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NBA Mock Draft 1.0: The Poetry of Upside

Mar 28, 2010 – 4:30 PM
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Tom Ziller

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Everyone does NBA mock drafts for their own reasons. Some truly have inside knowledge and help set a real tone for how things will go when David Stern takes the podium. Others think they have inside knowledge and make fools of themselves. Some insist they know what teams ought to do and belittle the GMs who think differently. Others truly do know what teams ought to do, are never wrong, and present their analysis in impeccably stylish format.

This last subset consists of FanHouse (did I mention "modesty" in there?), so allow me to present our first mock draft of the season. Because mock drafts are inherently boring, I set this version to senryu, which looks a lot like haiku, except that it doesn't revolve around the anatomy of caterpillars or which way the wind blows at the river's bend. Senryu, for our purposes, is all about finger guns, Indiana's affinity for unathletic white Americans and KAAAAAAHN!


Note that draft order won't be set until May -- the order for our NBA Draft follows the standings. Note that Utah owns the Knicks' pick, and the Bucks will get the Bulls pick provided the Bulls earn a top-10 pick. Also note that I have zero inside information, and I cannot be trusted to correctly prognosticate any of the choices, especially that of the Kings, the team which I know best.

Other than that, this is a totally worthwhile exercise you should cherish with all of your being.

1. New Jersey Nets: John Wall, PG, Kentucky

Bro-pez deserves a
sun worthy of his orbit.
Wall is just that star.

2. Minnesota Timberwolves: Evan Turner, SG, Ohio State

What, no more point guards?
Even KAAAAAAHN! must see Turner's
gifts. A no-brainer.

3. Golden State Warriors: DeMarcus Cousins, C, Kentucky

"Dubs select Cousins,"
Stern declares. But Nellie weeps.
Curse the new regime.

4. Washington Wizards: Wes Johnson, SF, Syracuse

not invisible bullets,
bursts from Wesley's hands.

5. Detroit Pistons: Derrick Favors, C, Georgia Tech

Favors needs work. But then, so
does half of Detroit.

6. Sacramento Kings: Al-Farouq Aminu, SF, Wake Forest

Wait, Wiz passed him up?
Geez, one lil' gun arrest ... should
have been the wheel man.

7. Philadelphia 76ers: Greg Monroe, C, Georgetown

Eddie Jordan may
not survive
, but dreams never die.
Meet your new point guard.

8. Utah Jazz: Xavier Henry, SG, Kansas

Zaa-vee-aay, delayed
largesse from Zeke. God save us
should Jazz win lotto.

9. Indiana Pacers: Cole Aldrich, C, Kansas

Big, white and stiff? It'd
be funny if it weren't sad.
Cole: the next Hans-bro.

10. Los Angeles Clippers: Jan Vesely, SF, Partizan Belgrade

Ready the knee brace
and schedule surgery, Jan:
You're a Clipper now.

11. New Orleans Hornets: Ed Davis, PF, North Carolina

Hornets need size, but
not a project. That's too bad,
'cuz Ed ain't ready.

12. Milwaukee Bucks: Avery Bradley, SG, Texas

Bradley was put on
this Earth to play for Skiles.
Duhon with a J.

* There is some debate as to whether "Skiles" constitutes one syllable or two (Sky-uhls). We have assumed two; if you cannot abide by this decision, insert "Scott" before the word.

13. Houston Rockets: Hassan Whiteside, PF, Marshall

Stats don't lie: Whiteside,
Josh Smith on five-inch stilts, shall
blow the league apart.

14. Memphis Grizzlies: Ekpe Udoh, C, Baylor

Can't put a price on
heart, unless Eddy Curry
has his wallet out.
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