WWE Raw Report 3/15/10: Missed It by One Day

The FanHouse WWE Raw Report (and all pro wrestling show reports herein) is a recap of what happened before I got bored and started playing MVP Baseball 2005 and is for entertainment purposes only. The opinions expressed are that of a wrestling fan of no great ego who understands that it is not on the level but loves it anyway. Do not take any of this too seriously.


Quick Results
(getting longer every week)

1. Big Show d. John Cena
2. Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne never got started
3. Maryse d. Kelly Kelly
4. Shawn Michaels d. Chris Jericho via countout
5. Triple H d. Randy Orton via disqualification
6. Batista d. Kofi Kingston in hilarious fashion

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Lengthy, Verbose Results
(getting shorter every week)

- I'm not against change. I've been a wrestling fan since I was born, and I've cheered for everyone from the Rock n' Roll Express to Sting to Goldberg to a guy who choked his son to death with a submission move that pulls on your face. I am not resistant to the concepts of making new stars and moving on with my life. That being said, this week's Raw guest host is Stone Cold Steve Austin, and for whatever reason things just feel better when he is around. He doesn't really do a lot on this show (they censor "whoop-ass" but not "ass-whoopin'" which must be some kind of object/modifier preference), but he is there, and it feels comfortable. They should consider bringing him in as a GM who will kill you instantly with his Jumping Sit Down if you don't follow the rules.

Austin opens the show by saying he respects both Vince and Bret. John Cena sort-of interrupts and Austin teases a stunner. My girlfriend comments that they are exactly the same, Cena's just the censored version. She says that they should dress Cena up as Austin and Austin up as Cena. I just want a Cena shirt that says "I don't want any trouble, I just want to constantly be in wrestling matches!"

Match 1: Wrestlemania XX Rematch
John Cena vs. Big Show

Is it "Big Show" or "The Big Show?" Could it be "A Big Show?" As mentioned by the header, this is a rematch from Wrestlemania XX, the show where Ultimo Dragon slipped on his cape not once but twice and someone I can't remember defeated Triple H and went on to bigger and better things. As the match is starting, Stone Cold shoots the Big Show a look, as if to say "hey aren't you the Murderface looking guy who tore his way up through the ring and lobbed me through a cage wall?"

During the match, Batista makes an appearance. Tonight is the Night of Run-Ins, the by the way. They did it the last 51 weeks but demand was so great they had to extend the run. Cena hits Big Show with the Five Knuckle Shuffle without taking his eyes off of Batista, causing him to whiff it badly. He then kicks out of a choke slam because the PREACHER VOICE is still going ON HIS INSIDES. Batista interrupts an attempt at Attitudinal Adjustment (without actually doing anything, which is great), allowing Show to use his cat like agility to counter into a punch for the victory.

Winner: An Big Show [knockout punch]

- Backstage, Jillian Hall tries to sing for Stone Cold Steve Austin, so he pours beer on her and slaps her in the face. That doesn't happen, but imagine how fun this paragraph would've been if it had.

Match 2: Evan Bourne vs. Sheamus

Sheamus starts to deliver a promo, interrupts himself for a few seconds to obliterate and remove Evan Bourne, then continues along with the promo as if nothing happened. I wish WWE had its own version of WCW Saturday Night where random people would wrestle for the sake of wrestling, and you'd get matches like La Parka vs. Steven Regal. I want a world where I turn on my television and see Sheamus wrestling, I don't know, Shingo from Dragon Gate. I'll always have Fire Pro Wrestling, I guess.

Sheamus delivers one of the best promos he's ever given by going completely over the top, expressing his Wrestlemania match with Triple H in terms of Celtic history and barbarianism. Unfortunately, he doesn't mention Kevin McHale or the Faces of Fear. He says things like "THIS WARRIORE FEELS NO PAYNE" and "I WILL TAYKE YOUR THRONE" and it is great, except he keeps doing that thing where he wets his lips by sticking his entire tongue out and sucking it back into his mouth.

Match 3: Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse

And we just keep right on rolling with the wrestling, kind of! Tonight's Raw almost seems like an episode of iMPACT, we just need Tazz calling one or both of these women "tomatoes." My love for Maryse is unconditional, but this match, even in comparison to standard Divas offerings, is absolutely agonizing. Kelly messes around with her pant-shorts and tries a series of heated pull-aparts, but it doesn't go anywhere, and by the minute twenty mark when Maryse hits the French Kiss you feel like you've entered hour three of Intolerance: Love's Struggle Through the Ages.

Winner: Maryse [French Kiss]

Kelly needs to stop doing that move where she gets her leg caught and does a backflip. If she does it right, it takes her way too long to set up. If she does it wrong, she comes way too close to Hayabusing herself. After the match a bunch of women with no particular heel or face alignment hit the ring and throw each other around, setting up another one of those brand loyalty showcases at Wrestlemania.

- The Undertaker/Shawn Michaels promo package is shown. Still the Johnny Cash one, instead of the far superior Placebo covering Kate Bush one. Who do I have to blow to get an Edge/Jericho video package set to Human Behavior?

Match 4: Wrestlemania XIX Rematch
Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

At about the six point five minute mark, Jericho bails to the floor to avoid Sweet Chin Music and takes an intentional countout loss. As if you needed me to tell you, the six minutes and however many seconds that came before that were GREAT. I could watch these two wrestle nonstop for the rest of my life, Jericho's stutterstep before the lionsault and Shawn's terrible chops and all. I could even rewatch the Wrestlemania XIX match, which is one of the few times when a big mainstream wrestling match's result made me shoot angry. I could not BELIEVE that Jericho lost that match, and the post-match kick to the junk is the only thing that makes it okay for me.

After the match, because it's not a match until run-ins occur, Edge shows up, beats Jericho around a little bit, and spears him. Then he grabs a microphone and whipsers "spear!" with great aplomb. I love that the Jericho/Mysterio feud was built around the traditions of lucha libre and the concept of a man who cannot stop until he has taken everything you love, the Jericho/Shawn Michaels feud was about ruining someone's life, punching somebody's wife, stabbing them in the eye with glass, forcing them into retirement and then berating them after they're gone... and the Jericho/Edge feud is "I am good at running into you!"

Winner: Shawn Michaels [countout]

- A triple threat match between Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, and Cody Rhodes is announced for Wrestlemania, because Randy Orton really loves giving us 20 minutes of stomping to be bored with at Wrestlemanias.

Match 5: Every Show From The Last 5 Years Rematch
Triple H vs. Randy Orton

Do these guys head to the back after they wrestle and high-five each other, as though they have accomplished something that would entertain me or make me spend money on something, or advance a story or properly break in a wrestling ring or ANYTHING? These guys have wrestled more than Flair and Steamboat yet they still look like Savio Vega airballing a leg lariat on Herny O. Godwinn. I cannot believe how many Triple H and Orton matches I've had to sit through. Remember when they wrestled each other twice on the same pay-per-view? Did I seriously turn off Wrestlicious for this?

I'm complaining too much. HHH gets the victory via DQ when Rhodes and DiBiase use their special moves (interference and being beaten up) to interfere and be beaten up. Sheamus arrives, still doing his Yoshi impression, still looking like a big albino Danshoku Dino, and helps Legacy destroy the ...faces? I don't know. I bet they're kicking themselves for making Hornswoggle Finlay's son instead of Sheamus. "OY COME FROM A LONG LOYNE OF PARFORMARS."

Winner: HHH [DQ]

- Gorgeous George is the newest inductee to the WWE Hall of Fame, as we reported yesterday. UPDATE: TNA has just signed Gorgeous George and put him over Desmond Wolfe.

Match 6: Wrestlemania Never Rematch
Batista vs. Kofi Kingston

This is your match of the night. Right now, Batista is a Wres-a-ling GOD. He takes all of Kingston's offense and still destroys him, clotheslining him off of a springboard attempt and Batista Bombing him in a cool kind of brutal way that he should've been doing the whole time. The Kofi Kingston that was going to be a star back in January boom-dropping Randy Orton in Madison Square Garden might as well be Jake the Snake Roberts selling printed T-shirts in a middle school gymnasium after he showed his penis to a bunch of waitresses.

Winner at Life: Batista [Batista Bomb]

- Next week's guest host is WWE Hall of Famer PETE ROSE. And here I am in the middle of a 30-day Dugout event with a fixed schedule, and I've already done the Reds AND the Phillies. ARGH.

- Now, your main event segment, a contract signing between Vince McMahon and Bret Hart, presided over by Mike Tyson's favorite wretler Cold Stone Steve Austin. Austin throws his weight around and plays off of the fact that Vince sh**s a brick every time he's around, getting him to do whatever he wants and say whatever he wants. He manipulates Vince into signing to a No Holds Barred match at Wrestlemania, adding "one more thing"... that Bret Hart ISN'T injured and is going to beat Vince so badly we will get at least one great shot of him dazed, staggering around covered in blood with a smile on his face. It isn't a Wrestlemania garbage match without Vince McMahon caked in blood. Bret almost ruins the segment by explaining too much (Cena has a friend in the stunt business, for example), but it doesn't take away from the satisfying conclusion of Vince in a sharpshooter.

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What the show accomplished: None of the wrestling was very good (save Batista/Kingston), but it was still WRESTLING, and that is more than what I'm used to. About 28 minutes total, half an hour if you count Sheamus emasculating the Evan Bourne donkey. Wrestlemania is set up and we know where we're going, what we're going to get, and how we're going to get it. That is good.

What the show didn't accomplish: Making Kofi Kingston's parents proud. It also didn't make use of Stone Cold Steve Austin's ability to indiscriminately beat up anyone to cheers, but maybe that's a good thing. Less is more. Also, why the hell wasn't Gorgeous George already in the Hall of Fame?

The gist: They're still going through the motions, but these motions were better. I really hope one of the writers has a flash of Salvador Dali genius and signs Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes for Wrestlemania.