TNA iMPACT Report 3/8/10: Featuring Everyone You Have Ever Remembered

The FanHouse TNA iMPACT is a recap is for entertainment purposes only. The opinions expressed are that of a wrestling fan of no great ego who understands that it is not on the level but loves it anyway. Trust us, he once paid 60 dollars to get into a building to have his picture taken with Sojo Bolt. Reader discretion is advised.



Quick Results
("We know who THESE people are, Tazz!")

1. Hulk Hogan and Abyss nc. AJ Styles and Ric Flair
2. Doug Williams d. Daniels and Kaz
3. The Beautiful People d. Sarita & Taylor Wilde and Tara & Angelina Love to become new Knockouts Tag Team Champions
4. Rob Van Dam d. Sting
5. Eric Young d. Syxx-Pac
6. Beer Money, Inc. d. Jeff Jarrett
7. Hulk Hogan and Abyss d. AJ Styles and Ric Flair



Lengthy, Verbose Results
("Let's take a look at what just happened moments ago in the iMPACT Zone.")

- This is the world's biggest and most important disclaimer: I want TNA Wrestling to succeed. They have a warehouse of young talent that I love watching perform alongside enough proven, money-making commodities that any true attempt to get everyone on the same page and moving forward in the same direction should be enough to make a serious airplane explosion hole in the side of World Wrestling Entertainment. They have now moved to Monday night in direct competition to Raw, and as the old saying goes, competition is good for the business.

That being said, I don't expect a lick of this to make sense and I fully expect to be driven into a confusion-fueled hysteria of indignant rage by the time this is over. One hand says "we are an alternative, we are how wrestling is supposed to be done" and the other hand says "we are gonna be exactly like Raw. With the same people and everything!" Bear with me.

- The show begins with Hulk Hogan and his friend "The Monster" Abyss. If you have never seen Abyss, imagine that Kane and Mankind had a baby. That's the easy part. Now imagine that that godless lovebaby grew up and had a baby with that really tall kid with the curly hair from your high school who was way too into metal. It turns out that kid has a recessive gene and a history of mental disorder. That is... more or less Abyss. Hogan has given Abyss his WWE Hall of Fame ring as a confidence boost, which is better than a pair of hedge trimmers and some segmented mesh pants, I guess. He says that Ric Flair and AJ Styles have changed the rules and forced him back into competition. Note: Hogan is the one who has been talking about how he was going to change all of TNA's rules and traditions, and Bischoff keeps coming out and reworking PPV matches on the fly... all Ric Flair did was cheat, and not even that badly.

Our main event is going to happen right now, because the Undertaker is talking on the other channel!

Match 1: Tag Team Match
Hulk Hogan and Abyss vs. Ric Flair and AJ Styles

Abyss and Styles start it off. These two have pretty good in-ring chemistry and have put on some surprisingly good matches in the past, which is something you can't say about Flair and Hogan. It's hard to argue against Flair and Hogan as the two most important North American pro wrestlers ever, but together they are the absolute worst. I'm guessing it has a lot to do with them not crossing paths in any real way before they started getting older. Right now Hogan looks a lot like he did on Hogan Knows Best, only with less muscle definition so he ends up looking like one of those old LJN Wrestling Superstars. Flair looks like he's wearing a heavy jacket at all times.

This match is interrupted almost immediately by Sting, who still looks great and is still awesome because I was a little Stinger in the 80s and my heart wills it to be so. Sting stares down the heels for a moment before attacking Abyss and Hogan with a baseball bat. The crowd cheers as Tazz and Tenay put over what an awful, unexpected turn of events this is. How can Sting DO THIS!? Well, for starters, Hogan forced him to take a vow of silence and hang out in the rafters for a year, and just a couple of years ago he had to face Abyss in a match where to win you had to literally put your opponent into their death bed. The worst thing Styles ever did to Sting was give him an inferiority complex for a few weeks, and the worst thing Flair ever did was befriending Sting before turning on him 260,000 times.

Winners: Nobody

Sting leaves as Styles and the Nature Boy continue the assault with a steel chair, and Flair gives Hogan a great Lance Storm channeling Dory Funk Jr. chair shot to the top of the head. Security breaks it up, because I guess the Nasty Boys are still trying to fit through the iMPACT Zone doors. A bloody Hogan gets on the mic and says this isn't over. He says that because Flair keeps changing the rules, he's going to change the game... tonight the match will continue, and it will be no disqualification. That is actually changing the rules! Changing the game would be Hogan challenging Flair to flag football.

- Impassive TNA President Dixie Carter takes a break from running Sugarbaker Designs to confront Sting backstage. He grabs her by the throat and shoves her into the corner, saying that he owes her nothing.

- In another area backstage, Abyss is pounding the walls and screaming WHY STING, WHY in a melodramatic moment that takes me out of things and makes me imagine special iMPACT guest host Jeff Gillooly. Sting vs. Abyss in a collapsible baton on a pole match! WE KNOW WHO THAT IS, TAZZ, THAT'S SHAWN ECKARDT!

- Kaz is in the ring with no music and no entrance, talking about how he left TNA two years ago and how he just can't commit to suicide. When Jerry Lawler's wife was fired from being his co-worker, he quit the company in a show of solidarity. I guess Kaz figures this is the best he's gonna do. This leads to an argument with (Christopher) Daniels about who is the most "X-Division." Stop trying to make fetch happen! THIS leads to an argument with Kaz, Daniels, and Doug Williams, who is the champion but who has not been around long enough to have parts of his name removed. This brings out Reckless Youth and Jody Fleisch, because we are on the independent circuit and it is 1999. But seriously, the triple threat argument brings out Chief Executive Officer (or whatever) Eric Bischoff, who sinks the lay-up and makes Kaz vs. Daniels vs. Doug for the X-Division title RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW~

Match 2: X-Division Championship Match
Doug Williams © vs. Daniels vs. Kaz

Did you ever see the Styles vs. Daniels vs. Samoa Joe match from Unbreakable in 2005? Replace Styles with a lower tier version of himself (Frankie Kazarian). Now replace Samoa Joe with a lower tier version of himself (Doug Williams). Have Christopher Daniels do exactly the same thing. That's what this match is. It's solid, with a lot of "set it up, knock it down" action. Daniels tries to hit the Best Moonsault Ever (I can't type BME... they should give Joe a moonsault and call it the BMI) but Williams catches him with the Chaos Theory for the victory. In the event that Williams stays around long enough to have his name shortened to "Doug," I propose we change the name of the Chaos Theory to "Killer Tofu."

This match may have not been the mayonnaise for me, but it's the match of the night across both shows. It also lasts several minutes, which is so unexpected at this point that it makes it seem even better. Darren Young working a cravate for five minutes on NXT seemed like Tsuruta/Tenryu from '89 after six months of 30 second MVP matches.

Winner: Doug Williams

After the match, the "Prince of Punk" Shannon Moore hits the ring and attacks Williams. Bischoff reappears, cutting a promo that might as well have been "YOU SEE THIS GUY? THIS GUY IS JEFF HARDY'S FRIEND. HE'LL BE YOUR OPPONENT AT DESTINATION X! NO, NOT JEFF, THIS GUY!" Shannon Moore is one of my least favorite wrestlers of all time, and every time I see him now I see that glorious backstage segment where CM Punk slapped him in the face, called him a poser, and made him whimper like an eight year old girl.

- Backstage with Jeremy Borash, Dixie Carter calls Sting "Steve" to let you know this is Serious Business. She sets up Sting vs. A Mystery Opponent for later tonight, saying that Sting will find out who he's wrestling when we do. Calling it: Sting must run the gauntlet and defeat The Hurricane, Paul Burchill, and Maria!

- I'm not one to repeatedly mention my girlfriend in reports like this to make myself sound cool on the Internet, but it is difficult to explain to my girlfriend why the Beautiful People are backstage and bending over for no reason as we send it to commercial break.

- Awesome Kong and my sassy dream bride Ayako Hamada have been stripped of the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships for not defending the titles in the last thirty days and also because Kong doesn't work for them anymore! So we're treated to a triple threat (which we did not JUST DO) tag team match to crown new champions.

Match 3: Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match
Sarita and Taylor Wilde vs. The Beautiful People vs. Tara and Angelina Love

I am a big fan of two people in this match: Sarah "Sarita" Stock, because she rocks it in the Consejo Mundial de Lucha Libre, and Madison Rayne, because she rocked it in Cleveland All Pro Wrestling. The Beautiful People are wearing hot pink and black chaps with their names on their butts because Torrie Wilson's gear became anthropomorphic and had a forced lesbian love affair with Bret Hart's.

This match is once again very, very quick and not particularly special, because Lacey Von Erich is standing at ringside. Lacey Von Erich is Wrestlelicious, which means that anything she comes into contact with immediately becomes as serious as Draculetta. Tara sets up Rayne for the Widows Peak, but Daffney shows up and blasts her with the Knockouts Title, allowing The Beautiful People to become the new tag champions. Two things: One, I'm pretty sure Daffney still hates the Beautiful People for cutting her hair when she was The Governer, but I guess since a new feud has started we can forget the old ones. Two, there were seven women and a poisonous spider involved in this match, and they brought out an EIGHTH woman to run the interference.

Winners: The Beautiful People

- Christy Hemme is backstage with the always awesome "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero. It's not a unique opinion, but WWE letting this guy go was one of the biggest personnel mistakes they've ever made. His promo is interrupted by the also great Desmond Wolfe, who attacks him, rips off his boot, and whips him in the ankle with a steel chain. For about a minute, pro wrestling is EXACTLY RIGHT on my television. I do a big Robert Duvall sniff and appreciate it.

- Backstage, Sting is walking. Mike Tenay asks aloud who Sting's opponent will be later tonight. Tazz asks Tenay what he was doing at 4:20 this afternoon, completely ruining the suspense and surprise for everybody. My napalm sniff is over. How would you even know that, Tazz, and if you KNEW that, why wouldn't you just tell Mike Tenay? Are you worried about Sting hearing it? I'm pretty sure Sting doesn't even know this is on television.

Match 4: Total Surprise Match
Sting vs. Rob Van Dam

Sting stands in the ring. Rob Van Dam jump kicks him, then hits Rolling Thunder for the victory. Derp.

Winner: Rob Van Dam

There is no way for me to comment on this without sounding like a jaded internet nerd. However, "this is why more people don't buy your pay-per-views," "this is why your product is devalued," "this is why you cannot create stars and have to buy old ones," and "what the hell" are all appropriate responses. Rob Van Dam's hair continues to look like Butthead's. RVD stands on the turnbuckles to pose for the crowd, not remembering that seconds ago he got a flash pin on a guy holding a baseball bat, so Sting just pulls him down and beats the sh** out of him with the bat for what seems like 25 minutes. And this is coming from a guy who LOVES to see Rob Van Dam get hit with a baseball bat.

Hulk Hogan tries to make the save but is cutt off by Bubba the Love Sponge, whose TNA gimmick is that of Moral Judge. An overweight radio host keeps the twelve time heavyweight champion from progressing, so Sting takes out a security guy and hits Hogan in the stomach with the bat. Once. Hogan sells it like death, so Sting goes back to hitting Van Dam. Tenay and Tazz speak in hushed, shouted voices about Hogan's health, not seeming to notice that Hogan was hit once, while Van Dam has been hit repeatedly all over his body for the last two hours. Maybe they care less because Van Dam sells his defense exactly like he sells his offense.

- Meanwhile, the show continues. How long have I been writing?

- The quick version of the next segment: Kevin Nash and Eric Young come to the ring and call out Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac. Hall and Pac appear, shout some outdated lingo, and a match is set up between the two teams. If Hall and Pac win, they get TNA contracts, but if they lose, they are gone forever. Sounds pretty easy, right? This takes about 15 minutes, and at one point I'm pretty sure they cut to a shot of Eric Bischoff on the toilet. This leads to this match:

Match 5: Impromptu Match
Eric Young vs. Syxx-Pac

where Eric Young dodges a bronco buster and piledrivers Syxx-Pac for the win

Winner: Eric Young

So this is the match for Destination X: A former world champion who has been competing in your main events for the last few years and his upstart, passionate junior friend are facing off against one professional wrestler a 51 year old drunkard who hasn't wrestled against anyone better than the Insane Clown Posse since 2007. So to build to that match, you have the little guy from the first team kill the wrestler from the second team in 30 seconds with a piledriver. How do Hall and Pac possibly stand a chance now? Half of the nWo Black and White and a third of the Wrestlerock Rumble are dead, guys.

- Kurt Angle brings out the United States Army (yes, all of them) and announces that the role of the army is to protect people like Kurt Angle from "bitches." I would think it more challenging to protect bitches from the army. This leads to Angle (the face) and the United States Army (who are supposed to be en masse our greatest natural faces) gang up and beat up Mr. Anderson (the heel) for several minutes 20-to-1. I have absolutely no idea how morality works these days. And the worst part is that the army arrived to the arena in a hum-vee, driven by Torrie Wilson, Psycho Sid, or any number of people.

- Backstage, Bubba the Love Sponge tells Hulk Hogan what to do.

- In a completely different backstage area (because the iMPACT Zone is large enough to include the homes of both Kurt Angle and Shark Boy), Jeff Jarrett asks Beer Money Incorporated why they volunteered to face him in a handicap match tonight. I wish James Storm had replied, "because we've already done two triple threats and two impromptu matches, and this is the only idea they had left!" and then apologized to him for his damn luck. Special guest referee and maybe-possibly-still authority figure Mick Foley tells them to take it to the ring.

Match 6: Handicap Match
Jeff Jarrett vs. Beer Money, Inc.

So now Jarrett is not only up against TNA management, but against the only tag team to that is a legal entity effectively recognized under the law. You need a flow chart to understand the ethical relativity of Jeff Jarrett's current storyline. His wife died of breast cancer, so he started dating Kurt Angle's wife. So real life Dixie Carter put him on a real life leave of absence as punishment. He returned to the company on television, where false life Hulk Hogan (who is a good guy) worked in tandem with Eric Bischoff (who is I think a bad guy) and false life Dixie Carter (who is a good guy) to place Jarrett in a series of demeaning matches to browbeat his career and accomplishments. This is normally the kind of thing you do when you are a bad guy in charge of a good guy, and you want to make people sympathetic towards said good guy... but here a bunch of good guys are doing it to a bad guy to create no sympathy, and basically just tread water and piss all over each other.

Jarrett fights off two guys, three if you count Foley, and still almost wins, only losing because of a cheap shot to the groin. Are we supposed to feel bad for him, or laugh at him because he got hit in the crotch? Is he doing something noble by jumping through these hoops, or something selfish by still trying to be a part of the show when nobody wants him around? Did my ear just start leaking? What the hell

Winners: Beer Money Limited Liability Corporation

- Brooke Hogan is crying backstage, telling her dad that this is the last time he can ever wrestle. He agrees. He doesn't take any crap from any of the wrestlers, but so far tonight he has listened to a crummy shock jock and his gamma radiated 21-year old teen daughter. He wouldn't even be wrestling tonight, but he gave Abyss this special pair of pants, and now all of Abyss' promo photos are of him sticking his hips out and pointing at the pants, and Abyss is the biggest Hulkamaniac and you just can't let him down, brother

Match 7 (whew): Tag Team Match
A dying Hulk Hogan and Abyss vs. Ric Flair and AJ Styles

AJ's amalgamated Styles/Flair robe looks even stupider when he's wearing it next to Flair. I forgot to mention that before. This one picks up where the earlier match left off, only now the nostalgic response is gone because we've seen these guys walk around for two hours and everything is a little less interesting. Flair bleeds like a stuck pig, because that and his AW GOD sell are really all he's got left. You really should've considered leaving the memories alone. The match devolves into a cacophony of hot tags, missed clotheslines, and finisher attempts until Hogan whips the 4 foot 2 Styles into the 9 foot 8 Abyss for a black hole slam and the victory. This is the greatest match in the history of our sport. Note: our sport started 10 minutes ago

Miraculously, Hogan survives this short pro wrestling encounter, proving Brooke and Bubba wrong. NOW you guys can leave the memories alone. No, hey, stop touching the memories. Leave them alone. RIC, GO SIT OVER THERE BY YOURSELF.

Winners: Hulk Hogan and AJ Styles

After the match, the night plays itself out thematically with Desmond Wolfe running in and hitting Abyss with a chair, causing D'Angelo Dinero to run in and even things up. The bad guys start to gain an advantage, so Jeff Hardy re-re-redebuts and hits a Twist of Fate on Styles. He heads up top to hit the Swanton Bomb, and the production team is like "ehhhhhhhhhh" and cuts to black before he can actually do it. If they are doing these things on purpose -- if TNA iMPACT is the televised professional wrestling version of Freddy Got Fingered -- that was a master stroke.

And hey, debuting like that is slightly better than hopping out of the crowd to beat up Homicide for not being able to climb the enormous red Duplo cage.



What the show accomplished: It was a professional wrestling show on Monday night. The main event featured two sixty-year olds, beating Raw's main event featuring only one.

What the show didn't accomplish: Providing an alternative. To be different, you have to be brave enough to actually be different. Tons of backstage segments, hoo-rah'ing at the troops, and a series of 30 second matches are not the alternative to Raw. They are EXACTLY THE SAME THING as Raw. I am a Twitter geek on Website Internet and I'm guessing you think I am a fat boy who needs to get into the ring and see how real it is or whatever, but here is your quick and easy guide to making wrestling work again: 1) make sense, 2) provide compelling reasons for me to watch, 3) wrestle in an entertaining fashion, 4) do not be afraid of your own history, 5) pay off what you set up. If you want an even quicker version, "stop worrying about ratings and try to make some money."

The gist: TNA iMPACT airs Monday nights on Spike TV at 9PM EST. It does, I promise.