Augusta's Other Club: Women Wanted

AUGUSTA, Ga. -- I did not come to the Masters to have Tiger give me a lap dance, but duty calls.

Sadly, Tiger wasn't available when I showed up Tuesday hoping to land an exclusive interview.

"She's not here," the bartender said.

Neither was the other local performer who goes by that name, though the folks at the Discotheque Lounge would love for him to drop by.

Mr. Woods has always done a lot to promote Augusta, golf and leering at naked females. The Discotheque and other Augusta strip clubs feel especially indebted to him this year.

They expect to have their busiest Masters week ever. If fans can't hit a golf ball like Tiger, at least they can hit on a cocktail waitress like he used to.

"I have a lot of props for Tiger," Gypsy said.

She's not a real gypsy, she just plays one onstage at the Discotheque. It's located in downtown Augusta, about five miles from the gates of the Discotheque National Golf & Strip Club.

Pardon my confusion. In truth, Augusta National doesn't have much in common with the Discotheque Lounge. It costs $20 just to get into the strip club, which isn't much cheaper than the $50 face-value ticket to a round at the Masters.

A Diet Coke will set you back $4 at the Discotheque, which is $2.50 more than Augusta National charges. And you're not expected to slip a $1 tip into the garter of the checkout lady at the concession stand.

There is no Amen Corner at the Discotheque. Though through the neon-tinted smoke, I did notice a limber young woman trying to imitate the Hogan Bridge for a couple of patrons.

And there are nothing but women members at the Discotheque. None were wearing a green jacket on Tuesday. It would have clashed with their pink ultra-high heels.

As for the customers, many appeared to have walked straight from the Masters gallery into the club. They weren't all motivated by recent earth-shaking bimbo developments, but the Tiger Effect has had a greater economic impact than any stimulus bill.

[Augusta strip club customers] weren't all motivated by recent earth-shaking bimbo developments, but the Tiger Effect has had greater economic impact than any stimulus bill.The Discotheque's work force has increased from 15 to 25 this week. At $20 a dance, an enterprising employee could make enough to cover all her medical school expenses next semester. Though sometimes, the clients want more than a three-minute waltz.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! I love it!" one guy screamed.

Gypsy was spanking him. I wondered if she'd ever given Tiger the same treatment.

"I've never seen him in here," she said. "We do have a couple of guys who come in here who look like him."

Pre-crash or post-crash? Either way, Gypsy's a fan of the four-time Masters champ.

"He went on TV and admitted he did something wrong," she said. "There are a lot of professional athletes who wouldn't do that."

Woods has done a lot of things most people wouldn't do. Now he'd probably tell people to avoid places like the Discotheque, where potential trouble is written on the wall.

That's where you'll find the names of the dancers. Jada, Danika, Hollywood, Diamond, Gizmo, Tiger, Lefty, the Golden Bear.

OK, I made up the last two. But there really is a Tiger. The other Tiger might have avoided this whole mess if he'd had her on his cell phone.

"See Elin, I'm just texting myself!"

I really wanted to meet the stripped-down version of Tiger and give her the TMZ treatment. Does she drive an Escalade? Is her real name Eldrick? Does she wear a Nike G-string? Was she inspired to get into the business by you-know-who?

"I really don't know who she's named after," the bartender said.

Whatever her answers, half the people would say Tiger isn't sincere. The other half would say she doesn't have to apologize to anyone and to leave her the heck alone.

All I know is if she has something to hide, she's in the wrong line of work. And that line of work hasn't been hurt by Mr. Woods' indiscretions.

If he actually wins this weekend, nobody would be happier than the management and employees of the Discotheque Lounge. If Tiger showed up to celebrate, they'd probably even throw in a free victory lap dance.

After all he's done for them, it's the least they could do.