Pete Carroll, the coach of yooooooour Seattle Seahawks, spent all day yesterday playing the role of aging hipster, which is totally different than how he normally spends his days. He did so by pretending to be some freakish combination of Tom Hanks, Carmen Sandiego and Casey Kasem, dropping musical Tweet-clues as to who the Seahawks would be taking in the 2010 NFL Draft.
Carroll announced the "news" and spent about seven hours listing songs and making fun of the media for making fun of him, beginning with, "we're gonna tweet songs thru out the day to give u hints about our draft picks... try 2 figure it out! #seahawksdraftclues"
Petey dropped a 13-song "set list" yesterday, all of them pointing his 387,000-some followers to Bing videos (in totally convenient news, Bing is a big sponsor of the Seahawks). In the spirit of already hearing false rumors from every other team leading up to the draft, let's try to decipher what Carroll says that isn't "a joke."
Next? "Let the Beat Build" by Lil' Wayne. Well, the first order of business is to figure out who in the draft class smokes weed. Unfortunately, that's everyone. Fortunately, USC TE Anthony McCoy has actually been caught, although with John Carlson on board, that's not really a position of need. (Again, too, it's a song with no lyrics, so that seems like something, right?)
"Backdoor Man" by the Doors is third on Carroll's list, a song in which Jim Morrison bellows something about love in "familiar places" which seems to offer the obvious connection of Carroll drafting USC players; watching him draft players he recruited and already knows would be the least shocking thing since he traded for Charlie Whitehurst.
Petey stole a little bit of my heart when he slipped "Jump Around" in at the fourth spot; the line "cream of the crop" could mean that he's going "best available." The song title itself seems a little TOO obvious -- except that it eliminates offensive lineman and white people, neither of whom can actually jump.
"Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson followed and at this point, everyone has to be thinking that the Seahawks are taking someone who broke the law. Although if Jimmy Clausen shows up to the draft in a white top hat, watch the mess out.
Carroll's love affair with the 90's continued as he linked to Tupac's "California Love" which probably means that he's going to draft a corpse. Or Joe Haden, whose combine performance was about as good as Pac's. (Seriously, at this point, we should all be fully aware that he's only drafting people who played for him at USC. John Fox needs to put Dwayne Jarrett on the block STAT.)
Woah. Who knew? Apparently the Crash Test Dummies have more than one song: "Superman's Song." In lieu of actually having to listen to the CTD, let's just assume that Carroll is referencing the line "Onnnnnnnnce, there was a boy whooooo, gotintoanaccidentandcouldn'tcometoschooooool" so he can justify drafting Stafon Johnson.
Since the entire video of "Licking Stick" by James Brown showcases the "I'm Black and I'm Proud" album, one can only assume that Carroll won't go with the ever popular "whitewash draft." Or he's just reaffirming his willingness to draft ex-cons.
Somehow, Carroll managed to include the only truly awful AC/DC song ever produced: "Big Balls." Listen to the song if you want, but let's just say if he follows through on this one, it's only going to make future Seahawks Combine interviews even more awkward.
Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" follows, and while I'm not sure if Todd McShay has actually called anyone a "harmless little f**k" on ESPN yet, there's still hope as the draft countdown machine says we have nine hours left.
Carroll, just to let everyone know his "coolness" didn't end in the 90's, mentions "Fairytale" by Taylor Swift. As I have no interest in being forced to puncture my eardrum with a stapler, I'll just assume that this is an obvious Tim Tebow reference and move along.
And he saves himself by following up Swift with Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire." The first thing that pops out of that song? "I went down, down, down ..." which encapsulates Jimmy Clausen to a tee. Since he's, um, dropping on draft boards. Although, unfortunately, there's nothing flaming at all about Clausen, so perhaps it's a red herring.
Mercifully, Carroll closes out with ... "Freebird"!!! That means they're clearly drafting my middle school principle Bill Cochran, who used to spend most of our eighth grade dances laughing at all the young men for standing as far away from the girls as humanly possible and then telling us to ask the DJ to play some Skynyrd. Yes, I'm from the South. Oh, and since "Freebird" is the Tennessee state song, Dan Williams is the obvious pick here.