Joslyn James Thinks Tiger Woods' Return Is 'Still a Big Malarkey'

Tiger Woods spoke to the media Monday and answered questions about the last four months of his life. He covered just about everything -- the cheating, the therapy, how he hurt those close to him, and how he's looking forward to playing golf again -- and for the most part, everybody came away satisfied with Woods' responses to questions that had lingered since he parked his Escalade on a tree last Thanksgiving.

But there was one person that remained unimpressed: lawyer Gloria Allred, who no doubt signaled her client, Joslyn James, to feel similarly* once the cameras were on and the pair began their rebuttal presser.

Predictably, Allred and James feigned mock outrage over the fact that Woods has yet to apologize to the scores of women not named Elin he bedded.

"It's still a big malarkey," James said. (I believe that's progress; she had previously called Woods' five-minute interviews with ESPN and Golf Channel "a lot of the same hocus pocus.")

"He is not truthful, he is not honest. He should be focusing this time right now -- instead of returning to golf so quickly -- on his family, his loved ones that he says he loves so dearly, and repairing the relationship with them and the others that he hurt throughout this."

To recap: James is a porn actress, a scorned mistress and now a relationship expert. She should have very little trouble finding work.

As for the future James offered this before scurrying into a cab: "To be happy. To find a man that's single and not married." Good idea. Set your sights low.

* educated guess