WWE Raw Report 3/8/10: Criss Angel 'Hosts'

The FanHouse WWE Raw Report (and all pro wrestling show reports herein) is a recap of what is happening on the other channel while you watch Hulk Hogan beat up sixteen 20-year olds at once and is for entertainment purposes only. The opinions expressed are that of a wrestling fan of no great ego who understands that it is not on the level but loves it anyway. Do not take any of this too seriously.



Quick Results
(slapped together at the last minute)

1. Eve Torres, Gail Kim, and Kelly Kelly d. Maryse, Alicia Fox, and Katie Lea Burchill
2. The Miz and The Big Show nc. John Morrison and R-Truth
3. Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes d. Randy Orton
4. Evan Bourne d. William Regal to qualify for Money in the Bank
5. Mr. McMahon, et. al d. John Cena



Lengthy, Verbose Results
(prepared utilizing almost two weeks of history)

- The Undertaker's Dong starts off the show, which is better than Hulk Hogan's starting off iMPACT. He recaps and summarizes the feud with Shawn Michaels up until this point, without using any Placebo or Johnny Cash songs for emphasis. Michaels comes out (not like that) and says that the Undertaker is afraid of him. Taker says Michaels is desperate. The match at Wrestlemania is made into a no countout, no disqualification affair to make sure there will be a definitive winner. If the Undertaker loses, his legendary Wrestlemania undefeated streak comes to an end. If Shawn Michaels loses, he must appear the next night on Raw, but then stay home until Summerslam.

Match 1: Six Diva Tag Team Match
Eve Torres, Gail Kim, and Kelly Kelly [total combined weight, 77 lbs.] vs. Maryse, Alicia Fox, and Katie Lea Burchill [total combined weight 61 lbs.]

This is a match several years in the making, where the entwined histories of the six female competitors are finally drawn taught, and we find out once and for all who will stand and who will... wait, no, this is the exact same thing that happens every week: Kelly Kelly gets into a car and drives it head-on into oncoming traffic. Maryse continues to be the Baron Scicluna of the womens division, whipping out a ura nage backbreaker like the world's most heterosexual Roderick Strong for a two count. WWE teaches us that women have a short attention span, and after two minutes everyone just kinda gets in the ring and starts slapping at each other. Eve Torres continues to look impressive any time she is not throwing a jumping clothesline and pretends she is Dragon Soldier B long enough to land a flipping crucifix armbreaker from the turnbuckles on the champion for the submission victory.

Winners: Eve Torres and the Pajama Pals

After the match, we get a run-in from... oh, sorry, I thought I was still reviewing TNA.

- Backstage Hornswoggle is standing by with special guest host Criss Angel, who is famous for being Holly Madison's greasiest rebound and for doing magic tricks like eating a string and pulling it out of his eyeball. Magicians are the worst these days. Magic trucks used to be "I sawed a woman in half, but not really" or "I'm going to pour this milk into a man's hat." Magic is nothing like that anymore. David Blaine sits still for 15 days and calls it magic. Criss Angel uses basic psychology and a TV camera to guess somebody's number and then stab himself in the heart with a bayonet or something and calls it magic. Here is a suggestion, Criss Angel: make wrestling appear

Angel performs for the Bella Twins, who tell him that they are huge fans. WHAT AREN'T YOU FANS OF, BELLA TWINS. "HEEEEEEEEY JOSEF MENGELE! WE LOOOOOOOOVE YOUR WORK WITH TWINS!" Hermann Göring hosts the show and they hit on him and fondle him as they walk off-screen.

Match 2: Somewhat Impromptu Tag Team Match
The Miz and The Big Show vs. people they are about to insult who aren't supposed to be able to wrestle on this brand unless they are on its roster

Miz talks about how John Morrison and R-Truth earned a shot at the Unified Tag Team Championships at Wrestlemania by winning a match on Smackdown and evokes Wrestlemania 11, comparing them to Lex Luger and the British Bulldog. He says he would rather face The Bushwhackers, because at least they are a real team. This brings out Truth and Morrison (suggested team name: "Black Dude") to prove that they are a real team and a threat, and wrestling happens for 38 seconds before the match is thrown out for no discernable reason.

Winners: No Contest

I hate to reference Roderick Strong twice in one column, but when Morrison gets on the ropes after the match to say they showed how "real" they could get, all I could picture was Roddy on the turnbuckles at Supercard of Honor, stuttering as he tried to insult his opponent by saying "get back here Bryan Danielson, WORLD CHAMPION!" I'm not sure why they did this on Raw instead of just having them talk to each other backstage (preferably in the company of one of the guys from Good Charlotte or something), but whatever.

- Josh Mathews and John Cena discuss the inevitability of Batista interfering in tonight's main-event. That's pretty rough when your writers write stuff for your wrestlers to say about how obvious the writing is.

- Up next for the Criss Angel backstage magic show on tape is William Regal and his NXT rookie Skip Sheffield, who I must admit has gotten me to start saying "yip yip yip, what it do" in real life situations. Urgh. Angel asks Regal to write a number down on a piece of paper and guesses it by reading his facial ticks and reactions, and also by counting in front of him. This guy's idea of MAGIC is to COUNT OUT LOUD. Skip is impressed because he has a brain the size of a walnut, and tells Coach Regal that he owes him a Travis Tritt CD. Okay, that made me laugh. Hoping the nxt episode of NXT has Regal rocking out to "Help Me Hold On."

Match 3: Handicap Match
Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes

So far on the show we've had a tag team match between people who are wrestling at Wrestlemania and a Divas match featuring six people. Those matches, all evenly stacked, lasted 215 seconds. 177 of that was the Divas. One guy getting beaten up by two guys lasts for almost twelve minutes.

I like Randy Orton, but there is absolutely no reason for anything he's doing to be happening. He sexually assaulted a woman and now he is beating up the people who he trained to beat up all the people we like. Orton and DiBiase, to the best of my knowledge, are just trying to get this guy to stop beating them up singlehandedly and berating them all the time. Legacy are the heels, Orton is the face. Stone Cold Steve Austin gave Stacy the stunner because she politely turned down a beer. He held a GUN to Vince McMahon's head and threatened to actually shoot him in his brain and kill him as people chanted "AUS-TIN." But somehow Snitsky kicks a baby into the audience and people boo. It's just like the NFL. It doesn't matter how big of a scumbag you are, if you are good at football, people are going to cheer you anyway.

Miraculously, DiBiase finally uses his special move (outside interference from behind by Cody Rhodes) to hit Orton with his finisher (unknown) and pick up the victory. It took two guys twelve minutes to beat this one guy.

Winners: Legacy

- Batista gives his word as WWE Champion that he will not get involved in tonight's match. He tells Josh to tell Cena he's rooting for him, because he needs the confidence boost. Batista continues to bring the adulterated awesome.

- Next week's host: Stone Cold Steve Austin. Brie Bella: "Stone Cold Steve Austin! We love that time you beat your wife!" fondle fondle

- Triple H gives a lengthy promo establishing character motivation for he and Sheamus heading into their Wrestlemania showdown, noting that he was once in Sheamus' position, trying to take out a big star to make a name for himself. When the promo ends, Triple H beats Sheamus mercilessly and sends him away with his tail between his legs, because Triple H does not understand anything about how logic or humanity work. But hey, you know what? Now I want to pay 50 dollars to watch Triple H beat up a guy I know he can easily beat up.

- Backstage, Santino Marella watches Criss Angel crush styrofoam cups and call it magic. Because I guess now Criss Angel is just stealing [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G40-BZyr_FM]Chipps Cooney's act[/url]. Come to think of it, Chipps Cooney hosting Raw would be the most awesome thing of all time.

Match 4: Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
Evan Brawn vs. William Regal, with Skip Sheffield

Christian and his NXT rookie Heath Slater are here for guest commentary. They should do a Kuffs-themed episode of RAW where Christian and Slater have romantic tension with a nuclear-hot underage Milla Jovovich. They don't get to talk very long, because at the minute mark Evan Bourne counters Regal's running knee strike with a jumping knee of his own, and hits Air Bourne for the victory. Yip yip yip, what it do not do.

Winner: Evan Bourne

I rationalize this with images of Bourne in Money in the Bank and how exciting that could be, which King instantaneously ruins by shouting "CAN YOU IMAGINE AIR BOURNE FROM THE TOP OF A LADDER," ensuring that we aren't going to see it. What we can expect to see: Dolph Ziggler's finisher from the ladder, Matt Hardy falling really hard and giving himself a hernia, and the escalation of the ultimately fruitless Shelton Benjamin jumping meme.

- Next week is Wrestlemania Rewind week, featuring rematches from past Wrestlemanias. Included on the card are John Cena vs. The Big Show, Triple H vs. Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho, and Jake the Snake Roberts vs. George Wells. I can't wait to see Wells barf all over himself all gross in High Definition!

Match 5: Main Event, Strictly One on One with No Shenanigans
John Cena vs. Mr. McMahon and Nobody Else

Because birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, longcat gotta be long, Mr. McMahon changes the rules of this match at the last second in the most predictable turn of events in modern history. He makes it a handicap gauntlet match, enlisting the help of Vladimir Kozlov, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, and, yes, Batista, to pin Cena. Cena supermans out of all-to-most of those peoples' finishing moves and Vince just keeps cycling through partners, not actually requiring Cena to pin them to get them out of the ring... so really there is no "gauntlet" to this, it's just people wandering out to help Vince. After a while things get so frustrating that Vince makes the match "no disqualification," because a goddamned troglodyte is writing this show and cannot link together simple concepts to tell a story for babies.

Kofi Kingston tries to help out but is dispatched by Batista. Remember when Kofi Kingston was a person on television? Cena messes with the bull, gets the horns, and a Batista Bomb is enough for McMahon to finally get the duke.

Winner: Vince McMahon

Dave stands tall over Cena, asking for a spotlight, and that's the end of your show. Who will lie on the ground while someone stands over them silently next week? Tune in to find out!



What the show accomplished: This was one of those Raws that wasn't really BAD in any really objectionable way, but really didn't accomplish much. Everyone is doing what they did last week, and what they will do next week. Someone compared it to playing chicken with the audience... WWE knows you're going to buy Wrestlemania because of the stacked card, so they're just trying to see how bad they can be between now and then to get you as close to the "don't buy" button as possible without pushing it. I'm not going to miss Taker/Michaels II, now matter how much Wrestleicious you give me.

What the show didn't accomplish: Making wrestling seem like a very enjoyable thing to watch. Oh well, at least MVP wasn't involved in any title matches this week.

The gist: Right now, a boring and predictable Raw is still going to be preferable to the bag-of-whatever TNA is experimenting with. Next week should be fun with Austin in the house, hopefully on an ATV chasing Teddy Long around again, but we've seen those "main event" matches so many times at this point there isn't really a compelling hook to wanting to see them again. Over under on half-full beers discarded in the ring next week: 11