It's a good thing Tiger Woods' kids are too young to buy Father's Day gifts. What do you get a man who needs everything when it comes to being a good father?
A new 9-iron to replace the one mommy (allegedly) broke over daddy's head? A box of condoms, complete with instruction manual? A free dinner at Perkins?
For a billionaire, Woods was so morally bankrupt he has to be awarded Worst Father of the Year. And that's with all due disrespect to Tiki Barber, John Edwards and Laurence Sunderland.
At least Sunderland's 16-year-old daughter was rescued from the Indian Ocean. Tiger's kids will forever be adrift in a sea of ridicule. Before we get to their plight, however, consider the woes he caused totally innocent men.
At some point in the past few months, every wife on Earth gave her husband a scornful look that forced him into blurting, "No honey, I have not spent $75,000 on hookers this month or asked any porn stars to urinate on me to enhance my sexual pleasure. Now can I please have the remote back?"
Tiger made us all suspects, and why not? It's not as if he were married to Helen Thomas. If he would cheat on a hottie like Elin, wouldn't we betray our lovely brides?
I'd like an apology, but I'll settle for $1 million in leftover hush money. Elin is in line for $500 million in a divorce. No amount of money is going to shield her kids from a lifetime of humiliation.
It's like Tiger was working on the Manhattan Project of Cheating. When the mushroom cloud hit, the fallout could be traced all the way to a statue in Thailand.
Sure, a few select children can say statues were made of their fathers. Only Sam and Charlie will be able say their dad's statue was constructed entirely of condoms.
Abby Sunderland can't say that, bless her nautical heart. Her father was apparently angling for a reality show when he sent her out to sea in the lifeboat from the S.S. Minnow. If Laurence Sunderland really wanted to put her at risk, he would have sent her out in Tiger's yacht.
As creepy as her old man is, at least Abby will forever be the coolest kid in class. I'll just be happy if Tiger's tykes don't end up in group counseling with O.J. Simpson's kids and whoever is left from "Diff'rent Strokes."
Yes, he's apologized to Nike buyers everywhere. Yes, we are all sinners, though Edwards swore he only sinned while his wife's cancer was in remission. Even Jimmy Carter confessed to committing adultery in his heart.
Tiger committed it in his garage, his SUV, a church parking lot and God knows where else. He did it with escorts, waitresses, adult-film thespians and the neighborhood girl once she turned legal.
Pending the latest bulging disc updates, the official count is 120 mistresses. It isn't just the quantity that will make this Father's Day so awkward around the Woods house. It's the sleaziness.
"I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you."
"Have you ever had a golden shower done to you?"
No, those aren't texts he sent Phil Mickelson. This being a family website, we can't fully recount the messages Tiger's paramours saved. Let's just say the thought of his kids reading them has to bother him more than Gloria Allred.
Psychological damage aside, Woods wantonly endangered his family's physical health. They say when you sleep with someone you're also sleeping with everyone they've ever slept with.
That being the case, Tiger slept with half the Western Hemisphere, including Dennis Rodman. Then he put on his halo, traipsed back to Isleworth and made babies with Elin.
This just in: a British TV documentary scheduled for Thursday will claim that Woods fathered a child with mistress Theresa Rogers in 2003. Please God, let Maury Povich show up at Pebble Beach demanding a DNA sample.
If that doesn't clinch Bad Father of the Year, I hate to think what else Tiger needs to do. Especially if it involves a shower.