a ton of money
	BakersDozen: how much money
	CastelliniSky: 46 million dollars say this guy showed up when we start spring training in May... what would you do?
	BakersDozen: the first thing I'd do is trick him into a handshake, then lock him in my dreaded fujiwara armbar until he submits
	CastelliniSky: why in the sh** would you do that
	BakersDozen: to assert dominance then I'd make him do one armed push-ups in a bounce house until his tendons get all broke up and transformed into pitching rubbers or he pops the floor
	BakersDozen: after that I fall back on my intense knowledge of pitching mechanics and biochemistry to just start hitting that motherf**ker in the elbow with a hammer
	CastelliniSky: what the, what is going on
	BakersDozen: that way when he pitches his fastball will be in the 50s or the 60s, like Barry Zito, where it will work better
	BakersDozen: oh man Bobby I would love to get my hands on a ripe, sugary brother like that
	CastelliniSky: ehhh okay, well, I'll keep trying to find someone like that for you! You just... you just keep fishing /rests head in hands
	BakersDozen: /jabs fist into river, pulls out writhing fish with bare hand
	Online Host A mysterious voice has begun whispering to BakersDozen
	BakersDozen: What? Who's there!
	SlapSchott: Aroooooldis... AROOOOOOLDISSSSSSS....
	BakersDozen: What are you saying, I can barely understand you? I roll this? You roll this what!
	CastelliniSky: shhhhhhhh oh my god be quiet please, stop haunting
	SlapSchott: AROLDIS CHAPMANNN
	BakersDozen: Are you saying somebody's name?
	Dog: AROOOOOOOOO!
	CastelliniSky: OH MY GOD SHUT THE HELL UP GHOST OF SCHOTTZIE

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