The 2010 Seattle Mariners don't figure to be a major offensive powerhouse, but the team added Cliff Lee in the off-season, and the Internet says that their defense will be really, really good.

The trouble is that as we're making progress on statistically qualifying fielding metrics such as Projected Runs Saved, it is becoming more and more apparent that a team's fielding ability is not nearly as important as its hitting or pitching ability. Defense can't actually score runs, after all. Unless, of course, the left fielder exploits an obscure rule nested deep within the rule book: if he manages to field the ball, exit the stadium, take a train to Duluth, Georgia, and presents the ball to a man named Henry Crittenton, his team will be awarded seven runs. But Mr. Crittenton, rest his soul, has been in the grave for over 60 years now, and so this rule is rarely tested.

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	OnlineHost Welcome to Seattle Mariners Chat!
	WakaMole: Our defense is looking great. Really great. Like, imagine if we had a team full of Brooks Robinsons and in lieu of a baseball diamond we were playing inside of a giant baseball glove. We're that, basically.
	chpwned: i feel like my baseball glove will be a tremendous asset to the team, look at this
	chpwned: right here it says "Patented EZ-Catch Snap Action Hinge." this breakthrough technology will enable me to open and close my glove at every passing whim!
	WakaMole: Holy s***, really? Let me see that.
	chpwned: yeah, see? open! close! open! close! i'll have to reseach this but i'm pretty sure that "leather that can bend and form a crease" technology was invented by an order of cow-herding druids who work at NASA
	Elijah_Price: dang i wish my knees could do that
	GonnieGarko: /sheepishly hides jai alai basket under pile of laundry
	WakaMole: And whoa, what's that in the pocket of the glove? It says "Deep Well Pocket."
	chpwned: yes, this technology ensures that the glove does not have a giant hole in the middle of it, so when I try to catch a baseball it will hit the baseball glove and stop rather than traversing through the back of the hole!
	WakaMole: Certainly a breakthrough application in the field of "solid matter being in places rather than not being there"!
	WakaMole: This is tremendous. With the aid of this technology we should expect to win 90 games and finish third in the AL West, ahead of the Oakland Athletics and Cheyenne Tree-Stewards.
	Elijah_Price: i'm really glad they added the Cheyenne Tree-Stewards to the league; otherwise we would only have four teams in the AL West and it would not be fair
	WakaMole: which reminds me, I need to procure a scouting report on their #1 starter, Legless Corinthian Beechtree, The Fourth Son of God
	chpwned: who the hell is that guy
	WakaMole: /glares
	WakaMole: Anyway. Fielding is 50% of baseball. As long as we execute defensively, we can--

	Elijah_Price: what
	WakaMole: sigh runs DugoutTranslater.exe
	DugoutTranslator haha yeah okay, fielding is 50% of baseball; this is true because there is no such thing as "hitting" or "pitching" and the game is played by huddling around in the outfield and trying to catch baseballs thrown as high in the air as possible by retired five-tool legend Travis Fryman
	WakaMole: Fine, fine, but given our improved rotation, I think our hitting ought to be adequate.

	DugoutTranslator yeah, perhaps i'm being too harsh. after all, we acquired a board game magnate who hit 12 home runs last year to bat third in the lineup. also, our cleanup hitter is Jose Lopez, who hit 25 home runs last year. it is acceptable to have a guy who hits for 25 home runs and a 102 OPS+ in the cleanup spot, given that we are a sub-.500 team in the year 1986

	DugoutTranslator speaking of, have you guys heard about that girl in texas who's trapped in the well? gee whiz, thoughts and prayers to that kid!
	GonnieGarko: oh no is she still down there? she must be like 30 by now i hope they have proms and community colleges underground
	WakaMole: Garko. Shut up.
	GonnieGarko: /sheepishly crawls under pile of laundry

	DugoutTranslator seriously, our first baseman is casey kotchman. CASEY KOTCHMAN. the other day i was in the batting cage and i was like, "yo casey kotchman, let me see you take a few power cuts."

	DugoutTranslator so he's like, "okay, i'll be right back." hours pass. eventually i smell something sweet coming from the clubhouse. i walk in there and's got this apron on that says "KING OF THE GRILL" and he's holding a baking pan full of freshly-baked brownies

	DugoutTranslator he's got this big-ass grin on his face and says, "here look, i made brownies!" naturally i ask, "why does your apron say 'KING OF THE GRILL'; you didn't use a grill to bake brownies, did you?" then a light fixture came loose from the ceiling and hit him in the face

	DugoutTranslator so yeah, cool lineup you guys, let's see if we can win a single homestand against the Cheyenne Tree-Stewards this year and call it a season
	WakaMole: Oh hey, they just faxed me the scouting report for that pitcher from the Tree-Stewards
	WakaMole: Oh hey, they just faxed me the scouting report for that pitcher from the Cheyenne Tree-Stewards
	WakaMole: "SCOUTING REPORT: LEGLESS CORINTHIAN BEECHTREE, THE FOURTH SON OF GOD"
	WakaMole: "Has displayed amazing stuff in Triple-A Las Cruces. Fastball reaches the low-140s. Slider is capable of moving backwards. Also displays a knuckleball so deceptive it convinces opposing hitters that Richard Nixon was President in the 1930s."
	WakaMole: "The Tree-Stewards, however, are concerned by his inability to travel on airplanes without shrieking and attempting to tear off his fingers. Team officials plan to remedy this issue by..."
	chpwned: what what does it say
	WakaMole: The...the ink is disappearing. It's gone! All of it's gone!
	Elijah_Price: agggh i hate expansion years