Opinion: Russians Spying? If Only We Had Some Secrets

(June 30) -- Russian spies? Are you kidding me? We're fighting the war on terror on two fronts while pinning down religious extremists in countries the media never even talks about. We're frisking grandmothers and toddlers and keeping 8-year-olds on "no fly" lists. We're suspicious every time a cab driver whispers into his Bluetooth ear piece. And through it all, it's the Russians who are spying on us?

What on this rapidly melting earth could they possibly be sniffing around for that they can't already get through a Google search or quick scan of the Drudge Report?

Did they really need to go undercover in the suburbs of New York? Wouldn't it have been easier to get a satellite TV subscription and tune in to C-SPAN? Or maybe just get a high-speed Internet connection and listen to right-wing talk radio for a few days.

Not only would they have saved time and money, they would also quickly understand that there is no need to spy on the United States. This country does a good enough job of undermining itself, each and every day.

What is it Putin wants to know? The secret to our financial success? That's easy. We spend years drafting regulations nobody is ever going to adhere to anyway and then fail to enact any of them into law.

Here's the scoop, Vlad: the "free market" continues to produce slam bang products like mortgage-backed derivatives guaranteed to sink the losers and spoil the winners. You don't need to go undercover for that news. Just call your broker.

What are the Russians afraid of? Have they never seen an episode of "Maury"? Do they not realize this is a semi-literate nation focused more on conceiving children out of wedlock and proving paternity on morning television than manufacturing the next generation of technologically superior warheads?

What kind of secrets are they trying to steal here? Just turn on the "Real Housewives of Anywhere USA," or "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," and they'll quickly realize there are no secrets in this country. Sadly, we can only wish there were.

So we spend the past 10 years of our collective lives in fear of religious zealots seeking to bomb our society back to a 13th-century Caliphate and wake up today to find out the real threat is from Russians teaching at Harvard and trying to sell real estate in New York?

At this point I'm bracing myself for the revelation that the owner of the New Jersey Nets is actually a plant sent there to undermine the quality of basketball in the New York metropolitan area. And just like all the other "Russians" accused of compromising this nation by e-mailing "secrets" to Moscow encrypted in jpegs -- that billionaire ball club owner would be a day late and dollar short, too.

Basketball in New York, like much of life in America, has already gone "third world" with little hope of returning to "superpower" status any time soon. Just ask any Knicks or Nets fan.

That is, if you can peel them away from sending encrypted messages to Moscow during their fantasy basketball draft.