The Dugout Spring Training 2010 event continues (slightly behind schedule... but thankfully the season doesn't start for another few weeks. That's right, isn't it?) with my favorite team in all of professional sports, the Cleveland Indians. I lived in Cleveland for a few years and am a card-carrying member of The Tribe, rocking my cream colored anniversary Indians jersey #25 with the Ryan Garko autograph on the back that is too late to be Jim Thome and too early to be Andy Marte. I have four pictures with Slider, and in each one he is wearing a different jersey. In the last one, he's wearing a Phillies jersey because they sent him to the NL East in exchange for three middle school J.V. pitchers and a bag of jo jo potato wedges.

Today's Dugout follows, and as always I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Thankfully we only have two teams left, because the only teams in the AL East are the Red Sox and the Yankees.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Cleveland Indians 2010 Spring Training Chatroom!
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: so one of my scouts communicated to me via crude sign language that the Indians won 19 games this Spring and only lost 9, making them the best team in the Cactus League
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: you want to tell me what's going on before I fire you
	ActaFool: sorry i didn't mean to, it's the new motivational techniques i've been using
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Did you do the thing I told you about with the dollar bill on the string?
	ActaFool: wull everybody heard about you trying to move to team to oklahoma city
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: look, I already told the government, this team belongs on a reservation... what do they want me to do, start shooting them? I mean... heh, no, that isn't true, where did you hear that!
	ActaFool: you're trading off all of our good players for a single-a full of substitute teachers and community college students and draining our money to make us as bad as possible, because if we're so inexcusably bad nobody will oppose your relocation efforts
	ActaFool: the economy is so bad and the downtown area is so torn up and barren you could move the indians and the buildings and the river and everything else to oklahoma city, and all cleveland would be is lebron james slam dunking over a 10 dollar grilled cheese sandwich from melt
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I'm going to move Melt too if they don't stop having goddamned brussels sprouts in jerk sauce as their veggie
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: what are you doing to motivate them
	ActaFool: i went to the kinkos at rockside corners, and after cleaning out their inventory of skittles i made a lifesized cardboard cutout of your naked body
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: where the hell did you get a picture of my naked, hairless body
	ActaFool: i typed "mark shapiro is f**king us" into google image search
	ActaFool: but then i covered your body in leopard print stick-on puzzle pieces and told the boys that i'd remove one piece for every game they won
	ActaFool: i got the idea from that great movie about cleveland howard the duck
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: all right, Acta, two can play this game, even if we're only paying one
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I want you to step up drug testing of every non-white player in the Tribe minor leagues
	ActaFool: WHAT, NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I can do anything I want! Larry Dolan has walking mental pneumonia!
	ActaFool: but every player we have is on drugs, you might as well put everything from AAA down into a bounce house and set them adrift in the gulf of mexico
	ActaFool: take away my non-white minor leaguers and all we have left is kerry wood playing a dangerous ass game of catch with travis hafner
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: just make sure you don't drug test the white people from America, I don't want to be accused of being racist
	ActaFool: what about manuel boscan and jeffry ceto? do we have to drug test them, too?
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: let me put it to you this way
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: pretend you're waiting tables... if the minor leaguers come in to eat and have a part of 8 or more, would you add gratuity?
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: if you answered "I don't know, maybe I shouldn't" and asked one of your co-workers for their opinion, don't drug test those minor leaguers
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: if you answered "18 percent is better than nothing," drug test immediately
	ActaFool: what if there are seven white minor leaguers and one guy from india, and when you bring the check to the table the indian guy wants to pay
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: fire the indian guy and send all seven white guys to the national league
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: and fire Steven Lebron while you're at it, I saw him wearing a Yankees hat at an Indians game
	ActaFool: i tried, but i was rapped at
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: what are you talking about
	ActaFool: i tried to fire lebron, but a cadre of hip hop superstars showed up to convince me that he is the greatest of all time (goat)
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Who did this to you?
	ActaFool: first up was drake, who has miraculously regained the use of his legs
	ActaFool: when he rapped he kept his head down and looked at the floor, like he was in the middle of a high school project presentation and was trying to remember what to say
	ActaFool: he seemed confident, but never actually mentioned lebron
	ActaFool: the second rapper was kanye west, who dressed like he was doing thriller cosplay and wore sunglasses without holes for the eyes, which means he paid like 500 dollars for an accessory that fails at its one purpose
	ActaFool: he was pretty clever I guess, but used up all his good stuff in the first five lines and stopped paying attention to the beat of the song to vaguely compare himself to movies from last year
	ActaFool: he just kept rapping when you thought he was gonna stop, he's probably still somewhere trying to rhyme something with "the hurt locker"
	ActaFool: after that, a homeless tribesman covered in magic marker squeed at me with auto tune
	ActaFool: neither man mentioned lebron, but they held up pictures of him
	ActaFool: lastly, eminem showed up, mentioned kim and hailie, laughed at his own miley cyrus jokes, mentioned how hard it is to be a role model, then rapped as fast as he could and left
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: and none of them mentioned Lebron, not even once?
	ActaFool: no, but it feels like a pertinent argument
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: the important thing is that they said their own names clearly
	ActaFool: what do you want me to do?
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: suspend Steven Lebron indefinitely, give me all of his money for stockpiling purposes
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: drug test the first three rappers, send Eminem to the Mariners