Opinion: My Terrible, Awful Day Under Health Reform

(March 24) -- I confess I haven't followed the health care debate closely these past ... 45 years. I'm one of those people for whom "public option" generally connotes that awkward decision you're sometimes faced with at the end of a long night of bar-hopping with weak kidneys. Can I make it home in time to pee? Or should I duck into this alley and exercise my, uhm, public option?

But I rallied at the 11th hour and did my civic duty. I sat glued to the television Sunday night as members of the House of Representatives took turns making windy speeches before casting their historic votes. Frightening stuff. Way scarier than the Syfy channel. Republican after Republican after Republican issued dire warnings.

"This bill will destroy freedom!"

"Government tyranny!"

"Democrats will lay the cornerstone of their socialist utopia on the back of the American people!"

Gosh, what happened to those halcyon days when congressmen were content to just scream "You lie!" at the president? Gone so soon.

Then House Minority Leader John Boehner, a man perhaps made for health care brawling given that he's the color of nicotine, took the podium. "Have you read the bill?" Boehner thundered. "HELL, NO, YOU HAVEN'T! Shame on this body! Shame on each and every one of you!"

Shame on me. I haven't even read the instructions for my Waterpik.

After President Barack Obama signed this monstrosity into law, I spent the day unsure exactly what to do. How quickly will it all fall apart? How soon till we begin rationing (or, worse, recycling) Q-tips?

I listened with special interest to traffic updates on the radio, wondering if newly emboldened pedestrians might be stepping in front of cars, eager to cash in on their health-coverage bonanza. There were reports of two backups on the interstate. No mention of them being health care-related. But, hmm, the government wouldn't let newscasters tell us if they were, would it?

I knocked on my neighbor's door to see if she'd been taken into custody yet. She is rumored to have voted for John McCain. No answer. I called the police. A squad car pulled up within minutes. Awfully quick, I thought. Are they monitoring the neighborhood?

"Nobody home," declared the officer, peering through the front window. "She's probably at work."

"Maybe," I said. "Or an early victim of government tyranny?"

The mailman came at 2 o'clock. A few hours ahead of schedule. And he seemed overly concerned about my well being. Is it now his job to report people on his route who aren't feeling well or who smell of alcohol too early in the day?

"How you doin'?" he said.

"Why do you ask?" I replied. "By the way, you'll need a warrant to come inside the house."

"Maybe tomorrow," said the mailman, smiling, seemingly relishing the prospect of putting me in a spread-eagle position.

(He delivered four bills. Some things never change, regardless of the state of democracy.)

I started feeling queasy, physically ill from suddenly becoming a stranger in my own land. I dialed 911 and asked the dispatcher if an ambulance could be sent to my home. Immediately.

"What's the problem? What's the address? What's your name?"

Why so many questions? I thought. Why am I being interrogated?

"You know where you can stick your socialist utopia!" I shouted, slamming down the receiver.

Only one thing left to do. I got on my computer and downloaded a copy of the health care bill. All 4,700 pages.

I read 'til darkness fell and beyond, feeling the noose of tyranny tightening around my neck. Everything you need to know is there in ugly detail: mechanisms to extend coverage, make premiums more affordable, rein in insurance industry abuses.

On and on it goes. Of course, read between those lines and it's pretty obvious that President Obama's ultimate goal is to provide single-payer health insurance for pets, including hamsters!

One bombshell of a footnote buried inside the bill was written months ago. It says Northern Iowa will beat Kansas in the second round of the NCAA men's basketball tournament. March Madness, indeed. How's the president going to pay for health care reform? By fixing the NCAA tournament, by having Tim Geithner fly to Vegas and place a huge federal Treasury bet on an anointed team.

Who's slated to win?

I'm not tellin'. Read the bill.