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And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Chicago White Sox. The drama has been documented. Nobody in the Guillen family should be allowed near a microphone, camera, or computer. Ozzie names his son "Oney" (I hope his other kids are named Twoey and Threeve, like he got the idea to name his kids like that from Earthbound), drafts him into professional baseball, and gives him a sweet job despite the fact that this kid has the work ethic and mental broadness of somebody you'd find getting beaten up by The Spirit. The best way to chastise people for running their mouths off on the Internet is to run your mouth off on the Internet about them in a place they will probably never see! Tonight's Dugout follows.
The Dugout
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**Online Host** |
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OneyTheLonely: /chugs 20-ouncer of limited edition Final Fantasy XIII Pibb Xtra, gets all "crazy" |
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OneyTheLonely: "@WhiteSox: Remember this day march 19 2010. Mark my words." |
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hoops, ran out of space |
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OneyTheLonely: "@WhtSx: memb0r day 2day. Mrk m wrd." |
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OneyTheLonely: heh heh "I hope the dorks aren't running the organization or else were f**ked. 3 geeks who never played baseball a day in there life telling experts what to do." |
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OneyTheLonely: "and n other thing, i" /trails off mid-sentences, is distracted by God of War III commercial, spends next three hours trying to throw knives at people in Modern Warfare 2 |
| **Online Host** OzzieOzzieOzzie has entered the chatroom. |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: WHERE ARE THE CHEETOS, WHERE ARE THE GOD DAMN CHEETOS, RAAGHHHH I AM GOING TO LOSE MY FUoh there they are |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney hey son what's up |
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OneyTheLonely: @dad nm just taking some of the piss out of the white sox organization, they was like yous trollin, and I was like I am not trollin |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney hey kid, I'm behind you no matter what. |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: wait, I'm not going to have to read anything am I |
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OneyTheLonely: @dad I have Tweets about how certain people are overrated, and about how some things were merely meh, and how I found things just ok when I thought they'd be amazing |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: wow, you really are in your early twenties, aren't you. @Oney why don't you read them out loud for me |
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OneyTheLonely: @dad sry, I don't type things on the internet and expect to have to read |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: what do you mean RT: @dad I don't expect to read |
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OneyTheLonely: @dad your genepool is more shallow than Speidi, you're lucky I can grow fingernails, I'm worse at being a person on the Internet than I am at baseball |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney Spiderman is not shallow!!!! |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney okay sh** let me read these so called inflammatory tworts |
| **Online Host** Ozzie Guillen has scrolled down and looked briefly at any curse words on his son's Twitter page. |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney no, this won't do, you know what, I think it might've been a mistake drafting you into professional baseball and also giving you a desk job you're unqualified for just because you're related to me |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney your fired [sic] |
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OneyTheLonely: @dad you cant fire me do you know how many people I have following me, it would dwarf you're mere existence |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney get on there and tell tila tequila and ashton and shaq daddy and also the movie version of marmaduke the dog tweeting in character that you lost your job |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do |
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OneyTheLonely: @dad nuh uh i heard you yelling that from the bathroom this morning, trying to use the toilet with ozzie guillen's body |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney this is the second hardest thing I've ever had to do |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney and I'm a South Side Guy, so that covers a lot... I have been all the way to car noise and back |
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OneyTheLonely: @dad you are my dad and my boss, how do you have any authority over what I choose to do with my job |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney what |
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OneyTheLonely: @dad dad I hit .190 trying to be a baseball player and got fired from my job as Twitter poster for not being able to resist cussing out my bosses on Twitter |
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OneyTheLonely: @dad all I'm good at is f**king up and being pissed off all the time |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney at least you got something from me |
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OneyTheLonely: @dad what else can I possibly be qualified to do |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney I don't know, why don't you try hosting a TV show where you look at clips from the Internet? That's like the sh**tiest possible kind of person |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney or why not try writing gay things on pictures of celebrities with MS paint? |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: @Oney I meant what I said earlier, son, you'll land on your feet... and remember, every time I am not pissed at you and yelling, I am temporarily proud of you |
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OneyTheLonely: @dad aw thanks dad |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: /kisses son on lips |
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OneyTheLonely: /posts pictures of it on the Internet |
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VITO TO RESIGN MONDAY
