Week in Review: The Tiger Coming Back Edition

Some weeks cause more indigestion than others. Last week was a double-bean burrito with pimento cheese on top.

Throw in a side order of Wendy's finger chili, a diamond-eating dog, Harry Smith getting a televised colonoscopy and Rex Ryan getting a tummy tuck, and it was not a week for weak stomachs.

But you know what the most galling event of all was?

No, not the WNBA signing convicted felon Marion Jones or Carl Edwards intentionally wrecking another driver. It was all that yammering about bubbles and bracketology that led to Selection Sunday, when the world would finally find out where Tiger Woods plans to play his first after-crash tournament.

Or maybe not.

We may know where Coastal Carolina is going, but we still don't know when Tiger will return. We did officially enter guessing season last week, with daily updates that totally contradicted what was reported 24 hours earlier.

Bay Hill, the Masters, Wimbledon, The Mr. Nude USA contest. You name it, Tiger's reportedly coming back there.

The only firm news of the week was that ex-Bush Administration spokesman Ari Fleischer was hired to handle Woods' public relations campaign, and that ex-lover Jamie Jungers won the "Miss Mistress" contest staged by Howard Stern. Jungers beat out two other Tiger paramours on stage and withstood a strong write-in vote for Johnny Weir.

Speaking of which, the "Stars on Ice" tour reportedly steered clear of Weir because he is "not family friendly," which apparently is the new euphemism for "light in the skates." Gay activist groups reacted as if they'd just swallowed a $20,000 diamond. Which brings us to our Quote of the Week:

"I can understand what it was like in the Gold Rush. I felt like I had just hit pay dirt."



Share So said George Kaufmann, a jewelry store owner in Maryland. He had to follow around a dog named Sollie after it gobbled up a three-carat diamond that fell on the floor. After three days of sifting through Sollie's you-know-what, the diamond was recovered.

Hopefully somebody will clean it before it's put on a bride's finger. Which brings us to Quote of the Week II.

"I cooked it."

So said Anna Ayala in her first post-jail interview. She's the lady who put a severed finger (cooked) into a bowl of Wendy's chili in 2005 and tried to sue. Perhaps her next job should be New York Jets dietician, since the head coach underwent lap-band surgery in hopes of losing a few of his 347 pounds.

He just doesn't want to lose all of them. Then he'd be James Brown, whose earthly remains were reported missing from their crypt.

"My daddy's body has disappeared," his daughter said. "I have no clue where it was taken."

I don't either, but at least we can rule out Harry Smith's colon. Now, before Ari Fleischer gives me the finger for not caring if Woods ever returns, here's what else happened last week.

Sunday

A 37-year-old Key West woman crashes her 1995 Ford Thunderbird into another car as she attempted to shave her bikini area. In related news, Carl Edwards runs into Brad Keselowski at the Atlanta Motor Speedway and says he was distracted by "a dull razor."

Jeff Bridges wins the Oscar for Best Actor for his role in Crazy Heart, while Johnny Weir takes the Oscar for Best Makeup for his performance in the Winter Olympics.

Ron Artest shows up in Orlando with his hair dyed yellow and the word "Defense" spelled in Japanese, Hebrew and Hindi. After losing to the Magic, Phil Jackson notes that no Japanese, Hebrew or Hindi player has ever made the NBA's All-Defensive Team.

Monday

Rep. Eric Massa (D-Bathhouse) says a naked White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel verbally assaulted him in the Congressional shower for not casting his Heisman vote for Barack Obama.

The Palm Beach Post reports that Tim Tebow scored a 22 on the Wonderlic intelligence test, which was two points below the average. Among other scores leaked to the media: Ron Artest (13), Michael Vick (10) and Ben Roethlisberger (minus-27).

Alabama's football team visits the White House. Nick Saban skips the trip in order to study film of last year's spring game.

Tuesday

The New York Jets sign Antonio Cromartie and give him $500,000 up front to pay off paternity debts on seven children from six different mothers. The Jets then announce the sale of special PSL (Paternity Suit Licenses) to pay for the cost.

The New York Post reports Tiger Woods has hired Ari Fleischer and will return for the Arnold Palmer Invitational, where he will hold a press conference to announce he found no weapons of mass destruction in Jamie Jungers' breasts.

While monitoring for a diamond to come out of Sollie the dog, a New Jersey jewelry store owner finds Terrell Owens' career.

Wednesday

Harry Smith undergoes a colonoscopy on the Early Show. Not to be outdone, Al Roker undergoes sexual reassignment surgery on the Today Show.

The Tulsa Shock announce they have signed Marion Jones. In response, the New York Liberty announce they have signed Anna Ayala.

President Obama announces he is postponing his trip to the Asia in order to stay at the White House and work on his NCAA tournament bracket.

Thursday

James Brown's daughter, LaRhonda Petitt, claims that The Godfather of Soul's body is missing. The New York Post reports Brown plans to return for the Masters.

This week's Make Up Your Own Tiger Joke entry: Britain announces it is shipping 42 million condoms to South Africa to help prevent the spread of HIV during the World Cup.

Pro football Hall of Famer Merlin Olsen passes away. In lieu of flowers, his family asks that donations be made to FTD.

Friday

The Atlanta Thrashers call up 48-year-old Chris Chelios. In response, the New York Islanders sign Maurice Richard.

A Brooklyn man kills his wife and two men after walking in on them having a threesome in her apartment. He tells police he carved up the men's bodies and dumped them somewhere in New Jersey. Ari Fleischer quickly issues a statement that Tiger Woods has not been to New Jersey since the 2005 PGA Championship.

The Gay & Lesbian Alliance reports that Johnny Weir is "not family friendly" enough for "Stars on Ice." His spot will go instead to James Brown.

Saturday

The Milledgeville Union-Recorder reports that Ben Roethlisberger posed for a photo with a cop who later investigated the sexual assault charge. In related news, TMZ reports Windermere police put a lampshade on Tiger Woods' head and posed with the unconscious golfer the night he crashed his SUV.

The Islanders rescind their contract with Maurice Richard after his corpse fails the physical. They then offer a 10-day contract to Ted Williams.

Manny Pacquiao wins a unanimous decision over Joshua Clottey in their welterweight title fight at Cowboys Stadium. Afterward, Clottey blames the loss on Wade Phillips.

This Week's Guaranteed Happenings:

Freed of paying Rex Ryan's meal per diem, the New York Jets will begin forwarding another $40,000 per week to help Antonio Cromartie with all those mouths he has to feed.

Roy Williams will forget to set his clock forward and North Carolina will miss the NCAA tournament by 15 games.

TMZ will report Tiger Woods has been spotted with an "Alice Roker," and will return to the PGA Tour as soon as his friend's bandages come off.