'Sh*t My Dad Says' Guy: 'If I Weren't Me, I'd Hate Me'

(May 23) -- A year ago, Justin Halpern was a failed screenwriter who was so broke he had to leave Los Angeles and move back in with his parents in San Diego. It was while he was there that he started writing down funny things said by his father, a 74-year-old retired doctor, and posting them on Twitter. Thus began Halpern's year of implausible success. "If I weren't me, I'd hate me," he says. "I'd be on the Internet logging nasty comments about me."

"Sh*t My Dad Says," Halpern's Twitter feed, is just that, and more than 1.3 million people now subscribe to follow the utterances of Sam Halpern, a foul-mouthed curmudgeon who has no time for his freeloading 29-year-old son. "I didn't say you were ugly," he says in one of the few tweets that can be repeated here. "I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly."

The younger Halpern's Twitter success led to a book of the same title that will debut this weekend at No. 8 on the New York Times best seller list. And in the most surreal twist of all, CBS announced this week that it has picked up a sitcom based on the tweets, with William Shatner (obviously) starring as Halpern's father.

In the Weekend Questionnaire, Halpern talks about the time he had dinner with Jesus, getting pantsed in front of his seventh-grade class and ugly babies.

AOL News: Where are you right now?
Halpern: I'm in New York City; I'm here for the CBS up-fronts.

What's your perfect weekend?
Probably just hanging out with my girlfriend, hiking somewhere, walking around the city of San Diego and eating at a restaurant that tastes really good but isn't necessarily expensive.

What are you actually doing this weekend?
I'm going on a senior-prom themed boat party for one of my best friend's birthdays.

If I could grant you one superpower for this weekend, flight or invisibility, which would you choose?
The only thing I'd do with invisibility is what 13-year-olds would do, so I'll say flight.

What would you choose as your last meal?
Steak and mashed potatoes, then this thing called a Pizookie for desert. It's a cookie that they bake in a deep dish pizza tray, and then they put ice cream on top. They have it at BJ's, a restaurant chain [with locations] in SoCal.

If you could host a dinner party with any four people, living or dead, who would you invite?
You've got to have Jesus there. I'm not religious, but I think it would be cool to be like, 'Yeah, I'm having dinner with Jesus.' I've actually had dinner with Jesus, but he was a Mexican guy I knew. Then maybe Mickey Mantle, because he has a whole bunch of cool drunk baseball stories. Him and Jesus would probably get along. And then, who was the lady who had the horse lowered on her because she wanted it to f**k her? Catherine the Great? Just because I'd like to hear her tell that story in front of Jesus. And I think Aziz Ansari is really funny, so he'd be the fourth.

What's your guilty pleasure on the Internet?
Probably porn. But I don't feel that guilty about it.

If you could have lunch with the president, what's the one idea you'd want to plant in his head?
Well, my mom works for a nonprofit that helps people on welfare become self-sufficient. So I'd ask him why there's such a disparity between the people who have tons of money and the people who work for them.

What's your most embarrassing moment from your youth?
When I was like 12, on the seventh-grade playground, they had these 8-foot basketball rims. Someone told me I couldn't jump up high enough and hang on the rim. And then when I did, they pantsed me, underwear and all. The entire seventh-grade class saw my penis.

If you could pick one age to be for the rest of your life, what would it be?
I don't think I'd want to be one age. That would get boring. I'm fine with getting old.

When was the last time you swore at someone?
I think I did that to you earlier in this interview. Not at you, not in anger. [Laughs]

Do you have a recurring dream?
Mine is from when I was a waiter and I'm like 10 tables deep and the food is coming out all wrong and everyone is pissed off at me.

What song captures your mood right now?
Probably some cheesy song like "Celebrate Good Times." Any type of pumped-up song. I'm really pumped up right now.

Are all babies cute?
No. Oh, God, no.

Do you believe in an afterlife, and if so what would you want it to be like?
I don't know. I'd like to. I'd want it to be completely different from now. I'd never want to live forever in this. You'd just get super bored.

Do you cry at weddings?
No.

If you could live in some time other than your own, what would you choose?
"RoboCop" seems cool, and that's like 30 years from now. So whenever "RoboCop" is supposed to take place.

When you think of your parents, what's the one thing you'd like to thank them for?
With my dad, it would be for giving me a career.

How many true friends do you have?
Maybe like 15 or so.

If you could be buried with one memento from your life, what would you choose?
Probably my Screech bobblehead that my neighbor gave me. It's still in the case.

What's always in your refrigerator?
Rice milk.

Who would you like to play you in the movie of your life?
I have no idea. We're looking for him right now. I'm not super good-looking so I wouldn't want somebody who's really dreamy. If you know, let me know and we'll try to cast him.

Would you be happy if your kids turned out just like you?
No.

If you had to lose one of your five senses, what would you choose?
I can barely smell now, so smell.

You walk into a room with five other people in it and realize you're the smartest person there. Who are the five other people in the room?
Four-year-olds.

Have you ever Googled an ex-girlfriend?
Oh, yeah.

You find a bag of money on the street. What do you do?
I take it to the police.

Do you tip for takeout?
Yes.

If you could punch one famous person, who would it be?
Tom Brady, who seems like a nice guy. I just really hate the Patriots.

What's the last lie you told?
That I remembered meeting someone, who said we met this one time.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how attractive are you?
Five?

If you had to enter a talent show, what would your talent be?
Doing impressions of Cesar Millan on "The Dog Whisperer."

What is the first thing you do when you get home from work?
Probably look and see what I have in the fridge to eat.

What's the first website you visit every morning?
Gmail.

What would I be surprised to find on your TiVo?
"House Hunters" on HGTV.

If Barbara Walters wanted to get you to cry, what would she ask you about?
I don't know. I'm not a big crier. Probably ask me: "How does it feel to have just been kicked in the nuts?"