Spray-On Cure for Premature Ejaculation Coming Soon

(June 4) -- There's a pill to make it stand at attention, and now there's a spray to keep it from suffering from attention deficit disorder.

Scientists have developed a numbing spray designed to be applied to the penis to keep overeager men from prematurely ejaculating.

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Scientists have reportedly developed a numbing spray designed to be applied to the penis in order to prevent premature ejaculation.

That's right, you just read the words "penis" and "ejaculating" in my column, and I, for one, couldn't be happier. God bless science for developing this spray, because now I get to say "penis" and "ejaculation" and my editor can't actually strike either term.

You guys have no idea how many times I've seen the word "penis" prematurely ejaculated from my writing, or the term "ejaculation" stripped from these paragraphs by a man I've cursed under my breath as being a penis.

Of course, that's only out of anger. I don't really think he's a penis for ruining my ejaculations. And what's even more amazing is I completed a sentence using the words "penis" and "breath" without having them stricken -- a feat I was unable to accomplish in three other columns.

[Editor's Note: The feeling is likewise. But we love you despite your forays into self-exploration.]

My blind aunt will be very pleased when her text-to-speech program reads this to her. If you're reading this, Aunt Lee, I'm looking forward to the day science develops two-way video phones that will let me see you, auntie.

From Fark: Scientists say initial testing confirms that new spray successfully prevents premature ejacul--DAMMIT (men.webmd.com)

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Remember Ghyslain Raza, also known as The "Star Wars" Kid? Of course not, you haven't been on the Internet since yesterday. So watch this video and get up to speed on nine years ago.

Anyway, Raza is studying to be a lawyer now. Thanks to therapy, he's been able to deal with being The "Star Wars" Kid. I don't know why the hell he needed therapy. He was awesome. Anyone that into what they love doing is awesome. Anyone making fun of them deserves a deadening spray sprayed on them, because they're ... Yeah, OK, I know it's going to get edited in this paragraph, so why even bother?

From Fark: Ever wonder what happened to The "Star Wars" kid? He's grown up, gotten therapy and is getting a law degree to sue the sith out of you (motherboard.tv)

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And here's a man whose life has been well led. He spent the past five years visiting every bar listed in the Good Beer Guide -- 700 in total. This one's for you, sir, and to the fact that I can finally celebrate using "penis" and "ejaculation" in a column.

From Fark: Man spends five years visiting all 700 bars listed in the Good Beer Guide, says it was "worth it." Well...obviously (dailymail.co.uk)

EDITOR'S NOTE: Joe Peacock is a staffer at Fark.com, one of the best sources for weird news. The views he expresses are his own and not necessarily those of this news organization. And despite his fascination with his own junk, we love him.