Knuckle Puck: Zambonis Are Not Buoyant

Each and every weekend this season I'll be taking a look at the random happenings and absurdities that occur in the world of hockey. Feel free to suggest stories, complain or otherwise babble at me via electronic mail.

Ever wonder if Zambonis were buoyant? Neither have I. But this week, the good people at Keystone Resort in Colorado tried it -- unintentionally, mind you.

Let's go to the ~~videotape~~ news report.

A Zamboni took a dip in North America's largest groomed skating pond at Keystone Resort tonight.

A dip? Oh, it was just going for a quick swim!

A driver was grooming the lake at about 6:15 p.m., when the ice cracked and the 7,000-pound machine began to sink at about 6:15 p.m. As a precaution, skaters were cleared from another area of the 5-acre pond, resort spokesman Ryan Whaley said. The driver was not injured.

"Grooming the lake." That makes it sound like an animal. 'Oh, I was just grooming Fido.' Except take out 'Fido' and put in 'Keystone Lake'. But anyway, when Hollywood makes a movie about this incident it will be the longest movie ever. Seven hours of a Zamboni slowly sinking through the ice.

There was no word immediately on how soon the rink might re-open, but staff will examine the ice and remove the Zamboni Wednesday, Whaley said.

I like how relaxed the staff seems about this. 'Yeah, we'll get it out of there sometime before Halloween.'

"They'll take it out and we'll see how it is," Whaley said of the machine and the safety of the ice around the crater.

You know this story isn't going anywhere exciting when that's the money quote the writer gets for it.

With a lake that large, other areas could reopen immediately, he said.

THANK GOODNESS. We need to skate on that ice! Forget about the giant Zamboni-size hole in it!

YouTube of the Week

The Boston Bruins' marketing department is awesome. They've been creating these commercials with a large bear doing funny things for the last year or two. I want to work for the Bruins marketing department. It's probably pretty fun.

Marketing Guy #1: Hey, Ted. What should we do today?
Marketing Guy #2: Uh... Wanna rock, paper, scissors for who has to wear the bear costume and go film a commercial?

Seriously, that's awesome.

And this commercial must have been an even better imaginary conversation.

Marketing Guy #1(snickering): Hey Ted, wanna get thrown through a window today while I'm wearing a bear costume, film it, and we'll say it's the new commercial?
Marketing Guy #2(holding back laughter): That's uh... Haha... Hell yea!

Knuckle Pucker of the Year Nominee
Each week, we'll nominate someone who deserves to be recognized for their outstanding service and commitment to giving me something to write about. By the end of the year I'll come up with some way to declare a winner. Today's nominee is...

... Oregon Libertarian senate candidate Marc Delphine!

Nothing gives you a better shot at winning KPOTY than blatantly and obliviously infringing copyrights! Mr. Delphine's senate campaign lifted the Columbus Blue Jackets' logo to use as the logo for the campaign. But don't worry, Mr. Delphine isn't a hockey fan so he had no idea. Blame the interns! Puck Daddy has the exclusive interview. They're doing the Lord's work over there... or just have a lot of time on their hands. Here's a snippet:

"They were all like, 'What are you doing with their logo?' and I was like, 'I didn't make the logo!' and we pulled it immediately," said Delphine, a Libertarian candidate making history as the first openly homosexual man to run for the U.S. Senate in Oregon. "I'm not interested in any kind of infringement. We don't even need a logo."

YouTube of the Week Part II
Just because I love you so much, let's watch this high school kid falling during introductions. It's funny, but the part you don't see is that now he can't get a date for the prom.*