Oklahoma Senators Face Difficult Options On Disaster Relief
Tornadoes Strike Oklahoma
The AL West continues to prove itself a bizarre and uninhabitable place as the Dugout's 2010 Spring Training event skips Oakland completely and heads straight into Hollywood. Billy Beane and the book "Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game, or How I Learned to Stop Working Out and Love the Balm" are being made into a major motion picture starring one-eighth of Brangelina and a bunch of comedians trying to wear business suits and win Golden Globes. It's a great example of how Hollywood prettiest up the hero and turns the supporting characters into Tolkeinesque two-dimensional sniveling minorities. Here's to hoping they cast Kate Winslet as Stomper and put a Leona Lewis song on the soundtrack. Today's Dugout is after the jump, and probably on TMZ.com later tonight.
The Dugout
|
**Online Host** |
|
 |
BeanesTalk: /adopts ridiculous, nonspecific accent |
|
BeanesTalk: Home rahs... rahs batted IN... batting average... I say these things are antiquated! Things of the past! |
|
BeanesTalk: We can not look at how good a player IS, we must look at how good he is NOT, then mathmatically we can... we can... /checks script |
|
BeanesTalk: Alex Rodriguez is not as good as Eric SHAvez... Barry BONDS is not as good as Eric SHAvez... /CGI numbers and math equations zoom by head to show that he is thinking and is also smart |
|
BeanesTalk: I'm sorry, can we cut |
| **Online Host** Cut |
|
|
PittFighter: Am I doing this right? Am I getting your essence? |
 |
BeanesTalk: basically, although you should sound less like a cornfed Civil War grunt and look a little more like Clint Howard |
|
PittFighter: yeah but this sh** about Eric Chavez being the same as Rodriguez and Bonds, are you serious with this |
|
BeanesTalk: I used to be. That book was published in 2003. In 2004 we reprinted it with a bonus chapter that is a picture of me with my pants down shrugging and the word "welp" |
|
BeanesTalk: just read off the sabermetrics, it's about to get way worse |
| **Online Host** Action! |
|
|
BeanesTalk: now lets see heyah... B.J. Upton, y'say! Should we draft him or shant we? I need a second opinion about this |
|
BeanesTalk: beautiful assistant probably played by January Jones, could you bring in Paul DePodesta please |
| **Online Host** Paul DePodesta has entered the scene. |
|
|
BeanesTalk: Paul, do you think the Athletics should draft this here B.J. Upton? |
 |
DePodRaces: B.J. UPTON ARE YOU KIDDING ME, THAT GUY'S NAME IS LITERALLY BLOW JOB, IF YOU WANT A BLOW JOB I WILL GIVE YOU ONE RIGHT HERE, F**KING PROMISE |
|
DePodRaces: JUST KIDDING WHAT YOU THINK I'M SOME KIND OF QUEER, I DON'T TAKE IT IN THE ASS, I GIVE IT IN THE ASS |
|
BeanesTalk: why are you shouting and cursing at me |
|
DePodRaces: ARE YOU KIDDING ME, I DIDN'T BUST MY FAT JEWISH ASS TO BECOME ASSISTANT TO THE F**KING GENERAL F**KING MANAGER JUST TO FEEL THE WARM BREEZE OF YOUR FARTS ON THE TIP OF MY TWO INCH MIGHTY MEAT SNAUSAGE |
|
DePodRaces: I'M TELLING YOU LIKE IT IS, YOU NEED TO AVOID THIS F**KING UPTON LIKE THE BLUEBONNET PLAGUE, THE ONLY TIME YOU'RE GONNA NEED BUTTER IS WHEN I'M SURPRISE SEXING YOU IN YOUR GAY ASS WITH MY MOUNTAIN OF FUZZY MAN MALLET |
|
BeanesTalk: what the f**k are you talking about, cut |
|
DePodRaces: aw come on man we were just about to get to the part where you get confrontational with me and I back down, showing my inner sweetness |
| **Online Host** Cut |
|
|
PittFighter: There is no way real people talk like this |
|
JonahAndAWhale: am I supposed to be yelling more, you think, or should I like, maybe pull my pants down and fart on the camera |
|
PittFighter: Who wrote this? |
|
BeanesTalk: Philip Seymour Hoffman as the butler from The Big Lebowski |
 |
AaronSorkin: heeee |
|
BeanesTalk: but we only let him adapt 20 pages before we made him stop |
|
PittFighter: and besides, have you ever seen Paul DePodesta, he looks like Drew Carey's friend that played Jethro in the Beverly Hillbillies movie |
|
PittFighter: this guy you cast looks like Majin Buu, I'm afraid he's going to absorb me |
|
BeanesTalk: the worst thing that will happen is that he'll absorb you, and you'll have to have a montage near the end of the movie where you stop doing drugs or masturbating and get your life together |
| **Online Host** Action! |
|
|
BeanesTalk: /looks around |
|
BeanesTalk: ahem Ah'm still not sure whether or not we should draft B.J. Upton... he might be a bad high school pick, y'see... |
|
DePodRaces: DON'T ASK ME I DON'T KNOW JOCK SH** ABOUT BASEBALL LAST WEEK I WATCHED 10 EPISODES OF HE-MAN WEARING NINJA TURTLE PAJAMAS SITTING ON A RAINBOW BRITE BLANKET EATING GLOW WORM CEREAL THINKING REFERENCES TO THE EIGHTIES |
|
BeanesTalk: /considers just doing Oceans 17 instead |
|
DePodRaces: ARE YOU KIDDING ME WE CAN JUST ASK AN EXPERT, I'VE GOT PETER GAMMONS RIGHT HERE |
 |
Gammondorf: Oogily moogily! B.J. Upton has a bad VORP! A doogily! |
|
Gammondorf: /switches to the "Happy Gilmore is mad at the ball" voice to convey serious emotions ohhh no, I've got a brain aneuryshm, I'm gonna die now, shomebody feel shorry for me! |
|
DePodRaces: OR IF YOU'RE LIKE ME AND YOU THINK PETER GAMMONS IS A GAY F****T ON STEROIDS YOU COULD ASK ONE OF YOUR OTHER DRAFT PICKS, NICK SWISHER IS STANDING RIGHT HERE WITH HIS TWO THUMBS UP HIS ONE ASS |
 |
SwisherSweets: /ignores script in favor of smirking, squinting, and saying something random that is supposed to pass for a joke |
|
SwisherSweets: any a you guys ever go uh, snorkeling? heh |
|
BeanesTalk: you know what, I don't think B.J. Upton is a good fit for the Athletics... instead, I'm going to draft Prince Fielder |
 |
TheFreshPrince: now you don't wanna sign me, Mr. Beane, I'm faaar too fat for baseball. |
Big Step Forward For Senate Immigration Bill
Tornado Devastates Oklahoma City Suburb
Inhofe: Oklahoma Aid Will Be 'Totally Different' From Sandy Aid
CBS Reporter's Grave Allegations
Wolf Blitzer's Embarrassing Moment With Tornado Survivor
Two GOP Senators Battle 'Bizarre' Tea Party Demand
Weiner Throws His Hat In The Ring
Virginia GOP Candidate: 'I Don't Have Anything To Rephrase Or To Apologize For'
WATCH: McCain Asks Apple CEO One Extremely Pressing Question
Leveled Schools Lacked Tornado Shelters Due To Haphazard Regulation
BEFORE/AFTER PHOTOS: Oklahoma Tornado Destruction
IRS Inspector General's Staff Kept GOP Congressman Updated On Probe
U.S. Seized Phone Records For Fox News AND White House
LOOK: The Deadliest States For Tornadoes
Moore Residents Take Stock Of Deadly Tornado's Full Horror
Apple's Boosting Its Offshore Profits Faster Than Anyone Else
Portland Voters May Block Fluoridation
State GOP Staffer: I Was Fired After Reporting Sexual Harassment
Many Insurance Payments Won't Cut It After Oklahoma Disaster
Elizabeth Warren Wants To Know If The New Treasury Secretary Will Be As Bad As The Old One
Student Debt Reaches New Heights
Military Rape Survivor Collects 113,000 Signatures Demanding Action
WATCH: Tornado Victim Finds Dog During CBS Interview
Veterans Fear Impact Of Food Stamp Cuts
WATCH: Tornadoes Rip Through Central U.S.
Benghazi Suspects Identified, But...
Reports: U.S. Drone Strikes Ineffective
RFK Jr.: GOP To Blame For IRS Scandal
GOP Senators Doubles Down On Susan Rice Claims
