Tornadoes Strike Oklahoma
Oklahoma Senators Face Difficult Options On Disaster Relief
The Dugout's look at Spring Training for the National League East continues today with the Florida Marlins, a team who has managed to win the World Series twice despite an annual payroll of a dollar twenty-five. However, revenue-sharing regulations are changing the game, and teams like the Marlins and the Pirates (but mostly the Marlins) are going to have to come off of it and run their teams like the Yankees. It's good for the players, we promise!Jeffrey Loria runs his team like the Yankees in today's Dugout.
The Dugout
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**Online Host** |
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fLORIdA: look at it, isn't it beautiful? the first dollar I ever didn't spend /holds up picture frame |
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fLORIdA: and I think I'm gonna hang her right above the toilet, so that I will think about the Marlins every time I take a sh** |
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fLORIdA: /tries to climb up onto tank of toilet |
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fLORIdA: whoa whoa whoaaaaa /slips and falls, bangs head against bathroom counter |
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fLORIdA: blehhhhh |
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fLORIdA: /stares up at dollar /has epiphany |
| **Online Host** Welcome to the Florida Marlins 2010 Spring Training Chatroom! |
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OfAMirrorAnibal: /pours barbecue sauce onto empanada, shoves into mouth |
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JustJohnsonYa: hey coach sorry to bother you but do you have any cardboard boxes I could tear the flaps off of, I need to make a "need extension, please help" sign and stand in the middle of 199th street |
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FrediGotFingered: man all i GOT is cardboard boxes... you need a sharpie? |
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JustJohnsonYa: no, for some reason all homeless people have sharpies i filed for bankruptcy and a pack of them arrived via UPS alongside food stamps and a "keep the change" barack obama t-shirt |
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FrediGotFingered: UPS didn't give you a box you could use |
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JustJohnsonYa: yeah, but that is my box |
| **Online Host** fLORIdA has entered the chatroom. |
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NolascoShreddedWheat: and speaking of boxes |
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OfAMirrorAnibal: /snorts, barbecue sauce comes out of nose |
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fLORIdA: GOOD MORNING EVERYONE, AND WHAT A GLORIOUS MORNING IT IS, THE LORD HAS TRULY BLESSED US ALL |
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FrediGotFingered: /has a face like a medicine ball |
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JustJohnsonYa: excuse me Mr. Loria |
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fLORIdA: Josh Johnson! I heard about how good you are on a television show! |
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JustJohnsonYa: whoa, really, which one? |
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fLORIdA: None of them! What can I do for you! |
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JustJohnsonYa: I was just... uh, wondering about my extension, I really want to keep playing for you in Dolphin Stadium |
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NolascoShreddedWheat: it's not Dolphin Stadium anymore, they changed it back to DolphINS Stadium and then to Sun Life |
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FrediGotFingered: i thought they were calling it pro player arboretum |
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fLORIdA: No, actually right now we're calling it Ailing Bank Park at Old Indian Burial Yard, but that's beside the point! Here, have your extension! |
| **Online Host** JustJohnsonYa has received a four-year, $39 million extension. |
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JustJohnsonYa: /sh**s pants |
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fLORIdA: Now every time you do that, you'll think of the Florida Marlins! |
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NolascoShreddedWheat: (oh god, this is it Ricky, make it count) |
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NolascoShreddedWheat: boss person am could I be having also one of the derp a derp derppp |
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NolascoShreddedWheat: (sh*******t) |
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fLORIdA: why of course you can have one of the derp a derp derps, Ricky, I'm going to give you and Logglobo extensions too, if you keep your confidence high and your ERAs low! |
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NolascoShreddedWheat: /lapses into unexpected joy coma |
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fLORIdA: and while I'm at it.... Anibal, come here, son |
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OfAMirrorAnibal: /balls up 40 empenada wrappers, stuffs them into pockets |
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fLORIdA: how much do you make a year right now |
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OfAMirrorAnibal: 3.25 an hour plus tips, but I gotta split the tips with everybody on the roster plus nobody ever leaves us tips |
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fLORIdA: here is 49.99, go find a television and order yourself one of those personal gyms you can hang on your door |
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fLORIdA: I want you in the best shape of your life when the season starts! |
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OfAMirrorAnibal: that shouldn't be hard! /baby-runs out of chatroom |
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FrediGotFingered: are you okay sir, this doesn't seem normal |
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fLORIdA: What do you mean, Fred? |
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FrediGotFingered: you're giving out money and you don't seem to care... plus you've got a big black spot on the back of your head and bloods comin out |
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fLORIdA: Fredi, I've come to a realization /puts hand on coach's shoulder |
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fLORIdA: My successes go deeper than my bank statement... I want the money we make to go to everyone! I want to share the revenue! |
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fLORIdA: In fact, build us a new stadium! |
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FrediGotFingered: like like me personally |
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fLORIdA: Give it a retractable roof! Fill it with vegan options! Make it look like somebody dropped a big artichoke into a foot massager! |
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fLORIdA: like this /
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fLORIdA: and don't call it "J.P. Morgan Stockholderdome," call it... /waves hand across sky "Miami Ballpark!" |
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FrediGotFingered: so do you want me to stop firing and rehiring Billy Marlin just to control him and make him feel worthless |
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fLORIdA: no, let the fish have his job |
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fLORIdA: then when he isn't looking, stab him in the gills, gut him, and bring him to me on the biggest Long John Silvers platter you can find |
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FrediGotFingered: what, seriously |
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fLORIdA: I'm having a severe, end-of-life brain hemorrhage, Fredi, I didn't suddenly stop being evil |
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