I'm kidding, of course. The NFL would never give away merchandise. But on Tuesday it is expected to give the NFL's big game to New York, which, according to various reports, will be so cold that even Al Davis will register on infrared security cameras.
The announcement will be made live on the NFL Network at 3 p.m. ET. The 90-minute special will be followed by hours of doomsday talk from critics.
Chill out, folks. There are only two reasons to oppose New York's bid -- though to be precise, the game will be in New Jersey at the Jets-Giants new outdoor stadium. Don't expect Kim Kardashian to hang out in Newark, however).
First, this will be a New York event. The last thing New Yorkers need is another reason to feel superior.
The other reason is the possibility Super Bowl XLVIII might turn into a reenactment of the Donner Party, which was just like last year's Maxim Party in South Beach except for the catering.
Critics are extremely concerned about the weather and its potential impact on the festivities, the fans and the game. Forget the first two. The Super Bowl party scene survived Jacksonville. It will find suitable venues in New York.
And 99.97 percent of the doomsayers will watch the game on TV. What do they care if the ticket-buyers have to dress like Admiral Byrd?
The only legitimate weather worry is how a snowstorm would affect Tim Tebow's passes. No doubt, offenses run more efficiently when it's 72 and sunny. But that argument misses the point. More than mere Xs and Os, the Super Bowl is about entertainment and capturing America's attention span. A lot of viewers care about the receivers' ability to make cuts. And a lot just want to see something interesting.
A frozen game provides that as easily as a tropical one. That's assuming the weather will be atrocious, which critics think is a given. Haven't they seen Al Gore's movie?
The average high temperature in early February in the tri-state area is 40 degrees, with a low of 24. The game will probably be played on Feb. 2. In the last five years, it's been above 45 degrees three times on that date, and below freezing only once.
So chances are all this teeth-chattering will be about nothing. But it does illustrate why New York is a great choice.
Here it is, 1,350 days before kickoff, and the NFL's pending decision is generating Olympian buzz. Will it be New York, Miami or Tampa? Or will Barack Obama fly in at the last minute and pitch for Chicago?
The Florida sites are claiming the all-powerful New York Football Families put a horse's head in Roger Goodell's bed to be sure Manhattan gets the role. They'll put their beaches, golf courses and strip bars up against New York any day.
But don't the warm-weather sites all run together after a while? I can't remember whether the last few Super Bowls were played in Phoenix, Tampa, Laredo or Peyton Manning's backyard.
A New York Super Bowl would be historic. Of course, so was the Great Blizzard of 1888. You don't want to be unique for the wrong reasons. But when was the last time a Super Bowl selection was bigger news than the NHL playoffs?
Okay, bad example. When was it bigger than the NBA playoffs?
Everybody talks about the weather. There will be millions of bar and sports-radio arguments over what role the elements should play in a Super Bowl.
According to New York's detractors, the answer is none. Never mind that teams that get to the Super Bowl often have to do it through cold, rain, sleet, mud and gloom of night.
The Super Bowl apparently is so sacrosanct that it can't get its hands dirty or feet cold. But did Bart Starr use bad weather as an excuse in the Ice Bowl?
Or Tom Brady in the Tuck-Rule Game? Or Eli Manning in the 2007 Ice Bowl II? Or John Elway in The Drive? Or anybody in the 1958 NFL Championship Game?
Those were pretty compelling performances, despite the fact you could see the players' breath. Ideal conditions make it easier to play. They don't necessarily make the play more watchable. (See: Super Bowls XVZzzzzzz).
My prediction is we'll look back on Feb. 3, 2014, and feel like ninnies for having worried so much about the weather. If I'm wrong, what's the worst thing that could happen?
A blizzard hits, there are 14 turnovers, people compare New York to Siberia and Janet Jackson suffers frostbite due to another wardrobe malfunction?
Now that's entertainment, which is what a Super Bowl is supposed to be.