Opinion: Washington Bipartisan-Speak Decoded

(March 10) -- Most Americans believe that any bipartisan movement in our government has been scuttled by the two parties. And most of us are right. Most of us also believe that one party is responsible for about 20 percent of the mucking up and the other party 80 percent. What we don't agree on is which is which.

But one thing we can all agree on is that both sides continue to lock out us ordinary citizens by talking in a special congressional code known as Politico-Speak. And my job is to decipher. No need to thank me. It's my job.

What they say: Reconciliation.
What they mean: Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.

What they say: Bipartisan.
What they mean: Buypartisan.

What they say: We want to work with the other side.
What they mean: The same way a coyote wants to work with a nest full of baby ducks.

What they say: Our differences can be bridged.
What they mean: Of course, theoretically, so can the Pacific Ocean.

What they say: We are glad to be holding these open and transparent hearings.
What they mean: One hearing. For six hours. A year later.

What they say: We need to start over from scratch.
What they mean: Let's start fixing it tomorrow. Or never. Whichever comes last.

What they say: It's obvious the other side is simply engaging in political posturing.
What they mean: Was my chin sufficiently lit and thrust forward on that?

What they say: I just hope this isn't more political theater.
What they mean: Because everyone knows that satire closes on Saturday night.

What they say: Of course we're willing to compromise.
What they mean: Of course we're willing for them to agree with us.

What they say: At the end of the day a solution will be found.
What they mean: And that day is Tuesday, Nov. 2, 2010.

What they say: We're determined to go the extra mile.
What they mean: Admittedly, we haven't moved 15 centimeters, but we're pooped. Maybe we should hold committee hearings on switching to the metric system.

What they say: All we ask is that the other side negotiate in good faith.
What they mean: The city of Good Faith, Queensland, Australia.

What they say: We're the ones reaching across the aisle.
What they mean: Pay no attention to the chainsaw.

What they say: This is not partisan. I'm looking for answers from either party.
What they mean: As the smartest guy in the room, I already have most of them.

What they say: This is a wonderful opportunity to watch government in action.
What they mean: Argh. My eyes!

So, remember, take what these folks say with not just a grain a salt but the whole salt flat. What you think you hear is not what they think they mean.

After all, these are people who lie to the press then believe what they read.

Will Durst is a comedian and sworn enemy to all tyrants, foreign and domestic. Visit him on Red Room to find out about his upcoming performances and his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing: Common Sense Rantings from a Raging Moderate."


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