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As a guy who makes esoteric jokes on the Internet, I know a lot about popular culture. You know that friend of yours who knows the names of movies and old cartoons? I know way more than them. I've given more than one person an inferiority complex with my intense, encyclopedic knowledge of useless information. That being said, I don't really blame Mark Buehrle for not knowing what a Justin Bieber is. Sometimes you just miss out on popular information. For example, I have no idea how to Skype somebody. What does that even mean.The Beebz worked his somehow-post-pubescent magic in Chicago this week, throwing out the first pitch of a White Sox/Royals game, manipulating a foul ball into his luxury suite, and finally giving the Obama kids something to talk about with their dad during dinner.
If you're still confused, today's Dugout will help you understand Justin Bieber. If you need more assistance, please become a fan of the official The Dugout page on Facebook!
The Dugout
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**Online Host** |
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EagerBieber: Hey girl! I want to give you all of my love, to you! /kisses fingertips, points |
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BuehrleBrawl: /looks around like he's expecting Roger McDowell to show up any minute and blast him in the face with a shaving cream pie |
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EagerBieber: /winds up in most awkward way imaginable, lobs ball to home plate |
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BuehrleBrawl: /takes picture, heads off field |
| **Online Host** Later, in the Chicago White Sox Chatroom... |
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BuehrleBrawl: hey coach, you got a second? I need to ask you a question. |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: sure Mark, just hold on onnnnne second... /types "RT: @JohnStamos meeshell smiling is one the greatest song of all time" |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: what's up |
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BuehrleBrawl: no, it's nothing, I was just wondering who that cute little lesbian that threw out the first pitch tonight was |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Cute little lesbian? That wasn't a cute little lesbian. The girl from Hanson was a cute little lesbian. That was Justin Bieber! |
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BuehrleBrawl: Wait, THAT's what a Justin Bieber is? I kept seeing the name around, I thought it was a brand of sunglasses |
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BuehrleBrawl: What does he do, exactly? |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: He sells glossy magazines in grocery store checkout lines by singing the word "baby" in a cavernous, balls-free octave. Plus he's got these lips that look like little vienna sausages and the young people go wild for that |
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BuehrleBrawl: so he's like the girl Hannah Montana |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Hannah Montana is the girl Hannah Montana |
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BuehrleBrawl: I thought Hannah Montana was the inbred Jem |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: last I checked, Kesha was the inbred Jem. Hannah Montana is like a character from the Dark Crystal you're ashamed of wanting to have sex with |
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BuehrleBrawl: see, I thought that was Bjork |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: You'd be ashamed of having sex with Bjork? |
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BuehrleBrawl: no, you're right |
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BuehrleBrawl: So he's like the new version of the New Kids on the Block, where girls who faint about him now will think it's funny when they're 30 and find out he's gay |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: I don't know, Lance Bass kinda killed that, now they just move you from wholesome autotuned pop albums right into celebrity dance shows where they expect you to be gay. |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: see, the rub is that this kid thinks he's black |
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BuehrleBrawl: Oh. |
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BuehrleBrawl: Then what is he, the karmic reincarnation of Michael Jackson? Like, this time around he gets to be a beautiful white 12 year old but has to feel bad about not being black? |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: No, it's not that either. Do you remember New Edition? |
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BuehrleBrawl: of course |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: and did you ever see the movie Juno? |
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BuehrleBrawl: I think so |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Justin Bieber is the girl from Juno trying to sing like all five members of New Edition at once |
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BuehrleBrawl: oh, so he's like the... no, wait, I think you got it. |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Are you okay with it now? |
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BuehrleBrawl: I think so. Man, celebrity worship never gets better, does it? Somebody puts on a shiny shirt, we waste an entire lifetime thinking about it, and then we die. |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: yep, totally depressing. /types |
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BuehrleBrawl: So what are you doing now? |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: trying to trend "Taylor Swift Sex Tape" |
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